Maltese Falcon part three

Part three of the increasingly unpopular 'The Maltese Falcon may be already taken' script.

FIVE:
I rest my case.

FOUR:
I dunno. I dunno if you do. I mean, whatever. But surely… The point is that King Lear, Macbeth, I mean surely the point is they work –I mean they work. Like they’re good. I mean they’re good enough to work without y’know the Wind machine or the chopped off bits.

FIVE:
Well that’s what I’m sayin’.

FOUR:
What are you sayin’?

FIVE:
I’m sayin they are but this isn’t-

FOUR:
You’re sayin’ I need a gimmick to keep the audience interested?

FIVE:
In this play yes.

FOUR:
Well don’t hold back…

ONE:
(returns) did I miss anything?

FIVE:
Look you think I’m sayin’ something but that’s not what I’m sayin at all.

FOUR:
Well what are you sayin?

THREE:
Yeah, what are you sayin?

FIVE:
What I’m sayin is..-I’ll tell you what I’m sayin’…

THREE:
So tell us.

ONE:
Yeah tell us.

FIVE:
Right (to one) You wanted to know what you missed…

ONE:
No I get the jist.

FIVE:
(to four) You think I’m sayin’: ‘This play is so bad it needs a gimmick to fix it.’

FOUR:
Yeah.

FIVE:
Yeah.

THREE:
In fairness that is what you’re sayin’…

FIVE:
It’s not.

THREE:
Well then what are you…

FIVE:
What I’m sayin.

THREE:
yeah.

FIVE:
What I’m sayin, look. No gimmick. I don’t believe. NO gimmick in the world is so good, that it’s going to save a truly awful play.

FOUR:
Right.

FIVE:
But you’re denying the usefulness of… What I’m saying is: ‘ I Like this play’.

FOUR:
Thanks.

FIVE:
Don’t thank me yet.

TWO:
Anyone more wine?

FOUR:
Cheers.

FIVE:
I mean.. I like the idea. I think it’s different. Challenging. Never been done before I don’t think, and

FOUR:
Thanks.

FIVE:
and there’s a reason for that.

FOUR:
And the reason would be?

FIVE:
Well there’s a million reasons or, what I should say is that there’s a million ways for it to go wrong.

FOUR:
Right.

FIVE:
Which is probably it’s strength, or charm I mean It’d be difficult to learn and perform. Actorwise. But I still. I mean on the other hand why shouldn’t it live?
What I’m sayin is, if it worked It’d be like watching a tight-rope act.

FOUR:
Right

FIVE:
And maybe the gimmick is to take away the net.


FOUR:
I didn’t know there was a net.


FIVE:
Well there is one.

FOUR:
And that’s what you want me to do,- to take away the net?

FIVE:
Indeedy.

FOUR:
And how do I do that?

FIVE:
That I can’t help you with.

FOUR:
And that’d save it.

FIVE:
Not ‘save’ it exactly, I didn’t mean save it. But it’d y’know, tickin’ on that while longer. It would still have to go somewhere.

FOUR:
Okay.

THREE:
Yeah.

FOUR:
You agree?

THREE:
No but yeah- I see what you mean because yeah.

TWO:
Someone please explain it to me.

THREE:
No yeah because sooner or later…

FIVE:
Sooner or later…

THREE:
sooner or later exactly.

(pause)

TWO:
Is Hitler still gonna be in it?

THREE:
god.

TWO:
What? I’m only askin…

FOUR:
I think we can forget about Hitler at this stage.

ONE:
Ve mahst nevah fahgett!

FIVE:
Hitler yeah. Well I have to say. I think I saw where you were goin’ with that one.

THREE:
Yeah the Art thing.

FIVE:
Bad idea.

FOUR:
Why?

THREE:
Because Santy’s magic.

(pause)

ONE:
Okay what’s goin on?

THREE:
No point in sayin ‘art is dead’ because then you might as well say ‘God is dead’ and it’s a really shite point to make because you’re right and you have all the evidence on one side but nobody’s gonna listen to it because nobody wants to believe you.

FIVE: Howjamean?

THREE: It’s a boring topic because it’s like listening to a bunch of seven-year olds talking about santy, and like, one of them… I dunno seven –year old Thomas More has been fact-gathering, and he’s all:’ A sleigh can’t fly’ and ‘The world is too big’ and ‘you’d never fit all…’ and ‘ We don’t have a chimney’ and it doesn’t matter what he says because some snot-arse is just gonna say at the end: ’But Santy’s magic’.

ONE:
Maybe he is.

THREE:
Maybe he is but poor kids still get crap presents.

ONE:
Well then they must be naughty.

THREE:
fuck off.

ONE:
Santy’s magic.

THREE:
fuck off.

ONE:
Say it. Say Santy’s magic.

THREE:
Santy’s magic.

ONE: Or Is He?

TWO:
What’s everyone talkin’ about?

FIVE:
Don’t mind ‘em.

(pause)

TWO:
Maybe you should write a play about gangsters.


FOUR:
Yeah?


TWO:
Like ‘gangland Limerick’. You should’ve written something like that. There’s drama there now, and stabbing and like everyone’d go see it.

FOUR:
Yeah?

(pause. Sound of broken glass. A car alarm.)

ONE:
Fuck!

TWO:
Is that?

FOUR:
(to one)Did you leave the gate open?

ONE:
I didn’t know..

FOUR:
FUCK!

(everybody except five scrambles off-stage)

To be continued...


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