Maltese Falcon part one.

part one of 'The Maltese Falcon may be already taken'
a play for the Fringe by me good self

List of Characters:
ONE: A person who drinks lager.

TWO: A person unburdened by Intelligence.
(would like to be a ‘star’.)

THREE: A person who knows Leo Colgan.

FOUR: A person who writes bad plays.

FIVE: A person with opinions.

There is a table. On it are scripts, and peanuts. Off-stage there is the sounds of greetings and banter. People are saying hello and making excuses for being late. Five people enter and shuffle around.
One removes their jacket and puts a six-pack of Dutch gold on the table.

FOUR:
Oh right, okay… I’ll just put them in the fridge for you, shall I?

ONE:
Sure, yeah,- leave me ONE though.

FOUR:
Okay one second: First em… Okay. You (to ONE) know who your playin’ are you still…? Yeah. so it’d probably best if you sat there. (to THREE) and if you can come here and…yeah.em.. right.
(to TWO) Okay. You can be Leonardo and Adolf so if you sit…And probbly. yeah – If we’re doing it the way…

TWO:
Adolf?

FOUR:
Yeah.

TWO:
As in Adolf Hitler?

FOUR:
The same, and I’m sorry now (to THREE) can you do the all the other parts? They’re kind of small so there shouldn’t…It should be relatively…What you can do is fire away but if you find if there’s parts…Like on the same page.

TWO:
Ah God.

FOUR:
(still to THREE) Like if you just end up talking to yourself…

TWO:
Hitler?

FOUR:
Yeah Hitler.(to THREE) Well look…that’s not supposed to… I don’t think it will…Look. If it does we’ll just…It shouldn’t.

TWO:
And you want me to be Hitler?

FOUR:
Well I mean, -it’s just a reading …

TWO:
I’ll be Hitler so.

FOUR:
Right.em.- I have some highlighting pens if any ONE… No?
Okay right. em. So I suppose we can start if that’s…

TWO:
Do you want me to do the accent?

FOUR:
Em… Sure don’t worry if you don’t feel…

TWO:
The only thing is I’d want more time I don’t think I can do it.

FOUR:
Right! Well, Like-I-say, it’s only a reading so don’t…

TWO:
I mean I could do it.

FOUR:
Right.

TWO:
But I’d really need to you know…’em Hitler. –y’know.

FOUR:
Well, As I say…

TWO:
That’s not easy.

FOUR:
No.

TWO:
I’ll give it a bash.

FIVE:
Where do I sit?

FOUR:
What?

TWO:
I’ll give it a bash but I won’t make any promises.

FIVE:
I’ll just sit here will I?

FOUR:
Do.

ONE:
(opening can) Is it gonna be long?

FOUR:
Right. Well the thing is I’m not really sure.

ONE:
Like I mean, how long is it?

THREE:
We’re not gonna be here all night are we?

FOUR:
No . I mean we shouldn’t be. The whole thing…I’m not sure exactly but it shouldn’t be more than…

TWO :
Leonardo da vinci is hispanial I know but what way does Hitler talk again? I don’t know if I can do German, Is it like Arnie?
Like, -‘All bee beck!’

THREE:
Think it’s more ‘Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein vaderland.’ But Arnie, Arnie’s not a German, he’s Austrian. Listen, I don’t want to be here all night…

FOUR:
No. Well-I-mean, none of us… We all have lives. So I suppose…

ONE:
Sittin’ here, readin’ a play.

FOUR:
‘course.

ONE:
better things to do..

FOUR:
Right.

ONE:
Go on-I’m only messin.

THREE :
Then again, if you think about it… Hitler wasn’t German either, he’s from Austria as well.

TWO:
So you think it’s alright to do it from the Arnie accent?

000000000000000000
SIMULTANEOUSLY

*FOUR: (to one) Look as far as I…Reading it out… It’s supposed to be about 47 minutes, going by pages…47 or there…But that’s why tonight. I was hoping we could time it. ONE: Okay I have a stopwatch on me phone, d’you want me to use it? FIVE: Will I time it? FOUR : D’you mind? FIVE: Not at all, -I’ll use me phone. FOUR: That’d be great. ONE: Okay so we’ll use your phone is it? FIVE: Yeah. FOUR: Okay. FIVE: Okay so, Anytime you’re ready FOUR: Is it ready? FIVE: What?-Yeah! No. I have it now. Right. Is everybody ready? ONE: I’ne grand. FOUR: Okay so, We’re ready so, are we?*

*THREE: I s’pose; I mean if they’re both Austrians…Here, Imagine Arnie playing Hitler. TWO: Who Arnie? THREE: In another universe, he might’ve. TWO: Arnie? THREE: Yeah, say Arnie won the war, no,- what am I sayin? – Say Hitler won the war…. TWO: Hitler? THREE: Yeah, if Hitler won and the Nazis took over the world,- Hitler’d be a hero then, wouldn’t he? TWO: Hitler? THREE: And Hitler’d be different. Like if the Nazis won they might decide, y’know afterward, that Hitler was blonde. TWO: A Blondie Hitler? THREE: Yeah. They’d probably make out that he was more Aryan so that, y’know. TWO: Arnold Shwarzenegger playing Hitler? THREE: Maybe.* - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NORMAL
FIVE:
Everybody ready? (murmers of assent).

FOUR:
Okay, (to five) You haven’t read it?

FIVE:
(manuel-style) I know naaathing.

FOUR:
Okay so you have the eh…Right so, if everybody has there eh…

THREE:
One thing, em… D’you mind? If we have a read just now. before we start. Just if I could read to meself for a minute- not the whole thing or anything but.- Just to get the flavour of it.

ONE:
Ackshilly, yeah. I’d like that.

FOUR:
(to five) Are you okay for….?

FIVE:
I’m fine, fire away.

THREE:
Just to get a flavour…

(They sit. Everybody except number four reads Four looks at their watch when they start .After sixty seconds four looks at it again and puts their hand on the table .NB If the actor has judged wrong and sixty seconds have not passed- they do not put their hand on the table but puts their hand down and have another look in a while .When four puts their hand on the table, one looks up and they establish eye-contact.)


FOUR:
D’you want another..?

ONE:
no I’m grand,(picks up can) Well no, yeah, actually-might as well.

FOUR:
Okay.(getting up) Anybody else?

(four leaves. Everybody reads. four brings in can and puts it on the table.

FOUR:
Is everyone okay? –‘Cos there’s wine if…

THREE:
Well I’ne grand.

FOUR:
You’re Sure?

FIVE:
Wine?

FOUR:
Yeah.

TWO:
Red or White?

FOUR:
I’m sorry now, there’s only Red. No wait, I think there’s Baileys if you…

TWO:
I’ll have a glass of red.

FIVE:
And I’ll have a glass as well.

TWO:
I’ll have a glass of red wine.(to three) What about you?

THREE:
Go on.

FOUR:
Okay that’s three….(to one) and you’re okay with the…

ONE:
Grand.

FOUR:
One second.

(four disappears. Everyone reads. four reappears with 4 glasses. Dissappears and reappears with bottle and corkscrew. four opens the wine and pours it out, and passes around the glasses. After a while, When one finishes their can, one stops reading and waits.one looks around, opens the new can and start reading again. three sits back and sighs. one stops again. They look at each other and smile small smiles. three drums a small tattoo on the table.)
FIVE:
(to four without looking up,) I know, I said I wouldn’t read it.

FOUR:
Sure fire ahead.

FIVE:
I’ll just finish this page.

(reads on)

FIVE:
(sitting back) Right.

(two is still turning pages)


FOUR:
Right so,are we all…

TWO:
Oh.,Is everyone stopped?

THREE:
yeah. We’re all waiting for you.

TWO:
Well okay then so sure I’m grand. Ready when you are.

FIVE:
Can I… Can I just say one, okay two. Just a couple of things?- before we start now.

FOUR:
Sure.I mean that’s what…

FIVE:
Because once we do start.- I don’t want to be interrupting every five minutes…

FOUR:
No of course sure.

FIVE:
Otherwise we’ll be here all night.

FOUR:
No yeah.

FIVE:
Right then: First Impressions.

FOUR:
First Impresssions.

FIVE:
Okay well first I like the way it starts and I really feel like I can see it, y’know? The silent stage. But the problem…There is…I can see what you’re going for and I do think you have it kind of nailed.; I mean… No. there is something to be said for what I’d have to call ‘realism’. And the dialogue…you do have it because while ’m sure it’s hard to make out on first reading… and a bastard to learn, because it will be. It is, at least more like, It’s the way often… things really are…spoken. as opposed to when you just write stuff down if you get me. the sense of articulate…articulateness….you get what I’m sayin’ don’t you?

FOUR:
I do.I think I …

FIVE:
Lots of Interruptions.

FOUR:
Yeah.

FIVE:
Which is the way people talk.

FOUR:
Well that’s why I…

FIVE:
But very hard to carry off onstage.

FOUR:
I suppose yeah,Yeah.- So you think I should let people finish their sentences?

FIVE :
Well it depends, I’m just saying, if you’re planning on making things this real ; you’re gonna need pretty hard-working actors.

FOUR:
I see, yeah.

FIVE:
All those umms and ahhhs .

FOUR:
I spose.

FIVE:
But like I say: that’s the way you’ve written it. And that’s what your going for so Who –am-I?...I mean it could work, I’m not saying it won’t. but if it’s done right it ‘s gonna look like like improvisation, I’m not sayin’ it wont work but it’s hardwork for the actors. I see where it’s goin. But some of it. Like this bit where you have everybody talking at once, where is it? here where you have the little star things, you see, here.*

SIMULTANEOUS

FIVE: *and it says at the note here ‘Simultaneous’ and then further down ‘Normal’ and I think you have the line of dots to show.. -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

ONE: * Oh Is that what that is?, - I didn’t know what that was: THREE: No I figured it out because of the way it ends. – I had to go back over it again though.*

NORMAL
FIVE:
You had to go back over it. exactly. Y’see? It’s not, I mean it is the way people talk in real life. But in real life, every word out of our mouths isn’t pertinent because in real life every word out of our mouths isn’t designed to say something about us or to tell a story,- but in a play.

ONE:
Yeah that’s true.

FIVE:
But in a play they should be. D’y’get me?

FOUR:
Yeah.

FIVE:
I don’t mean to be insulting, I’m just saying…

FOUR:
No Interruptions and talking over.

FIVE:
Well maybe less. Right and what else. Okay. What’s the difference between these people?

FOUR:
Difference?

FIVE:
I’ve got, I don’t know how many, pages into it and not even one of your characters has a name.

FOUR:
What are you talking about?

FIVE:
They’re nameless.

FOUR:
How?

FIVE:
How are they not nameless?

FOUR:
They’re all named. There is a full list of all of them at the start, and every page after that..

FIVE:
After that there’s the name right before the lines.

FOUR:
On every page.

FIVE:
Look. What I’m sayin’ is. Just because you’ve written it doesn’t mean it’s there. Not with a play. If people don’t refer to each other by name, the audience don’t hear it, they don’t know what they’re called. Essentially nameless.

FOUR:
I spose yeah.

FIVE:
You could call them, One Two and Three, it won’t matter.

FOUR:
Yeah. Okay yeah, I get your point.

FIVE:
And you might as well, because so far they’re indistinguishable. maybe. I mean there is obviously a couple here who are well defined in their role.

FOUR:
well defined?

FIVE:
But only in their roles. And roles aren’t characters. I mean they’re still the same people d’y’see?

FOUR:
Right.

FIVE:
Right?

FOUR:
Yeah you’re right.

FIVE:
I’m only sayin this…

FOUR:
Ah no sure grand. I never thought about it yeah.

FIVE:
Grand which brings me to my last…Well there’s a couple more things…

FOUR:
A couple?

FIVE:
Yeah, and I don’t mean to be funny but.

FOUR:
But.

FIVE:
From the first few pages anyway. And I’m only talking about the first few pages or so… (deep breath)

FOUR:
But.

FIVE:
Drama and story.

FOUR:
Drama and story?

FIVE:
Yeah.

FOUR:
There’s no drama?

FIVE:
Not really no.

ONE:
Has a point.

FIVE:
There’s argument. No I won’t say there isn’t arguement. But-I-mean, without a dramatic context then you just get, I dunno, a Socratic like compared points of view. Which can be interesting but without a story… without investment in…

ONE:
So you think it’s up its own arse?

THREE:
Some of it, It could be said, It could definitely come across that way alright.

To be continued....

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