Saturday, April 30, 2011

Something Rotten 3

The background rolls up to reveal an ad for Air

France or something.


Hand nah! The roundly players present, scenes from

Shakespeares tragedy; ‘Hamnet, the prints of Danmark’

He drops his gavel, lighting change. {Much of the

following exchange is in iambic pentameter. The

eccentric phonetic spelling is to remind the actors

of the amount of syllables required}.

Pre-recorded voice-over*:*( perhaps ‘The Chairman’ with a megaphone)

Passengers for flightP178 your flight is now boarding

at gate number 7. Passengers for flight P178 please

make your way to the departure area. Your flight is

now boarding at gate no.7

Laertes :

That’s all me bags checked in. sister, I’m off.

You’ll let me know the news yeah? Keep in touch.

Ophelia :

Don’t worry bro’ I promise, all the news.

Laertes :

And as for Hamlet, listen to me, sis;

he’s all about you now, but that won’t last.

You’ll have to learn what blokes are like: we’re


Look all I mean is, don’t keep up your hopes.

Ophelia :

You think he’s not that into me?

Laertes :

I do.

I’m not sayin that he’s line, don’t get me wrong.

He probably means it now, the stuff he says.

But things…things change and Hamlet is a prince.

And nothing is straightforward when you’re Royle.

(Ophelia makes a face)

Let’s say he loves you; say he’s bein straight,

He’s never gonna marry who he loves.

When he gets hitched, it’s gonna hafta be

Some foreign one whose probbly Royle like him.

It’s politics Sis, that’s the way it is.

So mind yourself, juh hear me? Just be wide.

You hafta look at things the way they are.

Ophelia :

You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

You’re right.

But listen to me now, if it’s the case

That I have to be ‘wide’; you be ‘wide’ too.

And Practice what you preach when you’re in France.

Look after yourself wont you?

Laertes :

Always do.

Oh Look, here’s Da. Juh come to see me off?

Polonius :

Look at him standin’ there! Go on you fool!

C’mere before y’go; a word or two.


I wish you all the best in Gay Paree,

A coupla things to think about alright?

Some handy stuff to know when you’re abroad:

keep Your thoughts to yourself, at least at first.

And take your time before you make a move.

Of any type: and listen to me now.

Be friendly to them all, but don’t make friends,

With anyone you meet Son, take your time.

Keep out of any rows now if you can.


If someone goes for you, you stand your ground.

Dress well, clothes are important, it’s the truth.

But well not ‘flash’ see? Quality’s the thing.

In France they know the difference ‘tween the two.


You’re not a bank, so don’t be makin’ loans.

And have nobody makin’ loans to you.

‘Coz that’s how people end up fallin’ out.

And last thing that I’ll tell you is; be straight.

Be honest with yourself is what I’m sayin’

And if you can do that, you’ll be alright.

So off y’go now son, and best of luck!

Pre-recorded voice-over:

Passengers for Paris final call. All passengers for

Paris, to gate number 7.

Laertes :

That’s me. I’d better go. Right, see you dad.


Go on my son, before they close the gate!

Laertes :

I will, goodbye then sis, you wont forget?

-what I just told you.

Ophelia :

No I wont forget.

Pre-recorded voice-over:

Passanger Laertes Polonius for Paris, travelling

flight P178 Copenhagen to Paris please proceed

immediately to gate number 7.

Polonius :


So tell me daughter what’s all that about?

Ophelia :

Just something about Hamlet Dad,- that’s all.

Polonius :

Oh Hamlet is it? Hamlet? Rightio.

I heard something about that. So, well now.

It’s true then is it? Something’s goin’ on?

There’s been a lot of talk, so tell me now.

Ophelia :


There’s nothing much to tell you. That’s the truth.

I like him only. He’s been very tender.

Polonius :

Tender? Tender? When it comes to boys,

The only tender I am concerned with.

Is legal tender. That’s reliable.

‘love me tender’ isn’t half as good.

Ophelia :

I think he‘s been sincere with me, I think.

Polonius :

‘You think’ we all can ‘think’ but you don’t know.

Ophelia :

He’s made all sorts of promises to me.

Polonius :

Oh promises and pledges, right I see.

Forget about it. No. I mean this now.

Put Hamlet’s ‘promises’ out of your mind.

He’s young and rich and may do as he likes.

You have to be more careful. Listen up.

You’re done with him. Break off all contact. now.

Don’t meet or write or see him anymore.

Ophelia :

I get it dad. No Hamlet. Not for me.

Polonius :

I’m sorry love, no good can come of it.

Ophelia :

You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

You’re right.

Polonius :

Okay then right, you know what you’ve to do.

Forget you ever met him.

Ophelia :

Hamlet who?

Ophelia and Polonius exit.

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