start at the beginnin'
THE OLD MAN:
Yeah. Cars.
That’s what I sold back in the olden days!
What was my job? My job was telling LIES,
‘Very economical to run sir!’
‘These new electric cars are really green’
‘A little slice of freedom, just for you.’
That’s what I did beforetime- I told Lies!
I sold cars and my God, enjoyed it too.
THE WOMAN:
Oh Father, you are quite out of your wits.
(Declaiming)Ignore the words that you have heard today!
For truly my Father is very old.
The last of the Reese-pon-Sybil is tired,
and quite confused, and seems to lose his mind,
He was, of course, a true eco-war-your,
He plays a game with us <
THE OLD MAN:
>Enough of Lies!
I say I was NOT an eco-war-your,
I told that Lie to your Mother back when,
Your mother was a beautiful young girl,
I lost me job. When the recession came,
You Can’t sell cars to people with no cash.
They let me go, and I was on the dole,
One night I met this gorgeous hippy-chick,
I didn’t think she’d think much of the job,
She seemed really into this eco-thing,
So I did what I always did: told lies,
I Said I was an eco warrior,
I Told her I was right behind the cause,
I Told her I’d been doin it for years.
After a while, I couldn’t tell the truth,
I couldn’t risk her leavin’ me –you see.
I really loved the woman truth be told.
She died in childbirth having you and I,
I didn’t give a damn, for anything.
The day came it all stopped and nothing worked.
And then the world that I knew seemed to die,
die overnight, Just like she said it would.
And even though she’d told me many times,
when it happened, it was still a surprise.
I never knew that everything would stop.
Or anyone would make a saint of me.
So I lied to the woman that I loved.
But now I’ne gonna tell you all the truth,
Nobody saw it coming, not really,
not Hippies, Crusties, Scientists no-one.
Oh Everybody knew the theory, yes.
It wasn’t a big secret, not at all.
We knew, there’d be no oil, we knew the ice,
The ice caps were receding everyday.
But it was all so abstract at that time,
You couldn’t get your head round it at all
and if you did, you’d only get depressed,
It wasn’t like you’d have any effect,
on something so large, so out of control,
Spider man seemed more real than climate change.
Even most of your mothers Hippie friends,
T’was really just a life-style thing for them ,
It was club, that’s all it was, a club.
They didn’t really want the world to change,
They liked their own place in it way too much.
They Loved their little ‘ONLY WE CARE’ gang,
That’s why they kept membership exclusive.
And now they’re known as Reese-pon-Sybils? Ha!
As far as I’m concerned they were not then,
and are not now, Responible at all!
They have no right to claim ‘We told you so’
Their actions made no difference, so they failed.
They cannot claim responsibility.
.
As far as your concerned,-daughter of mine,
I’m not Responsible ‘cos I sold cars.
Then I am nothing, grand.-but if it’s true:.
Your mother really was the real deal,
and I am just the lowest type of fraud.
then you, are only ‘half-Responsible’.
The man you married was Responsible.
and so your son’s Responsibility,
is measured as three quarters, if I’m right.
In total, that’s seventy five percent.
Compared against your fifty, or my nought.
You see, by your rules, he’s the one in charge.
(Hands organic his mask, and offers his seat, he bows and winks)
And as the most Responsible one here,
allowed to marry who he Eff’n’likes!
THE YOUNG MAN:
Grandfather!
THE OLD MAN:
I place myself at your service my lord.(bows)
THE YOUNG MAN:
You mad old fucker! tell me is this true!(laughs )
I can’t believe you’d hide that all this time,
How die know you didn’t just make it up?
You did, didn’t you, just to help me out?
THE WOMAN:
Of course he did, that’s it, he made it up!
THE OLD MAN:
Can anybody here prove that I’m lying?
I can’t prove it, but it’s the truth, I swear.
That is the way it was boy- I was there.
THE YOUNG MAN:
Alright Grandfather, if you will insist,
Okay, If I’m in charge here,- sound the gong!
(He takes the mask and his Grandfathers seating position)
(The gong) Reset Protocol!
You are a waster, tell me, what are you?
THE BIG WASTER:
Who-What ? Oh yes, I am a waster, yes.
THE YOUNG MAN:
You come here to the Garbagerie, why?
THE BIG WASTER:
I have brung items, I, my daughter I…
THE YOUNG MAN:
No no, I mean why do you ever come?
What does the Garbagerie mean to you?
Why don’t you keep your surplus for yourself?
THE BIG WASTER:
Well I…
THE YOUNG MAN:
The truth is, you don’t have to come at all.
THE BIG WASTER:
No But<
THE YOUNG MAN:
And yet you always come, just tell me why.
THE BIG WASTER:
Well the…Mean to say, Type of thing, I mean.
The truth is, well you might put it like this,
Garbagerie, well it’s the type of thing…
It’s very useful for a man like me.
I meets the other farmers outside here,
I has a Look at whatever they brought,
I sees how well they’re doing overall.
It’s good for trading, get me? See Who’s flush,
And who is hard up- the hard up sells cheap.
Not only that, but see, I mean to say
for Wasters like us:, it’s a source of pride.
(The Garbagerie here and the Old Man),
‘Cause evvy-one knows this one is the best,
cos that old man’s the last…I mean to say.
THE YOUNG MAN:
So it’s true that, to a certain extent,
The pride and prestige of the whole province,
Rest on my Grandfathers reputation,
as the last known living Reese-pon-Sybil.
THE BIG WASTER:
Well ‘did’, or does, or all I’ne trine to say,
What he was sane there, that’s some kind of joke,
I’m sure it was, but not funny to me,
I wait four weeks with my daughter and now…
THE YOUNG MAN:
You don’t Axe-ept Grandfathers story then?
THE BIG WASTER:
I don’t! I do not sir, and that’s a fact!
THE YOUNG MAN:
I wonder could you tell me why that is?
THE BIG WASTER:
Look, I don’t know bee-four times, I don’t care,
But this Garbagerie’s the best there is,
An why? ‘Cause it’s the only one what has,
Himself, an he’s right old an he’s the best,
For Crustiness and Hippiedom and that.
I don’t see why there has to be a change,
I don’t want to start walkin’ thirty miles,
to some other Garbagerie what don’t
have nothing half as good as our old man.
And I don’t want folk laughin in me face,
An sane ‘he isn’t real’ and we was fooled.
No. Better things just stay the way they was,
Just Straight: Which brings me right back to our deal.
THE YOUNG MAN:
Okay Grandfather, you heard what he said,
Your subjects don’t enjoy our little joke.
THE OLD MAN:
I have no subjects,
only from great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty comes power as Speidmunn said
and<
THE YOUNG MAN:
The Spiderman said nothing of the sort.
It was not him but his uncle who said,
‘With great Power comes great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.’
Which is a dif’rent thing altogether.
It means you have position to uphold.
Not for your sake, or Mothers or for mine,
But for the sake of everyone there is.
Let these innocent people keep their Saint,
Take it all back , it’s cruel to confuse them.
THE OLD MAN:
But<
THE YOUNG MAN:
You lied didn’t you, about selling cars.
THE OLD MAN:
What do you mean? of course I didn’t lie!
THE YOUNG MAN:
Father, think of these people, not yourself.
(pause)
THE OLD MAN:
Okay, if you insist, then I was line.
THE WOMAN:
Well of course he was lying!
Of course he was!
And what a very mean and nasty trick to play on people,
When I think of all the…
THE YOUNG MAN:
Mother I will marry Totalia,
If she agrees, You do?>
TOTALIA:
I do,>
THE YOUNG MAN:
(to Woman)
And I am sure that you’ll give your consent.
THE WOMAN:
But son, it’s quite impossible, she is
A Total Waster, after all, and you,
You are from superior stock, and you,
You, you could never marry so below,
your station, its unheard of, it’s obscene.
THE YOUNG MAN:
The only person here who can decide,
Who people were and were not in those days,
Is somebody who was alive back then.
Isn’t that right, Grandfather,
don’t you think?
So please take back your seat and mask at once.(he does so)
Now tell us as the most Reese-pon-Sybil,
and last living eco-war-your today.
How my bride, Totalia is in fact,
Not a Total Waster because her,
Grandparents were good friends of yours and they,
Were Reese-pon-Sybil people were they not?
THE OLD MAN:
Oh Yes, that’s true, I remember them now.
All organic Farmers as I recall.
TOTALIA:
But that’s not true, They weren’t!>
THE OLD MAN:
I’m sorry for my joking earl your on.
But what I now declare, let each man hear.
This girl is from most Reese-pon-Sybil stock,
and will marry my Grandson, that is all.
And that is quite enough for just one day.(Declaiming)
Disposal will resume again at dawn.
Till then you must recycle what you can.
The Garbagerie ends. Do not Disturb!
( Gong sounds, everyone not Reese-pon-Sybil leaves except THE BIG
WASTER and his daughter)
( Woman takes off her Mask)
THE WOMAN:
Okay son, what the hell is going on here?
( Grandfather takes off his mask)
THE OLD MAN:
You think we’ll get away with this?>
THE YOUNG MAN:
Now you talk like a Car-Salesman my lad.
THE BIG WASTER:
Here Scuse me! Mere one second, scuse me, hoy!
THE YOUNG MAN:
Which brings us back to the topic of lies
THE BIG WASTER:
Here What about my girl! We had a deal!
THE YOUNG MAN:
There was a deal made yes, a month ago.
A month ago your trick might well have worked!
THE BIG WASTER:
Here now, what’s this? what’s this? what are you sane?
THE YOUNG MAN:
I’m saying that she’s already with child.
The girls’ already Pregnant is she not?
(pause… The girl bursts into tears)
THE YOUNG MAN:
Well isn’t she?
THE BIG WASTER:
Slightly.
THE YOUNG MAN:
Slightly?
THE WOMAN:
Enough! All right, my nerves are at an end!
There really has been too much for one day,
Silence Girl! stop whimpering! Shutup!
That’s better, never in my life has there,
been so much awful scandal in one day.
Just let me think, for all this must be solved.
(To THE BIG WASTER)
Firstly, my son is quite soon to be wed,
to a girl from a Reese-pon-Sybil Fam’ly.
Any Liason with your daughter, is,
quite out of the question at this stage,
and pointless too, I think you will agree.
(she starts to whimper again)
But If she were to marry, you could pay,
for The wedding and for the dowry too,
THE BIG WASTER:
Well sure, I could pay: that’s no problem but,
whose gonna wanna marry her like this?
one woman, one child, that’s the law today.
You cant unload a heifer that’s in calf!
She’s up the pole, an evvy-onnell know.
THE WOMAN:
You are a Farmer of some property?
THE BIG WASTER:
My property’s pure large, my livestock too,
It’s not much use if my girl is disgraced.
THE WOMAN:
You’ll make an advance on the weddings cost?
THE YOUNG MAN:
I told you I will not marry this Girl!
THE WOMAN:
Of course not, and why should you, when you are,
in love with this Reese-pon-Sybil Girl here.
Whose Fam’ly , my own Father will vouch for.
However, as you know,’ Waste is a Sin’.
So if we use Reese-pon-Sybil-itty,
In this matter, economy dictates,
that we combine the cost of both Weddings.
TOTALIA/THE YOUNG MAN/THE BIG WASTER(together):
Both weddings?
THE WOMAN:
There now, that stopped you crying! rightly so!
You shall be the envy of many brides,
For you are to be wed to a fine man,
Although no longer young, this man is still,
An Eco-war-your, unequalled in name,
or status, Crustiness or hippiedom.
THE OLD MAN:
But really my daughter,
THE WOMAN:
Oh stop pretending that you’re not delighted with the prospect you
horny old goat!
THE BIG WASTER:
A double weddin! I like this deal.
THE WOMAN:
Or Treble…maybe.
THE YOUNG MAN/TOTALIA/THE BIG WASTER/
THE OLD MAN:(TOGETHER)
Treble?
THE WOMAN:
I know its arrogant to just assume,
( She takes THE BIG WASTER by the hand)
But I have had a problem for some time,
I have my Father and my son, it’s true,
But there are other things a woman needs,
besides companionship, you understand.
And as my social station is so high,
Those Suitable to me are very few,
Imagine my delight when I found out,
The shrewdest and the sharpest dressed and yes,
the wealthiest farmer for miles around,
Was in fact descended from>
THE BIG WASTER:
> Dell workers, like I said.
THE WOMAN:
Oh Yes they worked the Dell that’s of course true,
But unbeknownst to any but a few,
They were in the Green Party were they not?
Isn’t that right Father?
THE OLD MAN:
What? Oh this again? Oh yes! I remember them very well, yes er…
What were their names?
THE BIG WASTER:
Hazel Browne and Eileen Toomey,
THE OLD MAN:
Hazel and Eileen Yes, both very commited, Very commited.
THE WOMAN:
( To Organic) Well if it’s good enough for you!
( To Waster) What’dyou think? Deal?
THE BIG WASTER:
(He Laughs) Deal.
THE WOMAN:
You’ll find that I prefer to make decisions
But can occaisionaly see the benefits in compromising,
You should also know that I have already had a child
and am now past child-bearing age,
So therefore there is nothing illegal about us
trying to have children,
As often as possible.
You will retain your farms and stock,
I will continue to maintain the Garbagerie,
Any Questions?
(In Love and Admiration and Glee)
THE BIG WASTER:
No Ma’m
THE WOMAN:
Right then, you can hand me your Purse, my love.
(He does so, She looks in it,. smiles, snaps it shut)
A treble wedding’s going to take some brains
to organise, and advertise and plan,
Like anything that takes some brains to do,
The presence of Men is Superfluous,
So why don’t you all leave us here at once,
Go to the caves and find this Girls father,
and Let him know he’s now Reese-pon-Sybil,
Whether he likes it or not, I don’t care.
Perhaps bring him the wine, he’ll need it yes!
(She starts pushing out the Men)
And afterwards why don’t you all get drunk,
Play cards, or fart, whatever things Men do
Just keep away as long as possible.
We cant be bothered looking after you.
Come my Girls! We’ve a wedding to Prepare!
Totalia, take her, and fetch the tin!
(The girls leave her alone on stage ,she shows wistful, girlish
excitement)
Perhaps the world has always been this way
This ‘load of Rubbish’ we call pride and shame,
Are just two other masks we hide behind.
The more things change the more they stay the same.
Oh but can you believe it?
TINNED FOOD!
(She stands grinning for a while…-this should feel like a missed
cue- her smile melts)
ORGANIC?
(He returns)
THE YOUNG MAN
Yes?
THE WOMAN:
(loud whisper)They’re still here!
THE YOUNG MAN
Sorry what?
THE WOMAN:
They haven’t gone away yet!- look!
THE YOUNG MAN:
They look a bit uneasy,
God yes, I suppose all this must have been awful for them.
I didn’t realise what a confusing mess it must have seemed.
Perhaps you should say something.
(THE OLD MAN enters)
THE WOMAN:
Oh no, no thank you. I think they’ve already heard quite enough
from me.
(THE OLD MAN enters)
THE OLD MAN
Organic? What’s the delay? I thought we’d be already drinking by
now….
THE YOUNG MAN:
Well I’d like to be.. but look!
They’re still here!
THE OLD MAN
They’re still? God you’d think they’d suffered enough!
Well okay my boy you do it.
THE YOUNG MAN:
Do what?
THE OLD MAN:
Well look it’s obvious they want to go,
You can see it in their faces.
Just explain things clearly,
I’m sure your able.
Oh and don’t forget to thank them…
we do depend on them after all.
Come my dear, lets leave him to it.
(They exit)
THE YOUNG MAN:
(clears his throat self-consciously)
There’s nothing more to see here folks that’s that,
There’s no more of this rubbish happening here,
Go home to those who love you, feed your cat,
I’m just engaged so I’m out for a beer.
I’d like to add one thing before you head,
It won’t take long, you will be glad to know,
There is one thing that nobody has said,
That I’d like you to know before you go,
And that is:- Thank You! Danke shun-Merci!
Over the past few weeks it became clear,
How awful life without you guys can be
It’s not the same without you wasters here.
(bows and departs)
END
If anyone actually finishes this, please comment.All abuse welcome.
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