Saturday, April 30, 2011

Something Rotten 3

The background rolls up to reveal an ad for Air

France or something.


Hand nah! The roundly players present, scenes from

Shakespeares tragedy; ‘Hamnet, the prints of Danmark’

He drops his gavel, lighting change. {Much of the

following exchange is in iambic pentameter. The

eccentric phonetic spelling is to remind the actors

of the amount of syllables required}.

Pre-recorded voice-over*:*( perhaps ‘The Chairman’ with a megaphone)

Passengers for flightP178 your flight is now boarding

at gate number 7. Passengers for flight P178 please

make your way to the departure area. Your flight is

now boarding at gate no.7

Laertes :

That’s all me bags checked in. sister, I’m off.

You’ll let me know the news yeah? Keep in touch.

Ophelia :

Don’t worry bro’ I promise, all the news.

Laertes :

And as for Hamlet, listen to me, sis;

he’s all about you now, but that won’t last.

You’ll have to learn what blokes are like: we’re


Look all I mean is, don’t keep up your hopes.

Ophelia :

You think he’s not that into me?

Laertes :

I do.

I’m not sayin that he’s line, don’t get me wrong.

He probably means it now, the stuff he says.

But things…things change and Hamlet is a prince.

And nothing is straightforward when you’re Royle.

(Ophelia makes a face)

Let’s say he loves you; say he’s bein straight,

He’s never gonna marry who he loves.

When he gets hitched, it’s gonna hafta be

Some foreign one whose probbly Royle like him.

It’s politics Sis, that’s the way it is.

So mind yourself, juh hear me? Just be wide.

You hafta look at things the way they are.

Ophelia :

You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

You’re right.

But listen to me now, if it’s the case

That I have to be ‘wide’; you be ‘wide’ too.

And Practice what you preach when you’re in France.

Look after yourself wont you?

Laertes :

Always do.

Oh Look, here’s Da. Juh come to see me off?

Polonius :

Look at him standin’ there! Go on you fool!

C’mere before y’go; a word or two.


I wish you all the best in Gay Paree,

A coupla things to think about alright?

Some handy stuff to know when you’re abroad:

keep Your thoughts to yourself, at least at first.

And take your time before you make a move.

Of any type: and listen to me now.

Be friendly to them all, but don’t make friends,

With anyone you meet Son, take your time.

Keep out of any rows now if you can.


If someone goes for you, you stand your ground.

Dress well, clothes are important, it’s the truth.

But well not ‘flash’ see? Quality’s the thing.

In France they know the difference ‘tween the two.


You’re not a bank, so don’t be makin’ loans.

And have nobody makin’ loans to you.

‘Coz that’s how people end up fallin’ out.

And last thing that I’ll tell you is; be straight.

Be honest with yourself is what I’m sayin’

And if you can do that, you’ll be alright.

So off y’go now son, and best of luck!

Pre-recorded voice-over:

Passengers for Paris final call. All passengers for

Paris, to gate number 7.

Laertes :

That’s me. I’d better go. Right, see you dad.


Go on my son, before they close the gate!

Laertes :

I will, goodbye then sis, you wont forget?

-what I just told you.

Ophelia :

No I wont forget.

Pre-recorded voice-over:

Passanger Laertes Polonius for Paris, travelling

flight P178 Copenhagen to Paris please proceed

immediately to gate number 7.

Polonius :


So tell me daughter what’s all that about?

Ophelia :

Just something about Hamlet Dad,- that’s all.

Polonius :

Oh Hamlet is it? Hamlet? Rightio.

I heard something about that. So, well now.

It’s true then is it? Something’s goin’ on?

There’s been a lot of talk, so tell me now.

Ophelia :


There’s nothing much to tell you. That’s the truth.

I like him only. He’s been very tender.

Polonius :

Tender? Tender? When it comes to boys,

The only tender I am concerned with.

Is legal tender. That’s reliable.

‘love me tender’ isn’t half as good.

Ophelia :

I think he‘s been sincere with me, I think.

Polonius :

‘You think’ we all can ‘think’ but you don’t know.

Ophelia :

He’s made all sorts of promises to me.

Polonius :

Oh promises and pledges, right I see.

Forget about it. No. I mean this now.

Put Hamlet’s ‘promises’ out of your mind.

He’s young and rich and may do as he likes.

You have to be more careful. Listen up.

You’re done with him. Break off all contact. now.

Don’t meet or write or see him anymore.

Ophelia :

I get it dad. No Hamlet. Not for me.

Polonius :

I’m sorry love, no good can come of it.

Ophelia :

You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

You’re right.

Polonius :

Okay then right, you know what you’ve to do.

Forget you ever met him.

Ophelia :

Hamlet who?

Ophelia and Polonius exit.

Something Rotten 2

Chairman: my supreme delight to give you the

marvellous, the musical, the very very merry…

Roseycratch and Guilderson.

A backdrop falls of a park scene, Rosencrantz and

guildernstern emerge in striped black and white suits

with straw boaters and canes under their arms.

Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:

We are the boys who know to have a good time!

I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!

So up, high in the mountains, or off in the brine,

I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of myiyiyine!

We might have troubles,

They pop like bubbles,

We might have heartache

But of our friendship we still partake, for

We are the boys who know to have a good time!

I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!


I say I say I say Is it true that prince Hamlet

was named after one of the great Viking kings of antiquity.


Maybe. But I heard from his mother that it was

because when he was born, he looked like a little ham.

Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:

We are the boys who know to have a good time!

I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!

Travel north up to sweden, or west of the rhine,

I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of mine


You know, I think it’s wrong to speak of the young

prince that way, the bottom has just fallen out of his world.


You take umbrage my friend?

I do.

You take offence?

I do.


You take exception?

Exception, yes.

Here’s a piece of advice, when the bottom falls

out of your world; don’t take umbrage don’t take

exception and don’t take offence, if the bottom has

truly fallen out of your world take a laxative, that

way, the bottom wont fall out of your world anymore;

It wont?

No. the world will fall out of your bottom!

Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:

We are the boys who know to have a good time!

I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!

He sings out of key, and he cant dance in time,

I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of mine.


You know they say there’s something truly rotten in

the state of Denmark.


Worse than these jokes?


Hey if your not gonna laugh at the jokes you can at

least smile out of respect to their age.

And y’know speakin of respect

if Polonius is so worried about that daughter of his

he shouldn’t have named her Ophelia.


What should he have called her then?


He should’ve called Ophelia ‘Oh don’t feelya’,

Oh don’t touchya or


Then Hamlet might get the message.

Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:

We are the boys who know to have a good time!

I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!

Your dancing offends me, Your singings a crime,

But I still can be your buddy, and your still a pal o' mine.


And speaking of messages, I got one from the king

of Denmark the other day it said ‘Pack your things

immediately’ stop ‘make your way to Denmark for all

expenses paid trip to live with us and help with Hamlet.


Hey that sounds great, why don’t we do that?


Well I no sooner start packing when I read the next

word. stop. So then I stop.


You couldn’t tell which way a lift was heading if

you got two guesses. We’ve been invited to dine with



We have?




Then what are we doing here performing to this bunch

of deadbeats? I mean ladies and gentlemen. No offence

but that one looks like half an idiot and that’s the

good half.

Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:

We are the boys who know to have a good time!

I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!

Were leaving for Denmark, were wasting no time!

We’re so happy we do not care if this song doesn’t


Lets get a plaaaaannne!

Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern stick their arms out

like planes and swoop around the stage and then off

making aeroplane noises


Rosycrants and Geldonson ladies an gennelmun oo Hi

ave jast been hinformed har beginning tonight their

world tour performing befowah the crowned heads of

heurope wot reside in the City hof Copenaygen. So

lets wish ‘em luck shall we?

The background rolls up to reveal an ad for Air

France or something.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Poster

That is all.

Something Rotten.

This is the opening scene of an adaptation like as what I wrote of Hamlet. The original play has nothing wrong with it; I just did this because I was asked. I was asked to do this for a school and I thought it might be fun to do it as a victorian music-hall variety show. Not really what they were looking for in the end, but there y'go. This is the opening scene:

Three reserved seats at right angle to the stage area. Perhaps a ‘Chairman’ of the Victorian music-hall style; a single character on a stool next to blackboard upon which the upcoming acts are scrawled in order, ie;

1#The amazing Day Profundis spiritual medium,

2#Rosencrantz and Guildenstern the song and dance men.

3#The roundly players extracts from Shakespeare,

4#A recitation: ‘Pyruss and Priam’ by the prince and the puppet-master.

5#The Light Entertainment, shadow puppet group, present ‘The Murder of Gonzago’

6#Some ‘Queen’ by Prince.

7#Roundly players and other scenes from the bard,

8#Ophelia’s musical medley of madness.

9#‘Display of fencing skill by young noblemen’.

If we have our ‘Chairman’ sitting on a stool with a gavel in hand; he should hit it and call for order from the audience when the house lights are still up, and they’re all fairly noisy.


Lahahdieeez end Gennulmehn! You ah Walcome heah to the
(made up name for the venue) Palace of HEntataynmunt end Hexcelllents tonight, foh aye Show such has we Har deeeloyted to present to yooo, featuring Harteeests of unrivalled Skill hand dexterity which is not to be fahnd ennywhere hin the Danish Hempire!

Nah, we wonts hay good little haudience and vat means no mucking abaht. Vat means if you’ve got somefink wiv you like as what makes noise, we would kindly hand most graciously hask you to fix it nah; like as what it wont make no noise. Hat hall. You heard me.

No gyrations vibrations or other sensations buzzing around in the pockets. All your entertainment will be coming from the stage area.


Vats right madam don’t be shy. We don’t want nuffink disturbing hour harteestes do we? Right, vers a good little haudients.

Hamlet, Marcellus and Horatio come in at his point through the same entrance as everybody else. Preferably ushered in by whoever’s doing Front-of-house, to the reserved seats.


Oh we don’t have to sit here do we?


Welcome gennulmen welcome, the show is abaht to begin;

Hin the hevent of a foyah or some uvver hunpleasant conflagration what is requiring hevacuation; Our hexits are…(Instructions for exits). Women and children first of course and gawd save the king of Denmark.

All done? Right.

Nah before our feehatrickle presentation we Har deeeloyted to tell you vat; by way of a warm up act; we has( angry whispers from backstage) you what? blimey! Before our feehatrickle presentation by way of a warm up ‘hexperience’ Han hextrouadinary yang person ‘oo as hay yoooneeek gift in Psychic Reading hand Mentalistic Powah; hand his no doubt destined for great things in vis field; hand they should know ‘cause they can see right into the fewcha,

Hamlet throws a look of disdain to the others, who raise their eyebrows as if to mime, ’give it a chance’

put your ands togevvah bat keep your minds open for ve yoooneek hand huncanny habilities of: ‘Day Profundis’.(to backstage) Your on!

The Chairman hits the gavel. Lighting change. Enter Day Profundis. The staging of Day’s act can be as ridiculous or realistic as you like. In the style of Victorian magicians they could be wearing: a turban and robes, a coolie hat and yellow fu man chu make-up, a topper, cape and tails, or in the style of nowadays, a modern suit or casual. Similarly the act itself could be ridiculously unconvincing or as near to the actual modern cold-reading spiritualist con-trick (The ‘yes’ and ‘no’ sections do not require an actual spoken yes or no, but the slightest body movement positive/negative should dictate which answer Day Profundis thinks they’re being given) as your actor can carry off.

The following tract is my idea for the
Certainly they should investigate and have fun with it and extend the act past what’s written here.

Day Profundis:

Hello. Good evening ladies and Gentlemen and thank you for your time. My name is Day Profundis and I’m pleased to have your attention and time for a few minutes while we are here together in this room.


Just standing here I can… Yes just standing here there is a sense… I have a sense… a strong sense yes I believe there is a very strong sense of warm and positive energy tonight. There is… yes there is almost… can you feel it? Like an energy, a warm energy… a powerful energy… an energy of love. An energy of anticipation. Yes. Very strong. I would like to thank you for this energy ladies and gentlemen because warmth and positivity and openness are very important to the work I do… and the work I hope to do with you here tonight.


But I’m just talking now and… yes? I have a feeling that not every person in this room is feeling the same way. There is… it’s almost… yes like a frequency, like a warm musical chord emanating, but this…there is another… there are small concentrations of negativity within. Very slight but feelings of… a negative… almost like a disappointment… expectation and… a loss of… I see very clearly in my mind now a man, a young man, wearing, wearing black yes? Does this mean anything? There is a young man. Yes. Now he is very clear and he is talking loudly or maybe singing or shouting its… Does this mean anything to anyone? A young man and he’s holding something… A ball? Something that pertains to his childhood. This image is strong and connects to more than one person in this room. Yes. More than one person in this room is wondering where this man is… I would like to be of help to anyone in this room searching for this young man but something is blocking…

If more than one person laughs, groans or makes any signal that they ‘get it’ during the above underlined reverie; the actor must skip immediately to the following section.

Wait… No it’s gone. I apologise ladies and gentlemen but to see and connect with the spirit world… Is not an exact science. If you can give me a moment, I believe we can try again.


Now I would like you all to take a moment, just a moment to go into yourself and to search and to feel your own connections. We are all connected and I would ask you now to imagine a beam of light like a signal… a strong beam of light coming from within you… emanating from your chest like a strong fibre optic cable coming from within you and saying to the spirit world ‘I am here’ ‘speak to me’. Just now… just for a moment… in silence…

(long pause)

Wait! you miss
(sir/madam whoever)you were just thinking of someone… Yes! There was someone close? Maybe not that close to you but someone yes! Were you thinking of someone?

Audience member:


Day Profundis:

Yes it was very clear.
Audience member:


Day Profundis:

No there was someone there just for an instant

Day Profundis:

…and they were… something in their hands… Are they the person you are thinking of, or may have been… something in their hands… Were they? This person wasn’t a mechanic… or a carpenter?

Audience member:


Day Profundis:

Yes this person had a trade… and now I see a woman… is this?…

Audience member:


Day Profundis:

And this woman… they are,

They’re looking for…

Wait! Who is this woman?

Audience member:


Day Profundis:

Right. Yes it’s so clear…

Audience member:


Day Profundis:

No I didn’t think so but hands… I see them … cooking? Sewing? Gardening? It’s coming clearer now I see a woman…

Audience member:


Day Profundis:

A woman with a strong connection to this person we’re thinking of… who is this woman; Do you know?

Audience member:

I don’t know.

Day Profundis:

You still don’t know, okay; I’m gonna ask you to think…

I’m asking you now to empty your mind and concentrate. Because this is very important. This person has a message for you about something…


There is something about money? Inheritance? Yes?

Something… perhaps a treasured item like a family heirloom. It’s coming very clear that there is, I want you to concentrate on what it might be…

The next part can be done in one of two ways; the easy way and the difficult way that will take hundreds of hours of practice. I would prefer you try the latter.

The first way involves a simple bit of acting; Day Profundis simply adopts a different voice and face for these parts. The second involves a completely different actor bellowing backstage while Day lip-synchs perfectly.

Day Profundis(as the dead KING):


Who do you think it is?

Look I don’t want to spend anymore time talking through this idiot than I have to…

Boy… You’re going to have to do something.

I’m sorry to put it all on you but I have… you have to do something I’m stuck! damn me I’m stuck! And you have to unstuck me and there it is!

STUCK! My soul, my soul is tainted and I cant move! I see it all, my son! And I can do nothing! I see their kisses their caresses! Hate and rage consume me! Hate and rage weigh me down like chains. HOW DARE THEY? How dare they! That bollock of Satan that calls himself King! I MADE Denmark!

Day Profundis(as himself):

I would ask everybody in the audience now to sensitise ourselves and to feel the positive energy flowing…

Day Profundis(as the dead KING):

Silence Moron! I’m talking to my Son!

My anger and rage are what keep me here. I lost my life, I lost my chance to forgive. One thing can set me free and that is vengance! He took it all, everything I ever had and everything I was going to have he took it! My own brother!

Day Profundis(as himself):

When the spirits speak to us we must be open and we must listen. Sensitivity to the spirit world is..

Day Profundis(as the dead KING):

(slapping himself)Shuttup!

He poisoned me! Right in the ear, when I was sleeping! He poured in something to melt my mind and poison my heart! The man who wears my crown, the man who lies on my wife’s belly the man who pretends he’s rightful king of Denmark, the man who would call you son!

You have to do something about it! You have…

Nip!nip!nip!nip! fuzaaaaaahhh!


Fuzzaaahh! Nip! Fuz nip!



Promise me!


I promise Father.

Day Profundis(returning to the audience member):

Yes.. This person who may or may not be a man or a woman or close friends with a man or woman loosely connected with mechanics, carpentry, cookery, or gardening has something important to say to you.

(pause, if anybody giggles-wait for them to stop)

They want you to know that they’re watching you now and that they understand your worries but they want you to know that everything’s going to be alright.

Fizzup, or I should say Fizzap. Nip Nip Nip

Day Profundis(as the dead KING):

Promise me!


I promise.

Day Profundis:

Ummmm yes, I’m feeling very tired now the spiritual forces are very draining tonight and I shant be able to continue…

I would like to thank you all tonight and I hope that this session has been of benefit. If any of you have felt tonight that a perhaps somebody was trying to speak to you but they didn’t get through this time I would remind you that I have had great success with individual sessions which can be arranged for a small fee. Yes. Erm.

Thank you and goodnight.

Hamlet sits in shock. Then gets up to leave without communicating with the others. Who look at each other and then follow him.


Day Profundis ladies and Gennelmen, hand ‘is huncanny habilities! Connecting us wiv the world beyond! Rand of haupplause if you will… Certainly gave you the shivers eh madam?
(to Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus)

Leaving already gennelmun? You shall miss the best part of the show… There har no refunds y’know…

Yang gennelmun these days!

Hand nah!

I must ask you; ‘ave you lungs?

Ave you?

For you must be prepared to use ‘em,

Ave you feet an ands?

Then you must be prepared to stamp and to clap because it is now my supreme delight to give you the marvellous, the musical, the very very merry…

Roseycratch and Guilderson.....

A backdrop falls of a park scene, Rosencrantz and guildernstern emerge in striped black and white suits with straw boaters and canes under their arms...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Bill Bryson Shakespeare

There was resonant story, or to put it another way, there was a story I have never forgotten, printed in 2000ad in the early eighties about the origin of Shakespeare's plays.

It was one of a series of short stories about time-travel with a twist in the ending; this one was nice because it promised the reader an answer to the conundrum of who actually wrote all of Shakespeare's famous works.

The story is narrated by a man in elisabethan dress speaking directly to the 'camera'. He relates the tale of himself as a younger man, an obsessional genius who occupies his mind only with astrophysics and the works of William Shakespeare.

Thanks to his brilliant mind and steadfast diligence,— he finally unlocks the secret of efficient and safe time-travel, but rather than publish his findings and change the world forever— first he decides to use the device to travel back in time and actually meet the most famous poet/dramatist in the English language.

He gets some period gear, he sets the dial, and off he goes.

He arrives at the right day, in the right year, in the correct part of London to discover that there is no sign of Stratford's most famous citizen, and waits for the bard to show up.

The 'twist' is, there is no Shakespeare: nobody has ever heard of him.

He waits and waits until, in a blind panic, rather than see a world without the work of Shakespeare— the scientist sits down and writes out the complete works of the bard from memory.

The plays are staged, the sonnets collected, ( and in the guise of Shakespeare,) he is a great success but by the end of the story is driven into madness and melancholia with wondering where the all the work (that he has learnt by rote) actually came from.

Cool story, but as Roy Walker used to say on catchphrase: "It's a good answer but it's not right".

Bill Bryson has a far better-researched and also far more-common sense answer to the 'who wrote Shakespeare' question which is convincing, entertainingly put and makes a lot of academics look very silly indeed.

I strongly recommend it; for even if you have scant knowledge or only a passing interest in the play's and pomes of old Billy-Boy you will feel, upon completion of this fairly slim volume, that you know everything,or just as much as anyone else, or just as much as there is that's worth knowing, about the life of William Shakespeare.

And you'll have been entertained.

Not bad for €10.44

And it's entertaining.

Did I mention that?

Thor in my side

I never really liked Marvel Comics and I thought the worst were their Thor Comics.

Vikings,- like Ninjas or Pirates are just automatically cool, but Thor was the lamest, spandex-disco-viking I had ever seen. I think I only ever had one Thor comic because ( as well as Thor looking totally lame) the story was rubbish with way too much reading and no action.

This is an entire page from Thor*:

* Not actually him in this panel,
someone in disguise,
but who gives a flyin'

Is lame, no?

This is how much reading went along with this one lame picture:

The clunky exposition, the rubbish alliteration, the assumption that I'll find this interesting because I'm told that it's interesting, the vomit-inducing patronising tone, the 'spot-the difference' puzzle element to the page (because Odin-knows the story aint gonna grab ya) LAME LAME LAME LAME... AAAAAAAAARGH!

Why does so much Marvel read like it was written by a game-show host?

Speaking of AAAAAAAAARGH! Compare Thor to this guy, the viking from 2000ad, his name is Wulf Sternhammer and his mighty hammer he calls 'der Happy Stick!':

And that's not even a full-page and Wulf isn't even the main character.
Wulf was a Historical Scandinavian who began his story as a Warrior on the fjords but got mixed up with a time-travel and became an intergalactic bounty-hunter.

Which to my mind made him way cooler.

This last picture of Wulf is from the same page: there is more 'viking' in this image ( *Which took up about the same area as one of those over-long talk boxes) than I ever saw in my entire Thor comic.

Marvel Thor isn't a real viking, he's not even a real God,— he's just a Spaceman,—and Kenneth Brannagh sounds like he doesn't want anyone to know that he comes from Belfast.

But I went to see the fillum anyway.


Because of Bock is why.

And hand on heart, it wasn't a bad 'oul flick: way better than the comics, — but what sort of a world is it when all that time and talent goes into the lame-o lunch-box cover crap-arsed viking of my youth and 'Wulf' and 'der happy stick' are consigned to relative oblivion?

I ask you?

Sunday, April 24, 2011


In Finland easter eggs are real eggs with real egg shells but inside is solid chocolate. How do they do this? Well the answer is of course that they use magic. You know that there's a lot of magic around in Finland at easter because, at easter, all the children dress up as witches (or their cats) and call door to door singing songs for treats: 100% FACT.

This year I am in Ireland and enduring a cold† and lonely angry-against-the-world easter. Tonight, at about 10.30 my doorbell rang. I don't get many visitors 'round these parts, certainly never at this time and I was in bed watchin' the interweb when I heard an insistent bingbongbingbongbingbong.
†'Cold' for internal temperament, not external temperature.
Cursing and grumbling, I dressed myself and made my way downstairs to open the door. Nobody there. Nobody left, nobody right— but down on the ground right outside the door were three easter eggs (Mars, Cadburys Creme and Ben10 if you're askin' ) and a beautiful hand-made card that said 'Happy Easter Darren'.

It is now.

There's magical kids in this country too.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Catlick Chorch.

Thrown together with more than a nod to the Donagh McDonagh poem: 'Dublin made me' (like as what I did for me leavin'.) Todays poem is a nasty bit of sneering anger. The eccentric spelling of the title is there to suggest the reader puts on their hardest north-dublin working-class accent.

The Catlick Chorch made me,
and no little cult,
With it's proselytising surveys on the street.
or baldy congo-bangers dancing on its pavements,
Or bragging born-agains with megaphone-borne bleats,

Devouring the fractured between them,
snapping the worried sheep back to the pen.
The anorexic, the neurotic, and the weak,
Most wholly: profit shall be born again.

The Catlick Chorch made me,
not something fashionable,
That's all the rage with actor-millionaires,
that advocates the gathering of wealth,
So rich folks can be holy in Bel-air,

Patronising post-colonial 'God-lite',
Might be your drug of choice, it isn't mine.
Or those cute self deceiving hippy-chicks who bend,
And break to the east for a sign.

The soft and dreary Anglicans, with their tame beliefs,
Built on the balls of a horny english king,
The lunatic puritans beating on One book,
One Rule: 'Thou shalt do no such fucking thing'.

I disclaim all the 'come-lately's;— all the splits,
The evil that comes from them and the good.
And Cat-lick doctrine also,

yeah, it's shit.

I'd rid the world of that crap, if I could.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Good Friday part II

It's late... I maybe lost the run of meself a bit...

An interventionist God should intervene,
And if he can't or won't then he should not,
The lucky lepers met the Nazarene,
( The other Lepers never got a shot),

An omnipotent God should use his might
to cure us all,-or if that's not the plan
To cure no-one, it seems a wee bit shite,
To only help out people when you can-

- make it into P.R. for your own son.
( so those who get to witness, will believe )
And stop it when the P.R. job is done.
And leave the rest to die with no reprieve,

And nothing as miraculous or great
for us to witness, no - we must have "faith"

The truth is I am on the Jesus side,
I like his take on things, I like his view,
"Forgive your enemies,"- "reduce your pride,"
"Treat others as you'd like them to treat you",

"Whoever's without sin, cast the first stone".
It's different from the torah or koran,
The spirit of the gospels stands alone,
( The other books don't really give a damn

and differ only by some slight degrees )
They both advocate murder: that's just fine!
Oppress your women: kill your enemies,

So long as you don't never dig on swine.

The gospels ('Musselmen' and Jews despise),
Impart a message way more civilised.

Without the magic tricks, it still holds true,
as a philosophy,-it still has clout.
What difference would it make to me or you,
If it was proved beyond the slightest doubt-

- that Jesus died and never healed the lame?
or walked on water, did no parlour tricks?
he just was right. Would that be such a shame?
To know the sick he visited stayed sick?

The point was that he visited, I think.
He dwelt among the outcasts, the despised,
And giving comfort to the destitute,
Is not as cool as giving folk new eyes,

But it's a good example for a creed.
That champions empathy above base greed.

It's a good pointer on the way to live,
A great example of what we can be,
To receive in this world then you must give,
These words are not, for me, hard to believe.

The world today's miraculous beyond,
what bronze-age desert tribes could ever dream,
Though people in the Third world are bein' conned,
exploited and enslaved and all between,

That's the temple I think we should wreck,
If did we follow Jesus, this would stop.
We wouldn't tolerate it one more day.
We'd fix it so each child would get enough.

and if we did: d'you reckon christ would say,

"No that's not it! - you're just supposed to pray"

Good Friday

Space Jesus with the magic healing trick,
what cured the lame, the lepers and the blind,
Was able to help out the poor and sick,
( who got sick at the proper place and time ),

to demonstrate his truly awesome power,
( and silence non-believers at a stroke ),
This aspect of the story turns me sour.
No seriously folk, is this a Joke?

For speaking for myself, I'd be ashamed,
if I had the ability to cure,
and used it to advance my cause and name,
and stopped.
Why do it? What was that all for?

"So all would know the truth;- 'his light shone out'"

Oh Yeah?

-Well I'm a part of 'All'
..............this gives me doubt.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Crappy Days

I have a pal who reckons "I will survive" could work with a male singer and some slightly changed lyrics... Something along the lines of:

"At first YOU were afraid,- YOU were petrified... kept thinkin' YOU could never live without ME by YOUR side..."

I dunno meself...I mean,- I get what he's at, that is to say— such a song could have its place and certainly might not sound quite as ridiculous as a person first might think that it would sound; still... What would be the 'point' of it?

Is it not just mean to hijack a feminine anthem ('Fenthem' anyone?) and turn the message from one of personal triumph to an unsympathetic 'Get over it love!'?

- I do get the sentiment behind reclaiming this song from one of exultant feminine independence to sneering male indifference: it's coz we're sick of it.
We're sick of that mocking and accusatory expression worn on the faces of strangers as they gloatingly sing it at us in nightclubs.

Luckily for me, I know all the words and can gloat it right back but still, it irks to be blamed by people you don't know for leaving Gloria Gaynor ( who, in fairness, probably dumped a plethora of broken-hearted chaps who were mad about her but who warrant no inclusion into her song as they are useless as fuel for her man-ire and would only serve to remind our Gloria that people dump people and that it's not always about her ).

I've had an idea that I've been toying with,- that's not a million miles from the suggested re-working of 'I will survive' and probably just as likely to catch on.
I can blather on about it here because I've decided not to do it.

This is why:

When I came back from Finland and was idealistic about getting 'A Load Of Rubbish' performed my preferred Director asked me a question that astonished me: she asked, "Who are your intended audience?" and I was stumped. .

Whether there ever was an audience for 'A loada'- I never found out.
But this idea is definitely audience-less and so I don't think I'll bother.

The idea was, to write a play inspired by Samuel Beckett's 'Happy Days' involving— not a woman chattering away while she is simultaneously and symbolically buried alive by the indifference of the world and her husband; but a man.

This man would be buried in newspapers and jazz mags and ash-trays and empty bottles and cans instead of sand and;- instead of a monosyllabic half concealed partner he would be alone. He would address someone who used to be there. His voice would be grumpier and more visceral,- he would sound like 'The Tropic of Cancer' by Henry Miller. The play would be bleak and depressing and completely unpopular with everybody.

I'd call it 'Crappy days'.

How are you feeling yourself?

Phallusie fallacy


come, or
came across
one time a poem
about a swan. A shitty
poem to my mind
missing a point
a quite salient
point I thought,
a point I shall
reiterate right
here for you my
erstwhile chums
so here it comes:
poetry is only ever
real to me when it
reflects its spoken
origins: The music
and the sound of it
are both what make
a poem a poem- you
see? In short, some
words chosen quite
arbitrarily for their
typographical shape
:either to help a poet
describe the curve of
a majestic Cygnus on
a lake, or some bloody
Giraffe, or any other of
the many things you see
In nature with a general
profile that isn't difficult
to recognize, with a long
vertical section that maybe
also lends itself to this cheap and
pathetic dull trick that has about as much true lyricism
real musicality...creativity and charm as truncheon
Spitting & in a crudely-drawn..and frankly crap
doodle on a toilet wall somewhere. Somewhere as horrible and unsanitary and
as frankly revolting as I found this poem 'about a swan', 'in the shape of a swan'
to be. Now, when you combine, as sets, the amount of people who are incensed by a
'poem-in-a-shape' with the amount of people who read this blog then the final subset
you are left with is a small set indeed; in truth, I don't think anybody really cares and
who knows? perhaps there are even those who would be more offended by a typographical
phallus in their browser than are offended by the sight of a a poem in the shape of a swan
Anyway, I think I can say that I've made my point,- Poetry is for sounds and visual art is for
shapes and now there is nowt left for me to do... perhaps waffle on about nothing especially
interesting or important until I fill up the sac....seem to be getting away with it, of course
why shouldn't I? Really it just makes sense........The conclusion is 'just a load of balls'!-as it
should be, frankly there is somethin'............something perfect about that in my
estimation: -it fits so well....................I can only describe it as
poetic............................................... justice.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A Pock Sonnet

A sonnet's hard to write; you will agree.
This clunky effort's evidence enough.
That 'Sonnettie' construction's not for me.
For Sonnettry's an Art what I find tough.
The words don't seem to fit, or sit, quite right.
The rhymes feel over-laboured, to the ear.
To call a spade, a spade,— this poem is shite.
No, Sonnet-writing shan't be my career.
The style, the sound, the metre and the tone.
-They almost work; but in the end they fail.
In truth, I've not done anything, but shown,
scant grasp of what true Sonnetry entails,

But if I had the skills I would impart,
A sonnet that would break your fucking heart.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Hazey recollection.

I was just on the radio* talkin' about "funny stories from your childhood"

*Limerick's live 95fm... Check me out; I'm Mr Showbiz, me.

I didn't get to say this one on air but it's my fave so I thought I'd throw it up here.

I still remember, quite vividly, being walked to school through thick fog for the first time and being absolutely freaked by it.

"What's happening Mammy? Why can't I see?"

"It's fog. Don't worry about it. C'mon"

"What's fog?"

"Fog is when God gets up late in the morning and he doesn't have time to make the world properly — so he just makes the small bit that you are in so you can walk to school in it; he'll fill the rest in later on and it'll be grand, now c'mon."

Now I'm a grown up person like as what understands perfectly what fog is,— but to this day every foggy morning takes me back to that magical afternoon that I spent, spellbound: — earnestly looking out the window of Holy Trinity National School, watching HolyGod fill in the details after a late start, and wondering what it was that kept him up so late the night before.

Thanks Hazel. I miss you every day.

And most of all on foggy mornings.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Camden Palace Hotel

It's not a palace, it's not an hotel, — and it's nowhere near Camden; still, that is what it's called and that was where myself, Steff Master Baz and the Travelling Tourettes made our way to yester-eve in the continuing saga of 'Fivekinds'. In terms of audience, well... there was a few empty seats left when the show began but what can you do?

I will say this, the people down there running things must be some of the nicest that we've met so far. We shall be going back there now tonight and on friday too, and I for one am looking forward to it with the eager anticipation of an eager anticipatory thing.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Load of Rubbish pt6

start at the beginnin'

Yeah. Cars.
That’s what I sold back in the olden days!
What was my job? My job was telling LIES,
‘Very economical to run sir!’
‘These new electric cars are really green’
‘A little slice of freedom, just for you.’
That’s what I did beforetime- I told Lies!
I sold cars and my God, enjoyed it too.

Oh Father, you are quite out of your wits.
(Declaiming)Ignore the words that you have heard today!
For truly my Father is very old.
The last of the Reese-pon-Sybil is tired,
and quite confused, and seems to lose his mind,
He was, of course, a true eco-war-your,
He plays a game with us <
>Enough of Lies!
I say I was NOT an eco-war-your,
I told that Lie to your Mother back when,
Your mother was a beautiful young girl,
I lost me job. When the recession came,
You Can’t sell cars to people with no cash.
They let me go, and I was on the dole,
One night I met this gorgeous hippy-chick,
I didn’t think she’d think much of the job,
She seemed really into this eco-thing,
So I did what I always did: told lies,
I Said I was an eco warrior,
I Told her I was right behind the cause,
I Told her I’d been doin it for years.
After a while, I couldn’t tell the truth,
I couldn’t risk her leavin’ me –you see.
I really loved the woman truth be told.
She died in childbirth having you and I,
I didn’t give a damn, for anything.
The day came it all stopped and nothing worked.
And then the world that I knew seemed to die,
die overnight, Just like she said it would.
And even though she’d told me many times,
when it happened, it was still a surprise.
I never knew that everything would stop.
Or anyone would make a saint of me.
So I lied to the woman that I loved.
But now I’ne gonna tell you all the truth,
Nobody saw it coming, not really,
not Hippies, Crusties, Scientists no-one.
Oh Everybody knew the theory, yes.
It wasn’t a big secret, not at all.
We knew, there’d be no oil, we knew the ice,
The ice caps were receding everyday.
But it was all so abstract at that time,
You couldn’t get your head round it at all
and if you did, you’d only get depressed,
It wasn’t like you’d have any effect,
on something so large, so out of control,
Spider man seemed more real than climate change.
Even most of your mothers Hippie friends,
T’was really just a life-style thing for them ,
It was club, that’s all it was, a club.
They didn’t really want the world to change,
They liked their own place in it way too much.
They Loved their little ‘ONLY WE CARE’ gang,
That’s why they kept membership exclusive.
And now they’re known as Reese-pon-Sybils? Ha!
As far as I’m concerned they were not then,
and are not now, Responible at all!
They have no right to claim ‘We told you so’
Their actions made no difference, so they failed.
They cannot claim responsibility.
As far as your concerned,-daughter of mine,
I’m not Responsible ‘cos I sold cars.
Then I am nothing, grand.-but if it’s true:.
Your mother really was the real deal,
and I am just the lowest type of fraud.
then you, are only ‘half-Responsible’.
The man you married was Responsible.
and so your son’s Responsibility,
is measured as three quarters, if I’m right.
In total, that’s seventy five percent.
Compared against your fifty, or my nought.
You see, by your rules, he’s the one in charge.
(Hands organic his mask, and offers his seat, he bows and winks)
And as the most Responsible one here,
allowed to marry who he Eff’n’likes!


I place myself at your service my lord.(bows)

You mad old fucker! tell me is this true!(laughs )
I can’t believe you’d hide that all this time,
How die know you didn’t just make it up?
You did, didn’t you, just to help me out?

Of course he did, that’s it, he made it up!

Can anybody here prove that I’m lying?
I can’t prove it, but it’s the truth, I swear.
That is the way it was boy- I was there.

Alright Grandfather, if you will insist,
Okay, If I’m in charge here,- sound the gong!
(He takes the mask and his Grandfathers seating position)
(The gong) Reset Protocol!
You are a waster, tell me, what are you?

Who-What ? Oh yes, I am a waster, yes.

You come here to the Garbagerie, why?

I have brung items, I, my daughter I…

No no, I mean why do you ever come?
What does the Garbagerie mean to you?
Why don’t you keep your surplus for yourself?

Well I…

The truth is, you don’t have to come at all.

No But<
And yet you always come, just tell me why.

Well the…Mean to say, Type of thing, I mean.
The truth is, well you might put it like this,
Garbagerie, well it’s the type of thing…
It’s very useful for a man like me.
I meets the other farmers outside here,
I has a Look at whatever they brought,
I sees how well they’re doing overall.
It’s good for trading, get me? See Who’s flush,
And who is hard up- the hard up sells cheap.
Not only that, but see, I mean to say
for Wasters like us:, it’s a source of pride.
(The Garbagerie here and the Old Man),
‘Cause evvy-one knows this one is the best,
cos that old man’s the last…I mean to say.

So it’s true that, to a certain extent,
The pride and prestige of the whole province,
Rest on my Grandfathers reputation,
as the last known living Reese-pon-Sybil.

Well ‘did’, or does, or all I’ne trine to say,
What he was sane there, that’s some kind of joke,
I’m sure it was, but not funny to me,
I wait four weeks with my daughter and now…

You don’t Axe-ept Grandfathers story then?

I don’t! I do not sir, and that’s a fact!

I wonder could you tell me why that is?

Look, I don’t know bee-four times, I don’t care,
But this Garbagerie’s the best there is,
An why? ‘Cause it’s the only one what has,
Himself, an he’s right old an he’s the best,
For Crustiness and Hippiedom and that.
I don’t see why there has to be a change,
I don’t want to start walkin’ thirty miles,
to some other Garbagerie what don’t
have nothing half as good as our old man.
And I don’t want folk laughin in me face,
An sane ‘he isn’t real’ and we was fooled.
No. Better things just stay the way they was,
Just Straight: Which brings me right back to our deal.

Okay Grandfather, you heard what he said,
Your subjects don’t enjoy our little joke.

I have no subjects,
only from great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty comes power as Speidmunn said
The Spiderman said nothing of the sort.
It was not him but his uncle who said,
‘With great Power comes great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.’
Which is a dif’rent thing altogether.
It means you have position to uphold.
Not for your sake, or Mothers or for mine,
But for the sake of everyone there is.
Let these innocent people keep their Saint,
Take it all back , it’s cruel to confuse them.

You lied didn’t you, about selling cars.

What do you mean? of course I didn’t lie!

Father, think of these people, not yourself.

Okay, if you insist, then I was line.

Well of course he was lying!
Of course he was!
And what a very mean and nasty trick to play on people,
When I think of all the…

Mother I will marry Totalia,
If she agrees, You do?>

I do,>

(to Woman)
And I am sure that you’ll give your consent.

But son, it’s quite impossible, she is
A Total Waster, after all, and you,
You are from superior stock, and you,
You, you could never marry so below,
your station, its unheard of, it’s obscene.

The only person here who can decide,
Who people were and were not in those days,
Is somebody who was alive back then.
Isn’t that right, Grandfather,
don’t you think?
So please take back your seat and mask at once.(he does so)
Now tell us as the most Reese-pon-Sybil,
and last living eco-war-your today.
How my bride, Totalia is in fact,
Not a Total Waster because her,
Grandparents were good friends of yours and they,
Were Reese-pon-Sybil people were they not?

Oh Yes, that’s true, I remember them now.
All organic Farmers as I recall.

But that’s not true, They weren’t!>

I’m sorry for my joking earl your on.
But what I now declare, let each man hear.
This girl is from most Reese-pon-Sybil stock,
and will marry my Grandson, that is all.
And that is quite enough for just one day.(Declaiming)
Disposal will resume again at dawn.
Till then you must recycle what you can.
The Garbagerie ends. Do not Disturb!
( Gong sounds, everyone not Reese-pon-Sybil leaves except THE BIG
WASTER and his daughter
( Woman takes off her Mask)

Okay son, what the hell is going on here?
( Grandfather takes off his mask)

You think we’ll get away with this?>

Now you talk like a Car-Salesman my lad.

Here Scuse me! Mere one second, scuse me, hoy!

Which brings us back to the topic of lies

Here What about my girl! We had a deal!

There was a deal made yes, a month ago.
A month ago your trick might well have worked!

Here now, what’s this? what’s this? what are you sane?

I’m saying that she’s already with child.
The girls’ already Pregnant is she not?
(pause… The girl bursts into tears)

Well isn’t she?



Enough! All right, my nerves are at an end!
There really has been too much for one day,
Silence Girl! stop whimpering! Shutup!
That’s better, never in my life has there,
been so much awful scandal in one day.
Just let me think, for all this must be solved.
Firstly, my son is quite soon to be wed,
to a girl from a Reese-pon-Sybil Fam’ly.
Any Liason with your daughter, is,
quite out of the question at this stage,
and pointless too, I think you will agree.
(she starts to whimper again)
But If she were to marry, you could pay,
for The wedding and for the dowry too,

Well sure, I could pay: that’s no problem but,
whose gonna wanna marry her like this?
one woman, one child, that’s the law today.
You cant unload a heifer that’s in calf!
She’s up the pole, an evvy-onnell know.

You are a Farmer of some property?

My property’s pure large, my livestock too,
It’s not much use if my girl is disgraced.

You’ll make an advance on the weddings cost?

I told you I will not marry this Girl!

Of course not, and why should you, when you are,
in love with this Reese-pon-Sybil Girl here.
Whose Fam’ly , my own Father will vouch for.
However, as you know,’ Waste is a Sin’.
So if we use Reese-pon-Sybil-itty,
In this matter, economy dictates,
that we combine the cost of both Weddings.

Both weddings?

There now, that stopped you crying! rightly so!
You shall be the envy of many brides,
For you are to be wed to a fine man,
Although no longer young, this man is still,
An Eco-war-your, unequalled in name,
or status, Crustiness or hippiedom.

But really my daughter,

Oh stop pretending that you’re not delighted with the prospect you
horny old goat!

A double weddin! I like this deal.

Or Treble…maybe.

I know its arrogant to just assume,
( She takes THE BIG WASTER by the hand)
But I have had a problem for some time,
I have my Father and my son, it’s true,
But there are other things a woman needs,
besides companionship, you understand.
And as my social station is so high,
Those Suitable to me are very few,
Imagine my delight when I found out,
The shrewdest and the sharpest dressed and yes,
the wealthiest farmer for miles around,
Was in fact descended from>

> Dell workers, like I said.

Oh Yes they worked the Dell that’s of course true,
But unbeknownst to any but a few,
They were in the Green Party were they not?
Isn’t that right Father?

What? Oh this again? Oh yes! I remember them very well, yes er…
What were their names?

Hazel Browne and Eileen Toomey,

Hazel and Eileen Yes, both very commited, Very commited.

( To Organic) Well if it’s good enough for you!
( To Waster) What’dyou think? Deal?

(He Laughs) Deal.

You’ll find that I prefer to make decisions
But can occaisionaly see the benefits in compromising,
You should also know that I have already had a child
and am now past child-bearing age,
So therefore there is nothing illegal about us
trying to have children,
As often as possible.
You will retain your farms and stock,
I will continue to maintain the Garbagerie,
Any Questions?
(In Love and Admiration and Glee)

No Ma’m

Right then, you can hand me your Purse, my love.
(He does so, She looks in it,. smiles, snaps it shut)
A treble wedding’s going to take some brains
to organise, and advertise and plan,
Like anything that takes some brains to do,
The presence of Men is Superfluous,
So why don’t you all leave us here at once,
Go to the caves and find this Girls father,
and Let him know he’s now Reese-pon-Sybil,
Whether he likes it or not, I don’t care.
Perhaps bring him the wine, he’ll need it yes!
(She starts pushing out the Men)
And afterwards why don’t you all get drunk,
Play cards, or fart, whatever things Men do
Just keep away as long as possible.
We cant be bothered looking after you.
Come my Girls! We’ve a wedding to Prepare!
Totalia, take her, and fetch the tin!
(The girls leave her alone on stage ,she shows wistful, girlish
Perhaps the world has always been this way
This ‘load of Rubbish’ we call pride and shame,
Are just two other masks we hide behind.
The more things change the more they stay the same.
Oh but can you believe it?
(She stands grinning for a while…-this should feel like a missed
cue- her smile melts
(He returns)

(loud whisper)They’re still here!
Sorry what?

They haven’t gone away yet!- look!

They look a bit uneasy,
God yes, I suppose all this must have been awful for them.
I didn’t realise what a confusing mess it must have seemed.
Perhaps you should say something.
(THE OLD MAN enters)

Oh no, no thank you. I think they’ve already heard quite enough
from me.
(THE OLD MAN enters)

Organic? What’s the delay? I thought we’d be already drinking by

Well I’d like to be.. but look!
They’re still here!

They’re still? God you’d think they’d suffered enough!
Well okay my boy you do it.

Do what?

Well look it’s obvious they want to go,
You can see it in their faces.
Just explain things clearly,
I’m sure your able.
Oh and don’t forget to thank them…
we do depend on them after all.
Come my dear, lets leave him to it.
(They exit)

(clears his throat self-consciously)
There’s nothing more to see here folks that’s that,
There’s no more of this rubbish happening here,
Go home to those who love you, feed your cat,
I’m just engaged so I’m out for a beer.
I’d like to add one thing before you head,
It won’t take long, you will be glad to know,
There is one thing that nobody has said,
That I’d like you to know before you go,
And that is:- Thank You! Danke shun-Merci!
Over the past few weeks it became clear,
How awful life without you guys can be
It’s not the same without you wasters here.
(bows and departs)

If anyone actually finishes this, please comment.All abuse welcome.

A Load of Rubbish pt5

start at the beginnin'


THE WOMAN:(lighting the stage lamps)

Ah my good wasters! Welcome back!-I say!,
I’m glad to see so many have returned.
It’s been too long, I promise you today,
The invitation torches shall be burned,
It’s been four weeks, four hard weeks I confess
It’s been four weeks with no garbagerie,
For some of you it probbly felt like less,
I tell you it felt twice as long for me.
But now at last the long wait’s at an end
And soon we’ll open as we did before.
The ceremony shall take place my friends,
For now it has transpired…: I’ll say no more.

ORGANIC! …Come out here at once! At once do you hear me!...Father!
FATHER !! get up this is an emergency! ORGANIC ! NOW!

(enters) Hello?

So there you are! Well? Are you going to deny it?
Are you going to deny that you’ve been feeding that girl for the
past three weeks!
You have haven’t you!

Well she didn’t have any of her<
You have, haven’t you? You’ve been feeding her! Betrayed under my
own roof!

Well I couldn’t let her just starve, I mean<
Why couldn’t you? Do you know what this means?
It means the food her Father brought to us,
the food that was the whole point of the deal,
has ended up in her mouth! It means we…!
we might as well, have no bargain at all
And we’ve been shelt-ring that slut for nothing!
(old man comes in)

Don’t call her that. She’s<
What’s all this shouting about?

Well I’m glad to see that you’re out of bed at last. You must
dress immediately.

Now wait a minute what’s all this about?<
You thought you’d leave the boy in charge of store.
He left them open- I just had a look.
And just as well I did, that’s all I’ll say!
Our food supplies are now dangerously low,
How did that happen? -you may ask!- Well now,
The boy’s been feeding her these past three weeks!
That deal you struck to make a gigolo
of your own grandson, what deal that was,
that great deal has left us out of pocket!
We’re out of pocket! Food is low, and we…
we have to have a new garbagerie
and that’s a fact, so please no arguments.
(he lights another stage lamp)

What is she saying son?- can this be true?

It’s not her fault, Her father gave her none.
She came to us completely unprepared,
But that must be her Fathers fault not hers,
She didn’t even know about the deal.

But I left you in charge of all the food.
You should have told us something about this.

But then you would have just sent her away.

Of course I would have, what do you think
we’re running here? some sort of<
You say we must hold garbagerie ?

Well it’s either that or opening your Grandson’s wedding present.
One loaf, one tin, some grain, that’s all we have,
Garbageries been closed for four whole weeks,
may I remind you, that was your idea
And as we did not open up at all,
We never got the bread we’re due in fines!

But I still don’t think it’s right, if people don’t have enough
for themselves.
The fact is, times are tough for everyone
It isn’t right to keep dragging them here<
Dragging them here? are you out of your mind?
Do you not see the crowd waiting out there?
Hardly any have left since we’ve been closed!
See how they all wait silently and stare.
(they look out at the audience long enough
to make them uncomfortable

A crowd?

A large crowd. They need us
and we need them so please no more snotsense and let’s start
immediately, this will be a long day!
Organic!- go prepare the masks and robes!
( as he’s going to do that ,THE WOMAN shouts after him)
If that whore is gone to eat our food,
She might as well be useful, while she’s here.
You Tell her to come out to me at once!
( Before he can call her, TOTALIA arrives and curtsies,
THE YOUNG MAN prepares the masks and robes,
There you are girl, believe me when I say,
That I will find out what’s been going on,
and why you brought no food with you, but first,
the small matter of keeping ourselves fed.
Okay girl, light the candles and then go up onto the roof and
burn the invitation flame.
( Totalia lights the candles and leaves; a strong source of flame
provides light through the rose window
and THE OLD MAN don their ceremonials, The Garbagerie music
begins, everything appears exactly as it does in the beginning.
Organic re-occupies his seat. The three sit and look all
( the gong sounds):

Garbagerie is now in session here.
(a gong sounds and WASTERS enter : First is THE BIG WASTER and THE
BIG WASTERS GIRL, he bows (only slightly) to THE OLD MAN, THE

Come here I want you…waster that you are.
(he bows stiffly before The Woman a second time)

You are a waster, tell me, what are you?

I am a waster.

You come here to the garbagerie, Why?

I brought an Item for disposal here.

Pray tell us what it is that you have brought?

I brought my what was agreed.

What another one?
My God, Your audacity knows no bounds!
At first you trick us into bed and board,
that we PROVIDE your one unworthy child,
and now you come to us with a second!
I do believe you mean to turn this Garbagerie into a brothel.
I don’t know what you think you’re playing at.
First you come here -with this outrageous deal,
That you renage on;-as regards the food.
And not content with making us all starve,
You break the law by having more than one,
As if one hungry girl was not enough.

I have only one>

Is it not enough that the Reese-pon-Sybil have saved what there is
of the world so that you and your kind can continue to consume and
to waste and to overpopulate?
Surely that is sufficient?
But no, you would have us provide for your children as well!
You came to us with the bounty of ‘your good harvest’.
Why shouldn’t you have good harvests when you swindle and cheat
everyone around you! Well my wealthy man, your swindling’s at an
end, two children is an ultimate crime, we shall have no option
but to fine you everything you own. You shall be a pauper.

I have only one<
You have only one thing to say? Well believe me we don’t want to
hear it! A man with two children is breaking the law…

I have only the one daughter madame.
The law says I am just allowed one child
I say I have only the one daughter.
and this is she, beside me here today.
We had a deal: you made a deal with me.
We had a deal from near a month ago.
You dint have no garbagerie since then.
You kept the doors locked here these past four weeks.
So tell me, tell me-what’s it gun to be?
You gonna take her or give it all back?
I know that you’re the Reese-pon-Sybil ones,
and I’m only a wasterman but still,
I nerry see how that gives you the right,
My fam’ly may have been Dell workers, true,
But that don’t make it right, a deal’s a deal.
My daughter came but you sent her away,

But What<
Now what I want to know is: will you keep
the deal that we made here a month ago?
that Dog fur Coat’s a vestment what I made,
That coat was good and warm and pretty too.
It wasn’t worn, not one time, and fishnets,
Created them with my own hands, I did.
She’s sposed to get a Reese-pon-Sybil child.
Now I know, that you coulda told me ‘no’.
But you nerry said ‘no’ you told me ‘yes’
You coulda told me ‘no’ right there and then,
And all the stuff I brought you coulda kept
and tole me ‘Get lost!’ I know protocol,
But no, you never said ‘Get lost’ did you?
His honour there, he gave you the okay,
‘We axe-ept your disposal’s’ what you said,
Well I say that- That makes the deal a deal,
But what you said you’d do -you never done.

This is your daughter here with you today?

I think I done already tole you that.

And you have only one young girl you say.

A second one id be against the law.

But what on earth then…
If she…
But my good Waster if this is indeed the case you are quite right
to feel some anger,
I can assure you that we had…
perhaps we could suspend garbagerie…
You see there seems to have been a terrible mistake and I’m<
With all respect Madame I’d rather keep
Our dealin’ out here,- in the open like,
same as before, just same as the last time.
I’ne not sane I’ne distrustful either no,
I just don’t understand what’s happ’nin’ here,
I’ne sane I’d like to keep things as they was.

But this is a most delicate matter,
unprecedented I assure you sir,
The protocols are not in place to deal
with negotiations of this nature.

I made the deal here, after all, so you,
You stand there like before an’ say it out.
What’s fair is fair, I think I’m owed that much.
you tell me why it is you broke the deal.

Very Well. Well the facts can only be that the place of your
daughter has been taken by an imposter.
A dif’rent girl, who stole from us AND you.
Yes! I recall the morning this girl came,
She came here early, and retired before,
I‘d ask’d her any questions, then when I.
I saw your daughter outside here, I thought,
“This cannot be the girl we take today,
For that girl is already here with us,”
I closed the door, and sent her on her way.
So this is why there’s bin a crowd outside!
Organic! go and bring the slut at once,
This man deserves an explanation now.

Don’t call her that name don’t, call her that name,
If a mistake was made, the fault is mine,
I thought she really was your daughter, Sir,
I still don’t understand, but I am sure
this has been an unfortunate mistake.

‘Don’t call her names’, I shouldn’t call her names?
Why shouldn’t I?-You tell me son, Why not!
If she is not a harlot and a thief,
Then you just tell me who she is, and why,
she has been living with us for a month.
Go fetch her now at once and let her make,
An explanation for her presence here.

No boy, you stay here, better I do this,

Please Madam, do I understand you straight?
Another girl came here and took the place,
That we’d arranged for my girl, is that right?

I’m not in full possession of the facts,
But yes, I fear that that might be the case.

If this true then p’r’aps I might just know,
Exactly who this imposter might be.

If that is true, then Waster, please speak up,
For I cannot guess her identity,
I thought she was your daughter this whole time.
I never questioned what else she might be.

I’m not sure I should say, for if I’m wrong,
It’s a bad name to call an innocent.

What’s a bad name? please tell us what you know,
Please, any information is of use,

Well I’ne not sane I know nothin’ for sure,
It’s just there was this beggar roundabouts,
The usual line: ‘Ine starving an I’m old’
‘I lost me daughter an I gots no food’
and ‘Wont somebody help me’ blah-blah-blah.
But I was up to all his clever tricks,
I recognised him from my last time here,
He was the one, the ‘Total Waster’ one,
What broke the total ban an came in here,
He’d plenty then, he’d Tins of food an all,
Them Total Wasters just pretend to starve,
Total starvation? Ha! with tins of food?
We beat him and run him to the caves.
But still he kep’ sane always the same thing,
‘Has any of you seen my daughter here?
I want to find my girl an’ just go home’.
Well me, -I paid no tension at the time.
‘Cause Total Wasters lie like breathing air,
But now I’ne thinking, what sort of a girl,
would try to come an’ live with you for free,
And ruin my deal an’ be so selfish, who?
If not another Total Waster, who?
So what I’ne sane is maybe it’s like this:
This one says his daughter’s run away.
an’ here you’ve got a girl who no-one owns,
So then It’s Total Wasters did this trick!
They must of had it planned from all along.

But Trick’d by Total Wasters can this be?
What nightmare has descended on my house.
I swear by all in this Garbagerie,
If this is true…. it simply cannot be.
A Total Waster! A total Waster! A TOTAL HERE!

Mother, calm down one minute, breath some air,
Remember to respect the dignity,
and protocol of this Garbagerie.
I don’t believe that anyone’s been trick’d,
Though clearly there has been a real mistake.
Father, take your position, here at once.
(to THE YOUNG MAN)Very well, I will observe the protocol.
Come here I want you…waster that you are.
(TOTALIA, confused, bows)
You are a total waster, what are you?

I am a total waster. That is true.

So you have the nerve now to admit it!

I never said I was anything else.
I’m sorry I don’t understand your point,

My point?- My point is this, you horrid girl,
We’ve found you out! your scheme is at an end,
we know that you’re not who you claim to be,
You’re not the Daughter of this gentleman,
You tricked us into giving bed and board,
You came here under False pretences and,
Despite the fact you come from Total scum,
You shamelessly slept here,- in my sons bed!
A crime so great that I cannot begin,
to think of how to punish you for it!

But what on earth is this? No this is wrong.
My family are total Wasters, Yes.
I come from advertising agents and
Oil Company executives it’s true.
But I never denied my fam’lys shame.

You didn’t? then -can you at least explain
Just how a total waster’s living here!

I’m here because of what was organised,
With my own father when he came to you.
Four weeks ago, it was my birthday and,
My Father gave me Dog food in a tin.
And deeveedee to have as a dowry,
But knowing these are both against the law,
I made him bring my birthday presents here,
Because he’s total, he was shouted at,
and told to bring a fine of Twelve new loaves.
Because we had no loaves, I came myself,
to see if I could work for you instead.
And Then your son explained to me the deal
that I would live here with you for a month.
And though it seemed outrageous to me then,
I felt I should still keep my father’s word,
If that was what he had arranged with you.
I did it, out of duty, not of choice,
and That, believe me, is the honest truth.
It’s my fault then, this whole thing, it’s my fault.
I am the one who made the big mistake,
Look, this Girl here is not the one to blame,
This whole thing is my fault, from start to end.

Of Course it’s not! It’s lies!- from start to end!
(Shouting) A total Waster walks among us here!
Mark her bad blood, and mark her scheming eyes!
(To Waster)We’ve done you a disservice, we’re to blame.
We should have shown more vigilance it seems,
I solemnly declare this girl will be
beaten to the caves where her Father starves.

My father? What? What did you say?

We offer you again, apologies,
You daughter will live with us,- as proposed,
We’ll keep the deal to which we have agreed.
Though, right now, we are limited on food.

That wont be no problem, I will provide.

I’m sorry, no!- I can’t consent to this!

As I recall, you managed once before.

That was before , and things are diff’rent now.
I’m sorry bout this deal, I really am,
But I can’t simply lie down with this girl,
The fact is I have now fallen in love.

You’ll stop being ridiculous at once!

You say her Father’s living in the caves?
I’ll go to him and ask for his consent,
If she will have me, she will be my wife,
And there is nothing you can say or do.


You’ll stop being ridiculous I said!
Lucky for you, you lack authority,
And we all have our orders to obey,
have you forgotten?- I’m your mother, Boy!
And therefore more Reese-pon-Sybil than you,
With great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty comes power,
so You are over-ruled and may not wed.
This girl is to be punished for her crime,
And sent away where she can sin no more,
That is all.

No that is not all, not by a long shot.

Look father please don’t interfere in this,
You have the most authority, it’s true
But I’m his Mother, I made this fam’ly,
I cannot let him throw away his life
on nothing but a total waster theif.

I do not have the most Authority,

Of course you do, and I respect you but<
I do not have the most Authority,

You’re really too soft-hearted Father dear,
I know you are a most compassionate man,
But this crime must be punished, that is all.

I do not have the most Authority!
In fact, I’ve no Authority at all!
(removes his mask)
I tell you I am not Responsible!
and I have never been Responsible!

Father, what are you saying, are you mad?

I’m saying that I lived on food in tins!
I’m saying I bought plastic all the time!
and frozen food, I’m sane I drove a car!
(THE WOMAN swoons into arms of BIG WASTER)
I bought some new clothes every single week,
and put perfectly good things in the bin!
I watch’d The Telly, DVD and ads,
glorious ads!
I left my heating on for days on end,
wasted electric, AND I wasted gas,
Environment? I didn’t give a damn!
petrol? use it up! there’s always more!
Microwaves, The Hot Tap, clean bed-sheets!
And colours and sounds and speed and loud noise,
Oh once upon a time the world was good!

Father, you miss bee-four-time, that is clear,
As all the people from that time still do,
And though consumer society stank,
and was not ‘C.V.-lies ay-shun’ at all,
You yearn back for the time when you were young,
Of course you do, Of course you do, you do.
And yes, perhaps it’s true, you made mistakes,
And were not always careful in your life,
But you showed more Reese-pon-syble-itty,
More Than the common wasters ever did
You were an eco-waryour , after all.
And that is why you are in charge today.


An eco-warrior? Don’t make me laugh!
Do you know what your ‘eco-war-yurs’ were?
Lazy over-educated tramps!
Do you think I would want to spend my time
with spoilt middle-class hippies wearing beans,
spending their parents’s money all the while,
and looking down their pierced noses at me?
I didn’t have the time or energy,
You want to know what I did in those days?
To pay my rent and keep my cable paid,
Well now at last I’ll tell you I SOLD CARS!
(gasps from everyone present, THE WOMAN almost faints)

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