Maltese Falcon part two

part two of 'The Maltese Falcon may be already taken'

ONE:
So you think it’s up its own arse?

THREE:
Some of it, It could be said, It could definitely come across that way alright.

FIVE:
I mean I do get what you’ve done and I do like it. With the way you did it I mean, it is clever.

ONE:
It’s kind of clever.

THREE:
Kind of.

FIVE:
But it’s nowhere as clever as it thinks it is.

ONE:
It isn’t

FIVE:
And that’s just not… What’s gonna happen is that you’re goin’ to just turn people off.

.TWO:
And there’s no sign of Hitler.

.FOUR:
What?

.TWO:
You have that small bit about Hitler in the beginning, But I’m after looking through the first ten pages

FIVE:
It might be an idea to abandon Hitler altogether.

.FOUR:
Abandon him?

FIVE:
Hitler and Leonardo da Vinci,- y’know.- it sounds like you want to say somethin’ about Art.

.FOUR:
I do want to say something about Art.

FIVE:
Well Okay but Art… Art’s not dramatic. If it was then performance art would be worth seein and it’s not- Look anyway, like-I-said, this is only after the first few pages but frankly it feels…It feels almost as if you’ve painted yourself into a corner with this set up and you only have guff from now on.

.FOUR:
So what are you sayin’ it needs?

FIVE:
It needs a plot.

.FOUR:
Well maybe it has a plot but we kind of. I mean I wanted to get the setting…

FIVE:
It needs a plot. Clearly defined characters. Some sort of conflict resolution. I dunno, jokes, romance, insight. Something about the human condition.

.FOUR:
You’re not asking for much.

FIVE:
Plenty of plays have all of these. Most have enough to keep… Look I’m not saying ‘throw it away’. Work on it. It needs to go somewhere. And what-am-I-sayin’ maybe it will. but this is my reaction to the first ten pages or so…Nothing that is only about itself is interesting. Same as people who are only about themselves are boring people. A theatre audience are stuck. They can’t change the channel so. I dunno, maybe if the rest of it picks up they’ll forgive you, But if you bore them for an hour, say twenty four people only, one hour. That’s a day. A whole day of life stolen. And if you wrote the play then you’re the one who stole it.

(pause)

Okay I probbly said too much,-will we start?

.FOUR:
What?

FIVE:
The run-through.

.FOUR:
No I don’t really feel like it.

ONE:
Ah c’mon.

.FOUR:
No you’re right. Forget about it. More wine? I’m gonna get more wine.(leaves)

.TWO:
Ah lads

ONE:
Fuck it.

FIVE:
That was me wasn’t it?

ONE:
Well…

THREE:
. No. Well no. We were all thinkin’ it. You made some good points.

FIVE:
I know but I didn’t mean…

THREE:
It was only criticism.

FIVE:
It was

.TWO:
I would’ve given it a bash. With the accent and all, Only I couldn’t find Hitler. and Leonardo’s only on the last page

(four returns with a screw-top)

four:
Okay let’s get hammered.

ONE:
Do you really not want to do it now?

.TWO:
I d’mind.-I’ll give it a bash.

THREE:
Will we just do it?

ONE:
D’you really not want – Ah lads we’re all here.

FIVE:
Look I didn’t say we shouldn’t do it.

.FOUR:
No you didn’t.

FIVE:
I didn’t.

.FOUR:
Yeah I know you didn’t. That’s what I’m sayin’

(pause,four rises) I’ll get more wine*.

SIMULTANEOUSLY

* .TWO: You never opened the bottle you brought in.* *FIVE: Look, you need to relax. _-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

THREE: Will we just do it?* *ONE: cool your jets .

NORMAL

.FOUR:
Look I’m really quite… I know exactly what you’re…Please, I don’t want this to be a ‘thing.’

ONE:
Nobody has any problem reading it.

.FOUR:
No. And that’s really nice but…

THREE:
will we just do it?

.FOUR:
Please. Now I know we’re all here. Look, I’m distracted, I know I’m distracted but that’s because I have an awful lot to think…It’s not the same as being upset. Now, I know I asked you all here for a reason and now it’s… really there was two… It would be nice to time it but really I just wanted (to five) your… And what you said… It was good, it was good and it was on the money and I’m glad you said it. And that’s the reason I asked you because I knew you’d be honest.

ONE:
Well look, if you just want to time…

.FOUR:
No honestly, if it’s not working yet then there’s no point in timing it.

.TWO:
We could still give it a bash.

THREE:
How long are we here? Sure it’s only…What time is it?

(five gives the actual time)

THREE:
There it’s only (actual time). So we can still…

.FOUR:
Honestly guys it’s nice of you but… no reading tonight. It just. Honestly with the play as it is now…It just wouldn’t be…

ONE:
Well alright but I was just honestly curious about the way it turns out.

.FOUR:
Howjamean?

ONE:

Well look okay (to five) What you said. I mean perfectly valid. All of it. I mean I agree, in a sense, because it’s like ‘God! we get it!’ where can you go from here?

.FOUR:
Right.

ONE:
But I’m genuinely curious because….where can you go from here?

THREE:
I agree, I mean it’s like his says- You paint yourself into a corner with the whole set-up. But in a way, I mean if you could salvage it, that could be like impressive, like to watch, because y’know- like Houdini.

FIVE:
That’s a fair point.

(pause)
.FOUR:
Yeah.

FIVE:
I mean it’s an interesting idea.

.FOUR:
Yeah.

FIVE:
And there’s other things.

.FOUR:
Yeah.

FIVE:
And I don’t really agree with this, because, well, you know we’ve talked about this before and I’m a purist, but you’d be amazed. I mean things develop…Like what I said about the characters and nameless, well I dunno, maybe you could play with that.

.FOUR:
Right.

FIVE:
Like what I mean, if they’re like…keep them nameless, and kind of make that the thing…Or like it could be men it could be women, one could be tall or small or black or gay or I dunno… Whatever your actors ‘project’ all that’s gonna change the way people see it, and y’know, what they think you’re tryin’ to say…But by writing it ‘open’, Like you could write it like all your actors could switch parts every night and it wouldn’t matter…

.FOUR:
But how would people know?

FIVE:
What?

.FOUR:
How would people know the actors were switching places every night? –I mean, you’d have to see it two nights in a row to get the benefit.

FIVE:
In a play like this you could nearly tell them. And here’s where we get…Like in a way you’d be pointing out the audiences own prejudice so even though they all read like …

THREE:
I dunno.

.TWO:
Will I open this?

THREE:
I dunno, I mean if you were…

.FOUR:
Go on fill her up- anyone else?

THREE:
Like you could….Like if you were to do that like…

FIVE:
I’ll have a glass.

THREE:
I don’t know if you’d have to tell… Like the word would get around, and the program.

FIVE:
Yeah in the program.

THREE:
The program.

FIVE:
The programme and interviews.

.FOUR:
I dunno is that not a bit,

ONE:
scuse me guys I’m just gonna send one text.

THREE:
I getcha.

.FOUR:
D’you get me?

THREE:
I getcha, I get exactly what your sayin’ kind of…

.FOUR:
You know what I mean?

THREE:
Like kind of a gimmick.

.FOUR:
Yeah.

THREE:
You could even… you could say it but not really do it. Like suggest it.

.FOUR:
But really doing it.

ONE:
Fucking predictive text.

THREE:
Not really doing it no: I mean, I can’t see it happenin’

.FOUR:
You have to admit, it’d be instructive. – wow, it’d nearly be worth doing for the sake of it. Any play. It’d really cut through the shit.

FIVE:
Instructive.

.FOUR:
Yeah.

FIVE:
I think the last thing an audience want is to be instructed.

.FOUR:
I’m not talking about the audience, I’m talkin’ about the people that don’t know what’s goin on. I’m talkin’ about the actors.

FIVE:
As an exercise?

.FOUR:
Yeah well-I-mean, all that, I mean say nowadays you might have one actor, I dunno, hats and wigs and costume changes and ’Isn’t he versatile’ But usually there’s still y’know, ‘main’ parts and main parts and people go off and explore the character and debate about the psychology- When what they really should be doing is learning their fuckin’ lines.

FIVE:
You don’t think any of that’s valid.

.FOUR:
It’s only valid so long as. No it’s not valid. Likefather Ted says ‘Say the fuckin words!’ Well no. ‘Play the fuckin note!’ But you get what I mean.

ONE: How are they supposed to get all the lines right by playing all the parts? How would you remember who you’re sposed to be? Do you not, Do you not have a ‘division of labour’? Isn’t that
not for a reason? Like share the work and then you have time to really learn, properly learn your own stuff.

.FOUR:
no.

ONE:
No?

.FOUR:
Well yes obviously but. Doing it this way, would be very instructive.

FIVE:
You said.

.FOUR:
No listen, when people only know their own lines, sometimes after a while they drop one here and there. Doesn’t matter normally because the sense of the thing, that’s still there. But then you only have disaster when whoever’s supposed to reply, they get confused because the actor used to say ‘ship’ and this time they said ‘boat’- and they forgot their thing because they were waiting for a ship to come in when instead a boat has just ‘hove into view’. And before y’know it, everybody is just starin’ at each other in a blind panic, tryin’ to get out of it and hopin’ the audience wont notice.

FIVE:
Which they always do.

.FOUR:
Which they always do even though they always say that they don’t.

ONE:
No that’s not it.

.FOUR:
What.

ONE:
It is sometimes but worst. Worst of all is when there’s one, like-you-said ‘main’ part, and the main part stupid bitch that she or he is,

THREE:
Careful

ONE:
(musically) ‘Or stupid Bastard’. What they do, is fuck it up completely and come out with something that’s not supposed to happen for another ten pages.

THREE:
And then everyone is fucked.

.FOUR:
Both instances are a hell of a lot less likely to occur if everybody does all the parts.

ONE:
But people are busy with their own shite.

.FOUR:
People are too busy with their own shite to realise they are involved in a co-operative activity.

.TWO:
Do the audience always know if you missed a line?

FIVE:
Always. Almost Always. Sometimes the audience get it arseways too.

.TWO:
howjamean?

FIVE:
Like there’s a gulf. Depends on the way you play it and where it is. I mean there might be a pause where you know as an actor and (to four) you know as well that someone’s searchin’ the brain for the line. But if it happens at the right time it can seem like a pregnant and powerful pause, and a fine piece of acting. And if there’s a change of subject, so what? Such changes regularly occur in actual conversation.

( longish pause)

ONE:
I hate this phone. You don’t know when you’re after sendin’ a message.

THREE:
Look in ‘sent items’

ONE:
I’m tryin to but where’s ‘sent items’?

FIVE:
It’s like pulling a sick day at work, you can only get away with it so many times.

.FOUR:
I’d love to do it. Even the politics. Everybody is the potential lead and the potential understudy.

THREE:
I used to have one o’ them. Gis-a-look.

.FOUR:
I’d love to do it as an exercise. As an exercise it’s worthwhile. But any play would do. Any.
I mean it’s a valid exercise but it wouldn’t justify…
It’s only a gimmick.

THREE:
Is it this message?

ONE:
Yeah.

THREE:
Then you sent it, ‘cos that’s in sent messages.

FIVE:
Don’t knock gimmicks.

.FOUR:
Howjamean?

FIVE:
I’m just sayin’ don’t knock gimmicks. Like just think about Beckett…

THREE:
Oh here-we-go..

FIVE:
I’m not talkin’ about that I’m talking…

.FOUR:
No. what are you sayin?

FIVE:
Now this is me talkin’and you know how feel but the Beckett thing. All I’m tryin’ to say. Look.
Beckett or whoever. Look. I’m just sayin’ gimmicks work.

.FOUR:
Gimmicks work.

FIVE:
Well yeah. I mean.

.FOUR:
I cant believe you said that.

FIVE:
Well that’s what I’m sayin’

THREE:
Why cant you believe who said what?

FIVE:
But I do mean it.

.FOUR:
(to three) Total purist.

FIVE:
But still..

.TWO:
(to one) Whoya texting?

ONE:
( the real answer)

FIVE:
It all comes down to showbiz.

.FOUR:
I dunno.

FIVE:
Think!

.FOUR:
I dunno, that’s not what you said…

FIVE:
Never mind about Like with Beckett…

THREE:
(to four) hates Beckett, yeah?

FIVE:
I Don’t.

.FOUR:
(to three) Oh yeah.

FIVE:
Look, All I’m sayin is showbiz…

.FOUR:
That’s not all your sayin’ No but, and this is what I honestly believe…

ONE:
People.

FIVE:
Gimmick’s a strong word and y’know negative connotations and all that, But even Shakespeare, because King Lear.

.FOUR:
King Lear was Just a gimmick?

FIVE:
God will you listen?

.FOUR:
What?

FIVE:
King Lear isn’t just a gimmick but it was the most often, the play for queen Elisabeth like most requested to see. Not because of the Royal y’know, or the plot or anything. It was the most requested because the reason was the thunder machine.

THREE:
The reason was the thunder machine?

ONE:
People.

FIVE:
The reason was that the reason,-The queen just liked the sound,- or even a better one, In Macbeth…

.FOUR:
What’s the gimmick in Macbeth?

FIVE:
I’ll tell you.

ONE:
Sorry guys if nobody minds, I’m gonna have another beer.
(one leaves for the kitchen)
FIVE:
At the end of Macbeth, your man comes in with the chopped off head…

THREE:
Is that Macbeth now?

.TWO:
I’m lost.

FIVE:
He comes in…

THREE:
Oh no, it is…

FIVE:
He comes in wavin’ this head. But in Shakespeare’s time…

ONE:
(shouting from the kitchen) Where are they?

FIVE:
In shakespeare’s… not always because they did have props…

ONE:
(shouting) You’re grand I have’m

FIVE:
But say if there was an execution that day…

THREE:
What?

FIVE:
See? That’d be the thing… ’come see the play’ and ‘real human head’ for a finish.

THREE:
That’s not true…

.FOUR:
So what your sayin-… Is that true?

FIVE:
The verity of the anecdote is not the issue.

.TWO:
I’m totally…

.FOUR:
Well if the verity… If it’s not true why are you sayin?...

FIVE:
Even if it’s not true. And it is true you can look it up…

THREE:
Bullshit.

FIVE:
Even if it’s not true, and it’s say ‘only a theory’…

THREE:
Bullshit in other words.

FIVE:
All I’m sayin’- which version of Macbeth do you think was better attended? Which was frankly more- I mean which would you go see?
A Real Human Head. You’d have to admit it adds something.

THREE:
ewwwww

FIVE:
And let’s be, this is the thing, y’know, Shakespeare’s audience
aren’t what the most sophisticated. I mean common Elisabethan folk.

.TWO:
‘magine you had a real human head on stage.

FIVE:
I rest my case.

To be continued


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