people in this town don’t know Jack.
People in this town don’t know Jack but I do.
I know Jack . Jack the knave I call him.
Not really a friend but more of an acquaintance
We share the same taste in suits.
This story aint about jack.
This story is about Jill.
Said her middle name was ted.
But then Jill Ted Heart said a lotta things
It all began last Tuesday when she came into my office.
She was a dame alright, The dame of hearts.
She looked like she’d broken a few.
“Are you Mr Spade” she asked with honey dripping
from her voice like golden dew on an autumn morning
One look at her and I was ready to fold,
But you gotta stay professional in this business,
“Just call me Ace, sweetheart”
I said with my best poker face
Then She flipped.
“Oh Mr Spade, I don’t know where to turn”
“Why don’t you just lay it all out the table cupcake?-
Patience aint a game I’ve ever been good at”
“Oh Mr Spade…Ace- It’s Louis the king,
I think…I think he’s been cheating on me”.
“Louis the King?” I’m guessin’ that’s your fella,
Hope you don’t mind me sayin’ so,
But anyone dumb enough to cheat on a dame like
you aint playin with a full deck”
“That’s nice of you to say so ace.”
But I’m sure of it.- something’s going on
and I want…”
I want revenge Mr Spade.
“Just what are you sayin’ sister?”
I think you know,
I’m prepared to give good money,
I want him , I want him off the deck”
So that was the play, she wanted louis to take his mortal coil,
and shuffle it.
“Can you do it?” asked Jill Ted Heart with a pair of flashing blue-eyes
That said: “you’d better buster”.
Like I say, I’ve been called a card and it’s true I know a few tricks:
“Say..How do I know you really mean that toots?
How do I know you aint been at the Gin?”
“Rummy? Is what you think of me? That I’m a drunk?”
“ I didn’t mean for you to get all bent out of shape,
How about you make like my old Irish mother used to say and ‘whisht’?
First of all, this is some serious business here,
I mean if someone was to hear what we been talking about now,
I could be in some serious trouble.
“‘Snap’ Mr Spade”.
Well Okay, maybe we’ll play that bridge when we come to it.
First off, you may be the queen of hearts sugar
But I aint, I call a spade a spade,
I can use a club or a blackjack,
And I know Diamonds aint forever.
But cutting the King from the deck
is dealing from the bottom
Whatever way you look at it… "
"You think I’m bluffing? "
"I think I might wanna hedge my bets.
I don’t wanna end up in some penitentiary,
There’s a lotta Cops in this town’d be mighty
pleased to see ole’ Ace in the hole".
"Please Mr Ace you gotta do Something! "
"Okay Cupcake, how’s about you take a seat while,
I put a call through to my Club",
I picked up the receiver:
"Operator give me number 2".
“What? -The Deuce?” asked Ms Heart,
"Certainly Ms Heart, it’s 2 man operation
And Club’s the best 2 man I know",
“Yes I suppose but..”
“You didn’t think I was playin’ Solitaire didya?”
"Say while we’re on numbers; maybe now we talk about what you’re
Plannin’ on putting in the pot.
I mean, I’d do this job for the sake of your big blue eyes,
but I got deuce to pay".
“Whatever you ask Mr Spade”
Smilin' slyly- Like the cat who was the Queen,
“ I been bakin’ my own tarts for some time now”
Then I got through to the club
“Hey Deuce!” Deuce or clubby to his face,
Deuce never liked bein’ called number two,
"We gotta game over here Deuce,
Why don’t you just shuffle over
and I’ll lay out the deal, and Deuce,
bring the necessaries".
I put down the phone and upped the Ante,
“ Jill Ted Heart, The Queen of Hearts
I never heard of a Queen without a King,
And you just said you don’t care about the cost of this caper,
How about you come clean,
Nobody bakes that many tarts
How long it’s been goin’ on with you
and the King of Diamonds?"
Ace you have … you have information?
“I don’t need information, I got instinct,
You want instinct, I’m the guy you come to,
Hence my slogan; Instinct- we got it in Spades”
“ Oh I couldn’t help myself,
When I saw that cute crown,
That crazy moustache, that fancy collar…”
"Yeah I spose you aint the first dame to go for a Diamond in the ruff.
But this time the cards aint gonna fall the way you want them to.
“what do you mean Mr Spade?”
"I mean this, for someone who calls herself the 'Queen of hearts'
You’ve been playing some heartless game here tonight.
I’m sayin’ I know a wildcard when I see one.”
The door flew open and in came Clubby Deuce,
With a load of Cops and some leg irons.
"Here he is!" I told them…
He? Asked the deuce, still starin’ at the Queen,
“Yeah! It’s a helluva disguise, but then they say he
can pass himself off as anyone”
"This is ridiculous! Shouted Queenie
The guys on Dope I tellya,- that’s what it is: Ace’s High!"
The Cop sniffed his nose in the Air;
" You smell something?"
He asked Clubby the deuce,
"I smell a rat is what I smell" said clubby,
The cop smiled:"That’s right, Ace’s on the level,
The only dope in this room tonight is you ...
And once he said it the game was over.
Same old Joker, well there’s one in every pack.
Always tryin’ to be some body else,
Tonight the Queen of Hearts,
But with Louis outa the deck,
Joker’d soon be looking to play the King of Hearts.
Good Job me and Clubby always called the cops
“ The necessaries”
As for how things played out,
The Cops got their Joker,
I got some well earned rest.
And Clubby number two got handsomely renumerated,
Cause Like I say:
I always pay my Deuce.