The continuing online publication of 'A Load of Rubbish' a type of skit on: Restoration era theatre, PostApocalyptic Sci-Fi and environmental piety.
start at the beginnin'
THE YOUNG MAN:
Food in a tin!
THE OLD MAN:
That’s right.
THE WOMAN:
Oh I haven’t had food in a tin since I was a little
Girl!
THE YOUNG MAN:
I’m never had food from a tin, What’s it like Grandad?
THE OLD MAN:
I’m not sure I remember…
THE WOMAN:
It’s exquisite! It’s absolutely exquisite!
Oh We shall keep this for your wedding day!
THE YOUNG MAN:
And from a total Waster! I always thought
they had nothing, I mean total
Wasters are…< .
THE WOMAN:
>the poorest of the poor , Yes; all those
stories about Total starvation.…
Well this goes to show that they’re not
as poor as they make out.
Food-From-a-Tin! and paper!
What a day this has been; our fortunes
are looking up!
Here try this dog-fur coat!(he puts it on)
Oh what a fine young man you are! Oh-if
only there was someone you could
marry. You need a nice girl from a
Reese-pon-Sybil family, Oh but there
isn’t a Reese-pon-Sybil family with a
daughter for a hundred miles!
THE YOUNG MAN:
Granda what arrangement, I mean what did
you<
THE WOMAN:
Yes!> Why on earth did you agree to that
Mans’ scheme he’s already so wealthy
He forgets himself.
Now he plans to bring his daughter here.
for a whole month! Copulating with
the lower classes, it’s absolutely
animalistic!
I simply will not Tolerate<
THE YOUNG MAN:
Now look, I really think that I should have a
This disgraceful scheme, To even think of that man boasting to
all about his Reese-pon-Sybil grandchild,< It’s simply unheard of! Why I<
THE OLD MAN:
>Oh shut up and calm down the pair of you!>
Now listen, Just listen, Whatever happens, a child- if there is
one- shall be only ever really be half-Reese-pon-Sybil and
(addressing the Woman) no threat to your position. And (addressing
the Young Man) if it so happens that you don’t like her (He takes
out the Viagra and looks at it, smiles and pockets it again)
Well you don’t have to worry about it, I have a plan.
THE WOMAN:
Well you can understand the man’s ambition but…
Honestly Father it’s just so, so unusual!
THE OLD MAN:
Of Course it is!, there’s nothing wrong with unusual
y’know. It’s a sign of
somebody doing the right thing.
THE WOMAN:
Really!
THE OLD MAN:
Yes Really! All of the Responsibles, our
family, The Sandford family,
The Toweller family, even the Hofflers. Every
Responsible Family in the
province are descended from people that were unusual
at the time. Crusties
, Hippies and New Agers they were then.
THE WOMAN:
But Crustiness is a high honour, as is Hippiedom.
THE OLD MAN:
It is NOW, I tell you back then it meant the same as a
Total Waster.
THE YOUNG MAN:
Is that true?
THE WOMAN:
Of course it’s not, it can’t be.
THE OLD MAN:
I was there.
THE WOMAN:
Look I’ve heard all this before Father and I refuse to
believe it.
I know that wasters ran the world once,
And I’m sure that they feared and hated the
Reese-pon-Sybil, [who after all
were so right, when they were so wrong]
But you cannot deny that the Reese-pon-Sybil would have always had
Moral superiority.
Moral superiority shines out.
You can tell a Reese-pon-Sybil Family a mile away.
It’s in the way they walk, it’s in their eyes.
Natural authority radiates.
Accomplishment, a certain sense,a certain air …
THE OLD MAN:
An air of ‘I told you so’
THE WOMAN:
(pause) Precisely. And you did tell them so,
you did, and so did Mother.
(pause)
THE YOUNG MAN:
Well look, I’m sure all that stuff is great, but you
can’t treat me like this.
You can’t just farm me out to some girl I’ve never heard
of and<
THE OLD MAN:
Look if you don’t like her, don’t worry, I told you, I
have a plan.
THE YOUNG MAN:
But I don’t understand..
THE OLD MAN:
You don’t have to.
THE YOUNG MAN:
The great Wonder said; “If you believe in things thatcha
don’t on the stand,
then you suffer her;
…Superstition ate away”
THE OLD MAN:
You read too much.
THE WOMAN :
I’ve no idea what you’re thinking father,
No matter how much wealth that waster farmer seems to have
Amassed, we shouldn’t let him hold us to ransom like
this.
You seem determined to bring shame to this house,
Anyone would think you don’t want to be Reese-pon-Sybil,
(he glares at her)
(Pause.,She starts sorting through the disposables)Childrens Toys!
THE OLD MAN:
Well… You can keep them as a parting gift for our
visiting Wastergirl.
THE WOMAN:
And another bloody Glass bottle!
We must already have thousands!
THE OLD MAN:
Speaking of bottles, why don’t you go get me a full
one and hand me that pie…
( She EXITS with most if the Disposables, leaving the
pie and the DVD, THE YOUNG MAN sets about
distinguishing the Ceremonial lighting.
The DVD, the pie, and the Food tin are kept by the Old
man. He kisses the tin, The WOMAN returns and takes it
from him, and gives him a bottle
of milky looking beer, she leaves. Slowly, the old man
begins to weep.)
THE YOUNG MAN:
Grandad, are you alright?
THE OLD MAN:
Yes, Yes I’m fine… I was just thinking
about that tin… we’re rich aren’t we?
THE YOUNG MAN:
Well, after today, I’d say we were doing alright.
THE OLD MAN:
Doing alright? Doing alright ?
Everyone is starving. Everybody is grubbing along from
one famine to another and look at us! We dine on pigeon
pie! We have full bellies every night and we
don’t have to work! We have the Garbagerie!
We’re stinking rich!
THE YOUNG MAN
Your sad that we’re rich?
THE OLD MAN:
I’m sad because the richest family in the province
can’t believe their luck
when someone brings them dogfood.
There used to be a civilisation.
There used to be people wearing new clothes.
There used to be people smiling, having fun.
But now it just gets worse and worse each year,
THE YOUNG MAN:
But isn’t that it? the way things used to be was wrong.
I mean isn’t that what everybody says?
That people weren’t smiling, that people weren’t having
fun.
Not really.
That people were just angry and stupid.
Correct me if I’m wrong- I wasn’t there.
I read a lot about the bee-four-times.
Books say ‘C.V.-lies ay-shun’ was just Ads,
Ads to interrupt free flow of thought,
advertising things you didn’t need.
things that probbly then you’d throw away,
How can you miss this time?
I know that then there was much more to eat,
That things would grow, and there was icey caps,
The world was beautiful: old people say.
And You miss that, I under-stand, of course.
But the ‘C.V.-lies ay-shun’ didn’t work.
You and grandmother both rejected it,
You did the right thing, you must know it now.
A life of: ‘ Work and buy, pollute and die’,
It’s not society, it’s a cancer.
A Cancer that ate ev’rything you had.
THE OLD MAN:
Well thank you for the Hist’ry lesson boy.
THE YOUNG MAN:
Well then, is that the truth or do I lie?
You were alive then, so tell me the truth.
Is that it? or does Hist’ry have it wrong?
THE OLD MAN:
No your History books aren’t wrong and you don’t have it
wrong exactly, Not exactly, it’s just that, well you
don’t have it completely right either. It wasn’t a
Responsible…people weren’t… I don’t know…
so many rules now and your mother…
sure people might as well be living in Nazi Germany!
THE YOUNG MAN:
Where?
THE OLD MAN:
Never mind, something from my History lessons.
But you are right at least about something.
To live like parasites on fellow men,
is no type of ‘Civilisation’ at all.
(THE WOMAN re-enters with a notepad)
THE WOMAN :
Well what a day this has been,
Right well, I think with today’s takings combined with the rest of
the Garbageries held this week we are in a comfortable condition,
A very comfortable condition indeed. When the fines are paid we’ll
have another nine loaves, and today we’ll eat pie, then when we
sell the nets<
THE YOUNG MAN:
Nine loaves? What about the other twelve?
THE WOMAN:
What twelve?
THE YOUNG MAN:
The twelve you fined the total Waster!
THE WOMAN:
Don’t be ridiculous, we’ll never see them. I only gave
them that fine to make sure of it. We don’t want him coming back.
I’m making sure they keep the total ban.
They’ll run away: cos that’s what totals do.
Twelve loaves? Where would a total get twelve loaves?
–Everyone knows they’re starving! Now, let’s see…
tomorrow should be a good day too, but the harvests will end soon
and we should expect a little less after that.
Okay,
if we go mornings as well as afternoons and evenings, we’ll be
able to hold nine garbageries over the next three days, which
of course means blacking out the windows and more incense, and
that means we have work to do so<
THE OLD MAN:
I’m not doing it!
THE WOMAN:
Oh Father, don’t be being difficult now please,
the more Garbageries we stage for them:
the more they want to give. They have such guilt.
It’s just three mornings really; do you mind?
- I mean you just sit there!
nobody likes been stared at for hours at a time
Even with the masks on
THE OLD MAN:
> That’s all we do.
THE WOMAN:
Father?
THE OLD MAN:
We all just sit here, absorbing the guilt.
They do the work and then they come to us.
They strive and then they starve to keep us fed.
We are the parasites in this world now.
We have enough, is that not what you said?
Okay then lets cut these people some slack.
No Garbageries, let them eat their food.
No Garbageries for a month at least.
THE WOMAN:
You stubborn, childish, selfish, mean Old Man!
We are reese-pon-sybil, we are alone.
Are you aware that there is not one girl
fully Reese-pon-sybil for thirty miles?
THE OLD MAN:
And?
THE WOMAN:
Do you expect your Grandson to be a bachelor forever?
If he is ever to find a good wife,
We’ll need to search this country high and low
And you know father what that really means,
It means visits, long distances, expense.
Oh how can you be so such a selfish man?
It’s not enough that I live here alone,
Without a husband, looking after you,
But you would keep your Grandson here as well.
Of course we need much more than wasters do,
Our cost of living’s much greater than theirs.
THE OLD MAN:
Don’t gimme all that guff bout been alone,
I am alone too -ever think of that?
It’s not my fault that you were widowed young,
I told you that sick husband of yours wouldn’t last two winters,
But you had to marry ‘responsibly’ at all costs.
If you truly crave companionship, a young woman comes to live with
us tomorrow,
Who I’m sure will be grateful for any kindness you show …
THE WOMAN :
So you consider a Wasters’ Trollope a suitable companion for this
family? Is that fair to us, is it fair to her even?
Well this is the end! This is the absolute end! I try and I try
and then you stand there and …What gives you the right
THE OLD MAN:
You give me the right my dear. I’m Reese-pon-Sybil, or have you
forgotten?
I’m the oldest here and I am the most Responsible here. “With
great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty comes great power” and so says
Speidmunn who was by all accounts both friendly and neighbourhood.
I outrank you in both Crustiness and Hippiedom,
and I am your Father and you will do exactly as I say!
(she tries to stare him down)
THE WOMAN:
I only think of this family, that’s all I think of, my family.
Why, I don’t know, there’s no appreciation, never, there never has
been.
When I think of how I’m all alone,
When I think of all the work I’ve done for you, for you both
and of course disrespect is my only reward.
Well I should have known better. Well go ahead,
cancel the Garbageries, why don’t we starve altogether just like
when I was<
THE OLD MAN:
This is not a debate!
I have decided not to starve these people if I can help it.
This boy does not need marriage right away,
You said that we have food to last a month,
He’ll manage four more weeks without a wife.
Meantime, I’m leaving him in charge of stores.
I don’t like the way you’ve been doing things,
Your getting avaricious daughter dear,
(She stamps her feet in impotent rage and storms out)
THE YOUNG MAN:
A month is a long time,and I’ve never managed the stores
before, what if we end up being properly hungry?
THE OLD MAN:
We wont be more hungry than anyone else around here.
I’ll say it again, Nine times out of ten,
Doing the right thing often makes you poor.
I wish that I could make you understand,
that right or wrong, is not how we are born,
But what we do ourselves that really counts.
Your Mother doesn’t get that but it’s true.
Everything is black and white to her,
But life is more complicated than that.
Like when you talk about the bee-four-time,
You’re right, but you are also so so wrong,
There’s a reason I put you in charge of stores...
(he looks around warily)
some-one brought come-pewter in last week.
For disposal, do you remember it?
A laptop?
THE YOUNG MAN:
no good laptop pewter made of plastic.
But Feck’n’Plastic’s made from awkward’s height
THE OLD MAN:
Was it destroyed?
THE YOUNG MAN:
No it wasn’t
THE OLD MAN:
And why not?
THE YOUNG MAN:
It was plastic and made from awkward’s height,
But it still has a power- What did mum say?
A power in the tree and in the tree,
The tree had something to do with the bats
I can’t remember now-it made no sense.
THE OLD MAN:
She said there is power in the Bat Tree.
THE YOUNG MAN:
Power in the Bat Tree, that’s what she said.
And That’s why we did not know what to do
Laptop is pewter and ‘pewters: bad m’kay?’
But then again , we say ‘waste is a sin’.
energy was in the bat tree, I think.
THE OLD MAN:
And even though pewters are forbidden,
it wasn’t destroyed? It’s still in the store?
Isn’t it?
THE YOUNG MAN:
Yes.
THE OLD MAN:
Right, (looks around) What is DVD?
THE YOUNG MAN:
A deeveedee is plastic awkward’s height.
you cant recycle deeveedees at all.
THE OLD MAN:
What else?
THE YOUNG MAN:
Stories, some people say inside-stories,
Badness Hollywood Bollywood stories,
Distractions, distractions, watched by wasters,
Helped people forget about the real world.
About the issues. Like… ‘the Telly’.
Part of the problem, not the solution.
THE OLD MAN:
What if I told you that your grandmother had quite a
Dvd collection?
THE YOUNG MAN:
But my grandmother was Reese-pon-Sybil.
THE OLD MAN:
Yes, she was, she was indeed, my boy, she…
If anyone had true Responsibility
She…
She had DVDs, and used leck-trissity to watch them.
National Geographic, David Attenborough
Stories about the world.
Stories that told the true magic of life.
It wasn’t just wasters who watched’em boy
Listen, The point i'm trine to make is this;
" A DVD is plastic awkward shite.
you cant recycle DVDs at all.
'Cause plastic’s a blah blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah,"
All that is true, but let me tell you now,
A DVD could also be a book,
And tell you things, you otherwise wont know.
a DVD needs leck-trick, that is true.
And Watching DVD breaks sacred law,
But aren't you curious about the truth?
(He reveals the DVD)
THE YOUNG MAN:
(admonishing) Grandfather!
THE OLD MAN:
read it.
THE YOUNG MAN:
But Grandfather...
THE OLD MAN:
Just read it.
THE YOUNG MAN:
(reading) Spider....Man
THE OLD MAN:(raises eyebrows)
THE YOUNG MAN:
Spider....Man.....
Spider....Man It's just snotsense, A spider isn't a
man.
It's deeveedee, it's empty, it's Hollywood.
It's plastic.
" A Deeveedee is plastic awkward ‘s height.
you cant recycle deeveedees at all."
Spider....Man.....
Spider....Man
THE OLD MAN:(smiles)
THE YOUNG MAN:
Speidmunn? Is this a story of Speidmunn the ancient?
“Neighbourhood as well as friendly?”
“With great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty comes Great Power!”
This has something to do with him doesn't it!
THE OLD MAN:
Something, Yes.
THE YOUNG MAN:
And he wears a mask....As WE do in the Garbagerie,
Is Spiderman ancient Speidmunn, the teacher?
Was he the very first Reese-pon-Sybil?
What is the inside-story in this disc?
THE OLD MAN:
‘All our entertainment must be live’
are you tempted to break the sacred law?
THE YOUNG MAN:
No.
THE OLD MAN:
As soon as you open the laptop’s lid,
The big round button turns the laptop on.
The DVD disc slides into the side.
You move the little white arrow that flies,
And hold it over ‘DVD player’
And Then, you press the button called ’return’.
THE YOUNG MAN:
I’ll do nothing of the sort!
deeveedee is plastic awkward ‘s height and
‘All our entertainment must be live’
I don’t know what it is you’re thinking grandfather,
This deeveedee must be destroyed at once.
THE OLD MAN:
(sighs)As you feel you must.
THE YOUNG MAN:
What is it with you and this deeveedee?
Is this because you miss the bee-four-time?
all the old people miss the bee-four-time.
I must admit I can’t imagine why,
If this is something you feel you must do,
I promise not to tell about your crime,
You were an eco war-your after all,
The most Reese-pon-Sybil for miles and miles.
if you must break the law it’s your affair,
But please don’t drag me into it as well.
THE OLD MAN:
‘All our entertainment must be live’
is a good law that keeps musicians fed,
and people happier than they would be,
back in the days of karaoke clubs.
It’s also true that old people like me,
Need no reminders of the world we miss,
To come-pear with the squalor we have now.
For those like me, the law is only kind.
Maybe your right, and deeveedee is bad.
(picks up the skull)
I don’t know, but if you do seek the truth,
As your Grandmother, bless her, always did,
no matter how unpleasant it might be…
(puts it back)Well look, it’s up to you, I’m going to bed.
You ask so many questions, I just thought.
You’d find at least some of your answers here,
I should have guessed, you’d be like all the rest,
Of course, your far happier not to know.
THE YOUNG MAN:
Goodnight Grandfather.
The Total Waster and his daughter Totalia are ’outside’ the
Garbagerie. Inside or somehow out of their view, sits the Young
Man ‘Organic’ watching the screen of a laptop computer. In an
ideal world this would be the only electronic lighting effect in
the whole play. The Laptop should remain silent during the
dialogue between Totalia and her Father, but the sound may rise
after the end of their argument. It should be the End credits of
‘Spiderman the movie’, or at least the same piece of music.
THE TOTAL WASTER:
Fucking Hippies, bunch of bloody thieves!
That deeveedee, the paper, everything!
Now I can say that I’ve enjoy’d first hand,
The Gratitude of the Reese-pon-Sybil,
I did ‘the right thing’ – gave them all I had,
and then they fined me for bringing them gifts!
TOTALIA:
Hippiedom’s a source of great honour,Father.
Deeveedees and tinned food are forbidden.
Evr’ything we had was against the law!
THE TOTAL WASTER:
For years and years I’ve kept that tin of food,
Even when we had the total starvation.
On the black market, tinned food is like gold.
But you insisted I give it away,
And now we have been fined, all thanks to you!
TOTALIA:
I’m sure when we explain they’ll understand.
THE TOTAL WASTER:
That’s proof that you know nothing of this world.
You’ll Tell them ‘Sorry, we cant pay the fine’,
And they’ll demand an even higher price.
TOTALIA:
We’ll always be in debt to those who were,
Reese-pon-Sybil enough to save the world,
THE TOTAL WASTER:
If we have nothing, and they have plenty
Why should we feed’em and then starve ourselves?
TOTALIA:
We owe the Reese-pon-Sybil more than food!
We owe to them; we owe them for, the world.
The world , from pole to pole and sea to sea,
THE TOTAL WASTER:
Reese-pon-Sybils are saints, that’s what you think,
But you don’t realise that they don’t care.
That all they’ll do is shout and call you names,
I told you at the start, they hate us here.
TOTALIA:
I’ll just explain that we can’t pay the fine,
We need more time that’s all, they’ll understand.
Or maybe I could work for them until,
The fine of twelve loaves is considered paid.
THE TOTAL WASTER:
If you say ‘we can’t pay’ they’ll ask for more,
And nothing you can do will be too much,
And still they’ll hate you, whatever you do.
TOTALIA:
How will people ever respect us then,
if we cannot behave rees-pon-sibly.
THE TOTAL WASTER:
I’ve tried to tell you time and time again.
There’s only one way to open your eyes:
You want to learn this lesson, go ahead.
Experience Reese-pon-Sybil-itty,
Learn it first hand, the most instructive way,
You go ahead and bow to them, go do!
Just try, and see what they demand of you.
Find out yourself what Reese-pon-sybil means.
And how they treat their fellow human-beans!
(he exits)
The music rises on the Lap top computer. Totalia approaches
Organic, tentatively with lamp.
TOTALIA:
What on earth is this strange sound?-Hi, Hello!
(He closes it quickly, hopefully becoming plunged in darkness)
THE YOUNG MAN:
Garbagerie is closed! Do-not-disturb!
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