Maltese Falcon part four

The fourth part in the 'Maltese Falcon may be already taken' series.

TWO:
Maybe you should write a play about gangsters.


FOUR:
Yeah?


TWO:
Like ‘gangland Limerick’. You should’ve written something like that. There’s drama there now, and stabbing and like everyone’d go see it.

FOUR:
Yeah?

(pause. Sound of broken glass. A car alarm.)

ONE:
Fuck!

TWO:
Is that?

FOUR:
(to ONE)Did you leave the gate open?
ONE:
I didn’t know..

FOUR:
FUCK!

(everybody except five scrambles off-stage)

FOUR:
Shit!

ONE:
They’re gone over the fence!

TWO:
D’you see them?

ONE:
I see them, look!

(three returns)

THREE:
I’m not goin’ out there.

FIVE:
What’s goin on?

SIMULTANEOUSLY

*FOUR: Come back! ONE: (indistinguishable) FOUR: Yeah, I see. Just come back! ONE: (Indistinguishable) FOUR: Yeah I see, no.- Close the gate. Close it!* .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

FIVE: *Did they bust the car? THREE: I couldn’t see, they were out there though. FIVE: Are they still there?- What’s gone on? THREE: Stall on…* -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

NORMAL
(alarm stops. four returns.)

FOUR:
God. I’m shakin’…

FIVE:
What’s gone on?

THREE:
Is the car busted?

FIVE:
Will I ring the guards?

(TWO and ONE return)
ONE:
Fuckers!

TWO:
Did you see them?

FIVE:
Is the car busted?

FOUR:
Nah, it’s grand.

FIVE:
It’s grand? what was…

ONE:
Fuckers were throwin’ bottles from over the fence.

TWO:
One of them hit the bonnet I’d say.

FIVE:
The bonnet?

TWO:
Dunno if it was the bonnet or the top of the car, I dunno what set it off.

FOUR:
It hit the roofrack

TWO:
The roofrack was it?

FOUR:
Thinkso. Roofrack’s bent anyway.

FIVE:
Jeez you were lucky.

FOUR:
Well I’m lucky they didn’t hit the windscreen. God, I don’t know about you guys but I’m gonna open another bottle.(four goes to the kitchen. pause)

ONE:
God.

(pause)

TWO:
Is it like that around here a lot is it?

THREE:
Yeah.

ONE:
. (heading to the kitchen)Have you got a dustpan and brush? Clear up some of the glass.

FOUR:
(from kitchen) you’re grand.

TWO:
Do They only come at night do they?

ONE:
(from kitchen) No look. we’ll clear it up anyway.

FOUR:
(from kitchen) All right one second, I’ll give you a hand.

(four: returns and places bottle and can on the table)
FOUR:
Back in a sec’-

THREE:
A fine vintage. You all right?

FOUR:
Yeah. Don’t worry, just gonna clean up the glass, help yourselves.

(four: leaves)

THREE:
I think we’re getting’ to the end of the cellar about now.

FIVE:
Probbly just as well.

TWO:
Is it any good?

THREE:
The wine?

TWO:
The play, d’you think it’s any good. D’you think it’d be put on?

FIVE:
Well them’s two different questions. Whether it’s any good or not… God, I cant say. What-do-I-know? Getting’ it put on. If it was me, if it was me who had the say: I’d say no. It’s just. One thing readin’ it. The whole idea. I cant see how it would go down. it’s risky. It’d be tough to pull off.

TWO:
Why, is there cryin’ in it?

THREE:
Not the point.

FIVE:
Although I do admit I’m curious about the end. Ackshilly d’you mind if I have another look at the script, because I’m not that sure what I’m talkin’ about.

(pause. sound of sweeping glass from outside. five: reads.)

THREE:
another wine?

TWO:
you don’t think it’s gonna be put on?

THREE:
Well look, who knows… maybe it’ll all come together as they say.
…Showbiz.

(offstage)

ONE:
Here I’ll just put it…

FOUR:
No not that bin, It has to go with the glass.

ONE:
This one?

FOUR:
The one next to it.

ONE:
How many feckin’ bins?

FOUR:
Give us it.

(on stage)

TWO:
It’d be cool if he gets it put on. I’m thinkin’ about it. I know exactly how to do Hitler. I remember now I saw him in something.

THREE:
Who?

TWO:
Hitler. Like the way he talks.

( ONE: and four: return)

FOUR:
Sorry about that, Now- back to the festivities.

ONE:
It’s all clean now.- Is that can empty?

(three: picks it up)
THREE:
Almost.

ONE:
One second (goes to kitchen).

FOUR:
(to TWO:,) I was thinkin’ outside and I think I have your answer.

TWO:
So do you want me to be Hitler.

FOUR:
I think I should supply a context before we go any fuhrer.

TWO:
I’d give it a bash.

FOUR:
You did suggest -did you not- that I write a play about gangland crime or something.

TWO:
I was only sayin’: for drama.

FOUR:
I was thinkin’ about it outside there and I think.
I agree with you.

TWO:
well I

FOUR:
Completely.

TWO:
I was only.

FOUR:
You’re right. You’re dead right. He so right because it’s true. Not only popular. Not only would it be popular But (to five:) Plot.
Plot exactly and Drama and plenty of. And valid also in terms of personal whatever. I mean the fact is, the fact is I live here. We, Like it’s all around us and it’s important and God! y’know?
Somebody should say something.

THREE:
Here don’t…

FOUR:
You could write Self- indulgent piles of crap forever but. Where’s the audience for it? Whose it spose to ‘speak to’?

ONE: (returning) We all okay in here?

FOUR:
True Story. Right? ‘actual true..’ Seven! seven.seven\eight certainly not more. Standing broad-! Like sunny day! Smashing bottles. Just out there. Went out. Asked them to stop. Only two of them. One of them, say the eight-year-old:
If he was that! If he was that! Face. transforms like,like a mask, and I say mask, like a mask of malevolence. And I’m the adult and this is the child- he takes the bottle, like the neck is the handle. Breaks it off the wall and holds up the bit and says:”see that?- I’ll slit your fuckin’ throat with that”

Now I know…What I’m lookin’ at, What I’m lookin’ at is some kid goin through a pantomime, goin’ through a bullyin’ pantomime not from… but y’know he has learnt either from experience but yeah. Crime. I agree with you. and I would write about it. But honestly fuck! What do you say?

(pause.)


THREE:
Fuck yeah I don’t know what to say about that.

FOUR:
And neither do I is my point.

ONE:
Maybe you should…

FOUR:
Like really it should be what you know about. Write what you know and all. But the truth. The truth is I don’t want to know about it. The only reason I live here is because I write shit plays that don’t get put on for a livin, and that’s a shitty way to make a livin. But I don’t want to know about it. I want to know about the other world you have in books. I grew up with it I didn’t want to know about it then. Fuckers. and this is the thing:
I read somewhere right that the- what is it?- In peace… yeah I have it- In peacetime the rich bully the poor but in wartime… In wartime the strong bully the weak,- I don’t know if bully is the exact word but when your… If you grow up in a place. Unless you and your whole fambly- if your not crims- you’re weak And your poor, and peace and war are one and the same if the guards never come round anyway. Or if no-one ever rings ‘em.

ONE:
Cos they don’t want their windows put in.

THREE:
Look, your paintin it all very black.

FOUR:
I am and I’m sorry but I don’t want to paint it at all is the point Im tryin to make.

(pause)

THREE:
No.

FOUR:
Okay well not ‘paint’, ‘portray’ how about that?

ONE:
Well maybe it sounds as if you should.

FOUR:
Well maybe it sounds to me like you got a case of the ‘spose-ta’s

THREE:
No. Why don’t ya?

FOUR:
Why don’t I.

THREE:
Yeah why not.

FOUR:
Jesus I dunno. Criminals aren’t that interestin’ y’know? Not real ones. To be hard you only have to be vicious. Most people aren’t vicious, so it seems… I dunno exotic or whatever but it’s no particular talent. Not if you’ve been brought up that way. I mean there is Like-you-say ‘plot’ and various intrigues no doubt in a group of people with a cavalier approach to morality but. It’s so fuckin’ small . Every gang of pricks in every area in every town think they’re the biggest baddest bastards who ever lived. But really what they’re like, it’s like Ricky Gervais, it’s like ‘the office’ you know? There’s no real glamour there. I mean take away the violence and you’re left with a bunch of idiots who think the sun is a newspaper.
crims are crap.

ONE:
Soap my arse and slide backwards up a rainbow.

THREE:
I beg your pardon?

ONE:
I don’t agree with that at all. It’s gas. You’re completely right wing. You’re denying people their humanity, just because they’re involved with whatever. You can’t write about it… You can’t write about it because you’re refusing to engage with it.

FOUR:
I’m not denyin’ humanity

ONE:
No?

FOUR:
No the human. The human part is the interestin’ part. But I think someone who chooses to define themselves. Only in terms of their criminal… They’re lettin’ themselves down or… You want me to engage… Anyway you’re right. I can’t do it. And if you can do it then you should do it because he’s right.

TWO:
I’m right.

FOUR:
It’s valid, It’s contemporary, it needs addressing. And you might even have a story instead of this shite here which is just tricks and gimmicks and…

THREE:
People talkin’

FOUR:
People talkin’ as opposed to anybody doing anything or anybody saying anything or anything happening.

(pause)

FOUR:
(to critic) How y’getting on?

FIVE:
What? yeah, I’m just…you’ve taken it into some strange areas.
I don’t know what it is your tryin to say…

FOUR:
Finish it. Let me know what you think of the endin’

(pause)

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