A Load of Rubbish pt4

start at the beginnin'

THE WOMAN:
Five minutes? what is the boy playing at?
I’ll give you five minutes you lazy strap,
The water should be pumped an hour ago!
(she exits towards the bedroom)
I’ll drag you out of bed, if I have to!
(She reappears)
OhmyGod-OhmyGod ,OhmyGod ,OhmyGod

THE YOUNG MAN:
(Emerging in a state of undress)
I’m sorry but you shouldn’t have burst in,
I mean you could have knocked, I mean sorry.

THE WOMAN:
OH MY GOD!

THE YOUNG MAN:
My privates, My privacy, needs respect.

THE WOMAN:
It didn’t take you long to get used to the idea then.

THE WOMAN:
That girl can take her things, and go back home,
Go back in there, and tell her, pack her bags.
She’ll have to leave at once, the deal is off,

THE YOUNG MAN:
But Mum>

THE OLD MAN:(with lamp)
>Hey now! What’s all this noise, who’s going home?

THE YOUNG MAN:
Grandad<
THE WOMAN:
>There are some things a Mother shouldn’t see,
That girl is going back and that is that.!
I will not tolerate it in my home,
I can’t endure the terms of that mans deal.
It’s simply unendurable I say!
We’ll give that farmer back all of his things,
And open the Garbagerie as planned,
that girl simply must leave this house at once.

THE OLD MAN:
Oh so!- the Girl is here already then!
Okay, Well,- let’s not panic straightaway!
I know the boy’s not really comfortable,
or happy about this arrangement so,
Maybe your Old Grandfather here could help ?
May I suggest she stays with me a while,
‘Til you get used to having her around.
Then if you like, after a week or two,
When you’re a bit more used to the idea,
Then you can take her in to sleep with you.

THE WOMAN:
OH MY GOD!
She is not to stay here one moment longer!
Not under my own roof, I’ll not have it!

THE OLD MAN:
My Daughter you forget who is in charge,
Who is the most Responsible one here?

THE WOMAN:
But this - this situation’s most unique!

THE OLD MAN:
I have the most Responsibility,
‘The Last of the Mohicans‘ that I am.
The only living Eco-warrior,
‘The man who saved the world’- did you forget?
What’s all that stuff you bully Wasters with?
‘Great Responsibility means great power’
And so said friendly neighborhood Speidmunn,

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well actually…

THE OLD MAN:
Yes?

THE YOUNG MAN:
And so said Speidmunn, so say all of us.

THE OLD MAN:
Right, and so I’ll only say this once,
She’s staying here a month like we agreed.(pause)
Now, as the boy’s so set against it, I
Myself will see what I can do to help<
THE YOUNG MAN:
>Well actually, you’re alright there, you see< THE OLD MAN: >Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything.

THE YOUNG MAN:
No what I mean is, everything is fine,
I ‘preciate the offer, granddad but,
I feel that I’ll be alright on my own,
Now that we’ve met, and already made friends,
The situation, deal or whatever-
It’s not as difficult as I first thought.

THE OLD MAN:
That’s bravely said my boy, but worry not,
You do not need to sacrifice yourself,
I know you never wanted to do this,
I agreed without asking your consent.
But I’m prepared to right this wrong, right now.
I’ll take this burden from you, my poor lad.

THE YOUNG MAN:
No really, there’s no need, I say again.
It’s true I was not gone on the idea,
At first, but now I think I’ll be okay.

THE OLD MAN:
You mean, You’re sure, that this is what you want?
‘Cause if you change your mind, I’ll be right here.

THE YOUNG MAN:
No thank you, like I told you, I’ll be fine.

THE OLD MAN:
Okay, so now you’re fine about the whole business are you?

THE YOUNG MAN:
Yes. Yes I am, I mean Yes.(pause)

THE OLD MAN:
If that’s the case, I still say that she stays.
(to audience)(This isn’t how I thought that it would be,
But I suppose that only serves me right.)
And I say the Garbagerie stays closed.
no arguments, I am not in the mood.

THE WOMAN:
But people want somewhere to bring their guilt.

THE OLD MAN:
Perhaps, but people also need to eat.
Our wants aren’t quite as urgent our needs.
And though it’s only human to desire,
Not all of our desires can be fulfilled,
And as my own desires are with me still,
I think I might as well go back to bed.
(He leaves)

THE WOMAN:
Well then, it seems that I have no say here,
Everyone has their orders to obey.
But as your Mother I’d appreciate,

THE YOUNG MAN:
>I get it mom, I’m sorry about that.
I’ll make sure that I keep my door locked shut.

THE WOMAN:
Also considering your ‘task in hand’,
Perhaps it is my duty to point out,
As your elder, and as your Mother too,
One thing you may not know, but it’s a fact,
You’ll never get her pregnant doing that.
(da-dum! Tishhh)

THE YOUNG MAN:
MOM!

THE WOMAN: (she lights a lamp)
Well I am only trine to help you out.
A Mother should be of some use to you.
If you are to become a father I...
Oh my boy, it is the most serious thing.
Parenthood.
I owe a great debt to my Father son,
As everybody does, you understand,
without people like him and my mother,
There really might not be a world today.
But…

THE YOUNG MAN:
But?

THE WOMAN:
But that man owes a debt to me as well!
Everything that we have is my doing!
Do you know that I starved when I was young?
Nobody knew we were Reese-pon-Sybil!
We used to farm and fish: we used to starve!
We lived like wasters, can you believe that?
All of the things that he and Mother did,
to save the world, back in the bee-four-time,
He never wanted anyone to know,
He kept it secret! Just imagine that!
He told me not to tell anybody,
About our fam’ly’s Rees-pon-sybil past!
He wanted to live just like a waster!
What sort of father lets his own child starve?
Well soon as I found out,I asked around,
And it turned out your Grandma’s quite well-known,
One of the most Reese-pon-Sybil that lived!
And my own Father:- an eco-war-your!
To think we had been hungry all that time!
And had to beg from others to survive,
No food, position, power or prestige,
And we,- the highest-born fam’ly for miles!
Of course ,I made sure everybody knew,
How wonderful to see shame in their eyes,
and know I’d never be hungry again.
That stubborn man still tried to farm, but now,
No-one would let him. Why?-The guilt of course!
That’s why you have a chance at life my boy,
Because I founded this Garbagerie,
and made sure I was Reese-pon-sibly Wed.
Although my husband didn’t last a year,
I never got to know him really, son.
And I have been here on my own since then.
Such sacrifices, parents have to make,
At least all of your blood’s Reese-pon-Sybil,
And We have Our Position and Our Name,
(she lights another)
Because of your Grandfather, it is true,
But also because of the work I‘ve done.
To keep this fam’ly fed, and free from harm.
And this is how he shows his gratitude,
By over-ruling everything I say.
And bringing in a stranger to this home.
Please promise me you’ll keep her from my sight.

YOUNG MAN:
No problem, although she’s really not so bad and<
THE WOMAN:
I assure you I have absolutely no intention of seeing or talking
to a Waster girl!
Somebody should at least keep a semblance of pride around here.

THE YOUNG MAN:
I don’t think she’d contaminate you Mum,
she’s actually very nice,

THE WOMAN:
I’ve no doubt that she’s accommodating,
She would bend over backwards I dare say,

THE YOUNG MAN:
Mom!

THE WOMAN:
Just keep her from my sight like a good boy.
Although I don’t approve of this at all,
I’m glad you can endure her, for your sake,
If it’s to be, you might as well enjoy,
your new companion, for a while at least.
(she lights another)
I often wish that I could find a man,
of my age and Reese-pon-Sybil-itty,
To be with in the autumn of my life.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Mom!

THE WOMAN:
Oh yes it’s fine for you but no-one else,
You needn’t worry son, it cannot be,
For nobody’s Reese-pon-Sybil for miles,
And those that are, are not the men for me.
Great Reese-pon-sybil-itty brings great power,
Wise old Speidmunn said that,- and it’s quite true,
But often it means loneliness as well,
that is the disadvantage of our class.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Mother, how do we know, what Speidmunn said?

THE WOMAN:
(she lights another)
I Beg your pardon, Organic my boy?

THE YOUNG MAN:
How do we know he ever said those things?

THE WOMAN:
Because! Young Man, because!-it’s written down,
Like The Great Wonder, all the ancient books,
The wisdom that we have from bee-four time,
It is because it is, It’s written down.

THE YOUNG MAN:
So, written down after the world had changed.?

THE WOMAN:
Yes, After the world changed, I think so, yes!

THE YOUNG MAN:
And what do we know about bee-four times?

THE WOMAN:
Things coming from the bee-four times are curs’d.

THE YOUNG MAN:
What about Speidmunn and The Great Wonder?

THE WOMAN:
Oh This is no time for theology!
What’s wrong with you? you really read too much.
All I know is how old Speidmunn told us:
‘That Great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty is power’
I don’t think that I need to know much more.

THE YOUNG MAN:
I don’t agree, there’s too much I don’t know.

THE WOMAN:
You’ve never grown up, Questions all the time!
Why don’t you go back in to your new ‘friend’.
And stop with all your questioning for once.

THE YOUNG MAN:
You need me to get water for the house.

THE WOMAN:
Just go back in, I’ll do all that myself.
It’s not like I have something else to do.
Just keep her out of sight - like a good boy.
(He exits.Tentative noise outside)
Whats that? don’t tell me someone’s coming here.
Some of these people were born without brains!
(Shouting)The invitation flame has not been lit!
(to herself)It’s very plain to see that we are closed.
(Shouting)Garbagerie is closed! Do not disturb!
(Incomprehensible female objection from off stage)
I don’t care why you came, I say we’re closed!
You’ll turn around right now and walk, I said.
I’m not int’rested, this is private ground.
That’s right, Get lost!(my what a stupid girl).
I think the reason half these people starve,
is they lack the intelligence to eat,
And though I know survival here is hard
Stupidity is fatal when complete.
In case any one of you is in doubt,
Let it be known to Wasters far and near,
The invitation flame has been put out,
There’s no point in your hanging around here,
For it has been decreed we take a break.
So we’ll take one: And you take a break too,
Though I’m convinced it’s all a big mistake,
(Next time we meet, there maybe less of you).
You cannot attend this Garbageray,
For unless that old man changes his tune...
We will not be opening up here today.
Tho' I assure you, business will resume.

Interval

next bit of rubbish

A Load of Rubbish pt3

start at the beginnin'


TOTALIA:
Hello? Excuse me? sorry, Yes, I know:
‘Garbagerie is closed, Do-not- Disturb’
Please forgive me, please forgive me,But,
I’m sorry, I thought I saw light in here,
And thought that maybe, maybe I could come
I’m not sure, I don’t know the protocol,
If I could have one moment of your time,
It’s just my Father came here yesterday,
And I, and I, well I, have come to say that<

THE YOUNG MAN:
There will be no Garbageries today,
The invitation fires have not been lit,
The bell has not been rung, and it wont be,
Garbagerie is cancelled in the name
Of my Grandfather and- so once again.
I’m saying to you:‘Please do not disturb’.

TOTALIA:
Well I, I, know that,- but the thing is this,
My Father came here yesterday, and he,
Well he was told that , or I should say he.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Oh now I understand, forgive me please,
One moment, while I light one of these lamps..
(he does so)
I quite forgot what happened yesterday.
Of course, Yes!- there was an agreement made,
And meaning nothing pers’nal- I object,
And have objected- all to no avail.
The way they treat us!- This whole sick idea!
They push us round and treat us as if we’re
incapable of independent thought.

TOTALIA:
My Father and myself do not agree,
Speshly about my coming here today.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well that does not surprise me in the least,
again, it’s nothing pers’nal when I say,
That I wish that you had never come here,
I was hoping that you wouldn’t turn up.
(he lights another)

TOTALIA:
There was debate between us but I felt:
Pers’nal honour, demanded my presence.
Commitments must be kept, no matter what.
Whatever you agree to, you should do,
If circumstances pre-vent this then we,
Must simply find another way to serve.
Which is exactly why I came today,
and I’m at your disposal, as of now.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Yes all that’s very loyal I’m sure, no doubt,
But are you sure- that you can tolerate,
your life, the life that you’ll be living here,
Un-married but still sleeping in my bed,
Just ‘cause your Father made a deal with us?-
(he lights another lamp)

TOTALIA:
Who made a what? What? sorry, come again?

THE YOUNG MAN:
You’re going to have to live here as my wife.

TOTALIA:
But surely you don’t mean that, it’s absurd!
My Father gave you everything we have!
You can’t ask this thing of me, no not this,

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well I can hardly marry you can I ?
when I was born so high and you so low.
What was arranged has to be done some way,
(he lights another)
It wasn’t my idea as I told you:
I didn’t think that it was very fair,
To you or me, but that’s what they agreed,
Nobody cares what I think around here,
I’m sorry but my protests were ignored.

TOTALIA:
I’m sorry no, there must be a mistake.
that isn’t why I came to you at all,
I came, I came because… I want to ask
I wanted to ask you to understand
that I, that we, that this whole thing’s too much.

THE YOUNG MAN:
(he lights another)
Oh I agree, it’s way too much indeed,
I say again, I don’t think that it’s fair,
But Like I said, No-one came asking me,
You’ll be living here with me for one month.
For that is what our parents have agreed.

TOTALIA:
But my Father said nothing about this.

THE YOUNG MAN:
He didn’t? But he must have said something,

TOTALIA:
He said if I came here, to you today,
You wouldn’t listen and you’d make demands,
Unreasonubble demands and they would show,
your people up for what you really are.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well, I assure you, he knew about this.
He made the deal himself, he seemed quite pleased.

TOTALIA:
He said I’d learn a lesson if I came.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well that is perhaps what your Father meant.
I’m sorry he did not make himself clear,
But all of this was arranged yesterday,
You only get to stay a month and then,
you’ll have to leave here, pregnancy or no

TOTALIA:
Pregnancy? you mean to say that I could…
No! this can’t be true, it cant, I wont, I…
You say my father knew all about this?

THE YOUNG MAN:
Knew about it?- It was his idea.

TOTALIA:
He said I’d learn how you treat human beans,
I’d learn a lesson, learn a lesson, yes!
But what a lesson! now I understand.
I told him many times how much we owe
the Reese-pon-Sybil, now I have to pay.
That must be why he went and engineered,
This impossible situation here.
He probbly thought that I would run away,
He’s always saying we should Run away.
But I tell him that that has been the root
of all the shame my famly bears today.
We ran away from problems in the past,
Instead of bean Reese-pon-Sybil like you.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well look, I don’t know what he meant or why,
But that’s the deal he made when he was here,
If you decide, it’s not your cup of tea,
and run away; then that’s alright by me.

TOTALIA:
Oh I’m not going anywhere, Oh no.
That probbly was his plan, But I’ll show him.
That Father’s can be taught a lesson too.
I can be just as pig-headed as he.
He made a deal with the Reese-pon-Sybils,
Okay then, I will show him here is one,
who understands the debt my people owe,
I’ll show him here is one who knows her place
Whose gratitude is genuine to those,
who saved the world when others closed their eyes.
explain my task in full, I will not fail.

THE YOUNG MAN:
You’re sure you wouldn’t rather run away?
I think that might be easier all round.

TOTALIA:
I say again, explain my task in full.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Your task? …okay well how should I begin?
As far as I know, what happens is this;
You have to live with me for one full month,
Sleep in my bed -and all that that entails,
And when the month is over; we’re both free,
and nobody’s obliged on either side.
I’m Sorry if all this comes as a shock.
It took me by complete surprise myself.

TOTALIA:
My Father really bonded me to this?
That for a whole month I am to live here?
and be a slave to you and warm your bed?

THE YOUNG MAN:
I say again, it wasn’t my idea.
Look maybe there’s a way out of all this,
I mean, after all- you weren’t even here.

TOTALIA:
No, no renegotiation now,
I told my Father no price is too high,
and he will see that I can keep my word.
Though this is quite a deal you must admit.
It’s true what wise and ancient Speidmunn said
‘With great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty comes power’

THE YOUNG MAN:
I wouldn’t believe everything you’ve heard about Speidmunn.
(pause)

TOTALIA:
They say he was friendly and neighbourhood.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well yes, he was, but also he was not.
I’m sorry I should introduce myself,
My name’s Organic, the Reese-pon-Sybil.
I live here with my grandfather and mom.

TOTALIA:
I’m called Totalia, it means complete.
I’m sorry, this still feels so very strange,
Should we shake hands? or How should I behave?
I’ve never met Reese-pon-Sybils before,
So do I kneel, or curtsy, do I bow?

THE YOUNG MAN:
Oh hardly, this is not Garbagerie,
Feel free to be informal as you like,
Our situations outside protocol,
Forget about all of that snotsense now.

TOTALIA:
But there’s a strict divide between our class.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well Speaking for myself, I wish the world
had far less class distinctions of this type.
For which of the ancients was it who said:
‘We all know
That peop-hole adder same where
raver you go.
there is gooden bat,
in everyone’

TOTALIA:
unwheel earn to live,
one wheel earn to give,
each udder what we need to serve five.

TOTALIA/THE YOUNG MAN(TOGETHER):
to get her alive’

TOTALIA:
‘her bunny and I furry’ by The Great Wonder,.. Oh I love that
poem!

THE YOUNG MAN:
Yeah me too. –Have you heard it set to music?

TOTALIA:
Why yes I have! Although I must confess I didn’t like it much.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Me neither!

TOTALIA:
Okay.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Okay.

TOTALIA:
Yes.

THE YOUNG MAN:
A bit more light!
(he lights another)
So er, have you luggage? I mean bags, d’you need me to carry
stuff?
Your Father said that you would bring some food.

TOTALIA:
But Everything we had, he gave to you.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Okay… well never mind, we’ve plenty here.

TOTALIA:
So how exactly do we start this thing?
Is there a uniform I have to wear?
Or do you like to keep your slaves in chains?

THE YOUNG MAN:
I don’t see why you have to talk snotsense,
It’s you who wanted to honour this deal,
of course you wont wear anything like that.
the deal said you just live here<

TOTALIA:
>in your room.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Or go outside or do whatever thing
you want to, honestly, I will not mind.
If you can read<

TOTALIA:
>I read>

THE YOUNG MAN:
< then there are books.
(pause)
I’m glad to hear you read, I read a lot.

TOTALIA:
My parents say I read too much<.

THE YOUNG MAN:
>mine too.
(pause)
But how can someone read too much?<

TOTALIA:
>For sure,
(pause)
You might as well say someone thinks too much.

THE YOUNG MAN:
My faml’y’s fond if telling me I do.

TOTALIA:
Then tell me what you thought about this deal.

THE YOUNG MAN:
I beg your pardon, what?<

TOTALIA:
> You think so much.
Well then, why don’t you tell me what you thought.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand what’s done is done.
I understand Reese-pon-Sybils have rights,
and people like myself have debts to pay.
In one way or another , I see that.
But tell me did you think that it was right.
To make a deal with someones flesh<-and bone?

THE YOUNG MAN:
>Why no,
I told you, I did not want this at all.
My flesh and bone’s in this agreement too.
But I also have rules I must obey.
My grandfather’s the most Reese-pon-Sybil,
Not only here, but for a hundred miles.
Unequal’d in both Crustiness and Hippiedom,
An Eco-war-your from the Bee-four time,
And so he outranks everyone there is,
Including Mother, and she outranks me.
So bay-sickly, I just do what I’m told.

TOTALIA:
So everyone owes someone; that is fair.
I’m glad to know that we are both in this,
because we are prepared to do what’s right,
It’s clearly then, our duty; not our choice.

THE YOUNG MAN:
I’m glad that you are glad, I truly am,
But for myself I cannot help but feel,
I’m not sure that I owe them all that much,
And maybe you don’t owe us anything!
The bee-four time was very long ago,
and very, very different from today.

TOTALIA:
But everything from then affects us now,
We can’t forget this whole world nearly died,
and would have died-if not for people who,
Like your Grandfather, tried to make a change.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Perhaps you’re right, but that’s not how I feel.
It seems to me, today there’s too much blame,
It seems to me that something isn’t right.

TOTALIA:
It’s only right that people should feel shame,

THE YOUNG MAN:
But tell me, how much shame and for how long?
Will this go on forever?-all this guilt?

TOTALIA:
Forever yes, and never be forgot.

THE YOUNG MAN:
And never be forgot, no matter what?

TOTALIA:
No matter what, of course it shouldn’t be.
(pause)

THE YOUNG MAN:
You’re not what I imagined<

TOTALIA:
>nor are you.
(pause)
THE YOUNG MAN (Embarrased)
You probbly had some expectations of
A Cats‘n’over guy, well that’s not me.

TOTALIA:
Oh that! well as I told you earl your on,
That side of things, it’s come as a surprise.
But If I had’ve known, what would I think?
I s’pose I’d think of someone more severe,
More Harsh, Judgemental, Cold: that sort of thing.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Yes, I am sure my mother fits the bill.(pause)

TOTALIA:
And what did you expect I would be like?

THE YOUNG MAN:
I thought the very worst if truth be told,
I thought that with my luck you’d probbly be,
The ugliest creature under the sun,
In spite of this, you’d have more looks than brains,
And breath that smelt so bad that I’d find myself,
Forever looking forward to your farts.
(da-dum! Tisshhhh)

TOTALIA:
If that’s what you expected here today,
I must be glad I come as a surprise,
Although it’s not much of a compliment.
And you have yet to smell my breath up close.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Why yes, that’s true! I never thought of that.

TOTALIA:
Speaking of which, perhaps we should begin.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Begin?<

TOTALIA:
I take it that some contact is required,
and I confess I have no real idea
But if we are to kiss, then we should kiss.

THE YOUNG MAN:
So you still want to go ahead with this?

TOTALIA:
As far as I can see, we have no choice.
Sooner or later, this stuff must be done,

THE YOUNG MAN:
I see your point, yes get it over with,
If we wait more, it might get harder still.
It’s Not exactly easy, all the same.

TOTALIA:
Well yes, now that it’s there in front of me.
The more we wait, the nervouser I get.
I’m worried that I might lose my resolve.
But no! No- I must do this, and that’s that.
If we just do it quickly, I’ll be fine.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Okay,
you’re right, will I go there or you come here?
(she moves to him)

THE YOUNG MAN:
Oh right, I’m sorry this is kinda strange.
Excuse me sorry which way do I put my
(They kiss)

THE YOUNG MAN:
Okay, Well that was that, I s’pose, what next?
I mean what now, not that, I mean what else,
Sorry I’m finding myself hard, it’s hard
I mean, to do this!- not myself, not hard
myself ,that isn’t what I meant. Myself.
(pause)
I need a minute, sorry, I’m too tense.
I think I’ve overdone it with theses lights.
(he starts to extinguish them)

TOTALIA:
I understand completely, it’s so weird.
I hope that was okay, the kiss, I mean.
I’m feeling tense myself, I wet, I WANT
I wonder can you show me where I sleep.
I haven’t had much food today, I’m tired
I need a lay, to be laid, I must lie,
down on a bed I think just for a while,
I feel suddenly tired, I don’t know why.

THE YOUNG MAN:
What? Okay yes! my bedroom is through here,
I’m sorry the bed isn’t very big.
but it is comfy, you can rest in there.

TOTALIA:
Thank you, I didn’t sleep at all last night,

THE YOUNG MAN:
Me neither, I was watching D—
I was watching an old book,- I don’t mean…
watching, reading, watching pages I mean,
That’s what I mean, look! you just go and sleep.

TOTALIA:
But if you didn’t sleep you must be tired.

THE YOUNG MAN:
I am a bit, but I’ll stay up some more,
Just go on in and have yourself a rest.

TOTALIA:
Oh you must get some sleep too, I insist!
I couldn’t put you out of your own bed.
(she takes him)
We’ll lie together, surely there is room.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Perhaps I could go in for a short nap.

TOTALIA:
Yes.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Yes.
( They exit with a candle/or lamp leaving one light onstage, THE
WOMAN ENTERS’)

THE WOMAN: (carrying lamp)
Organic my boy it’s time to get up!

THE YOUNG MAN:(off)
I’ll be out to you in just five minutes.

THE WOMAN:
Five minutes? what is the boy playing at?
I’ll give you five minutes you lazy strap,
The water should be pumped an hour ago!
(she exits towards the bedroom)
I’ll drag you out of bed, if I have to!



next bit of rubbish

A Load of Rubbish pt 2

The continuing online publication of 'A Load of Rubbish' a type of skit on: Restoration era theatre, PostApocalyptic Sci-Fi and environmental piety.
start at the beginnin'

THE YOUNG MAN:
Food in a tin!

THE OLD MAN:
That’s right.

THE WOMAN:
Oh I haven’t had food in a tin since I was a little
Girl!

THE YOUNG MAN:
I’m never had food from a tin, What’s it like Grandad?

THE OLD MAN:
I’m not sure I remember…

THE WOMAN:
It’s exquisite! It’s absolutely exquisite!
Oh We shall keep this for your wedding day!

THE YOUNG MAN:
And from a total Waster! I always thought
they had nothing, I mean total
Wasters are…< .

THE WOMAN:
>the poorest of the poor , Yes; all those
stories about Total starvation.…
Well this goes to show that they’re not
as poor as they make out.
Food-From-a-Tin! and paper!
What a day this has been; our fortunes
are looking up!
Here try this dog-fur coat!(he puts it on)
Oh what a fine young man you are! Oh-if
only there was someone you could
marry. You need a nice girl from a
Reese-pon-Sybil family, Oh but there
isn’t a Reese-pon-Sybil family with a
daughter for a hundred miles!

THE YOUNG MAN:
Granda what arrangement, I mean what did
you<

THE WOMAN:
Yes!> Why on earth did you agree to that
Mans’ scheme he’s already so wealthy
He forgets himself.
Now he plans to bring his daughter here.
for a whole month! Copulating with
the lower classes, it’s absolutely
animalistic!
I simply will not Tolerate<

THE YOUNG MAN:
Now look, I really think that I should have a THE WOMAN:
This disgraceful scheme, To even think of that man boasting to
all about his Reese-pon-Sybil grandchild,< It’s simply unheard of! Why I<

THE OLD MAN:
>Oh shut up and calm down the pair of you!>
Now listen, Just listen, Whatever happens, a child- if there is
one- shall be only ever really be half-Reese-pon-Sybil and
(addressing the Woman) no threat to your position. And (addressing
the Young Man) if it so happens that you don’t like her (He takes
out the Viagra and looks at it, smiles and pockets it again)
Well you don’t have to worry about it, I have a plan.

THE WOMAN:
Well you can understand the man’s ambition but…
Honestly Father it’s just so, so unusual!

THE OLD MAN:
Of Course it is!, there’s nothing wrong with unusual
y’know. It’s a sign of
somebody doing the right thing.

THE WOMAN:
Really!

THE OLD MAN:
Yes Really! All of the Responsibles, our
family, The Sandford family,
The Toweller family, even the Hofflers. Every
Responsible Family in the
province are descended from people that were unusual
at the time. Crusties
, Hippies and New Agers they were then.

THE WOMAN:
But Crustiness is a high honour, as is Hippiedom.

THE OLD MAN:
It is NOW, I tell you back then it meant the same as a
Total Waster.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Is that true?

THE WOMAN:
Of course it’s not, it can’t be.

THE OLD MAN:
I was there.

THE WOMAN:
Look I’ve heard all this before Father and I refuse to
believe it.
I know that wasters ran the world once,
And I’m sure that they feared and hated the
Reese-pon-Sybil, [who after all
were so right, when they were so wrong]
But you cannot deny that the Reese-pon-Sybil would have always had
Moral superiority.
Moral superiority shines out.
You can tell a Reese-pon-Sybil Family a mile away.
It’s in the way they walk, it’s in their eyes.
Natural authority radiates.
Accomplishment, a certain sense,a certain air …

THE OLD MAN:
An air of ‘I told you so’

THE WOMAN:
(pause) Precisely. And you did tell them so,
you did, and so did Mother.
(pause)

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well look, I’m sure all that stuff is great, but you
can’t treat me like this.
You can’t just farm me out to some girl I’ve never heard
of and<
THE OLD MAN:
Look if you don’t like her, don’t worry, I told you, I
have a plan.

THE YOUNG MAN:
But I don’t understand..

THE OLD MAN:
You don’t have to.

THE YOUNG MAN:
The great Wonder said; “If you believe in things thatcha
don’t on the stand,
then you suffer her;
…Superstition ate away”

THE OLD MAN:
You read too much.
THE WOMAN :
I’ve no idea what you’re thinking father,
No matter how much wealth that waster farmer seems to have
Amassed, we shouldn’t let him hold us to ransom like
this.
You seem determined to bring shame to this house,
Anyone would think you don’t want to be Reese-pon-Sybil,
(he glares at her)
(Pause.,She starts sorting through the disposables)Childrens Toys!

THE OLD MAN:
Well… You can keep them as a parting gift for our
visiting Wastergirl.

THE WOMAN:
And another bloody Glass bottle!
We must already have thousands!

THE OLD MAN:
Speaking of bottles, why don’t you go get me a full
one and hand me that pie…
( She EXITS with most if the Disposables, leaving the
pie and the DVD, THE YOUNG MAN sets about
distinguishing the Ceremonial lighting.
The DVD, the pie, and the Food tin are kept by the Old
man. He kisses the tin, The WOMAN returns and takes it
from him, and gives him a bottle
of milky looking beer, she leaves. Slowly, the old man
begins to weep.)

THE YOUNG MAN:
Grandad, are you alright?

THE OLD MAN:
Yes, Yes I’m fine… I was just thinking
about that tin… we’re rich aren’t we?

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well, after today, I’d say we were doing alright.

THE OLD MAN:
Doing alright? Doing alright ?
Everyone is starving. Everybody is grubbing along from
one famine to another and look at us! We dine on pigeon
pie! We have full bellies every night and we
don’t have to work! We have the Garbagerie!
We’re stinking rich!

THE YOUNG MAN
Your sad that we’re rich?

THE OLD MAN:
I’m sad because the richest family in the province
can’t believe their luck
when someone brings them dogfood.
There used to be a civilisation.
There used to be people wearing new clothes.
There used to be people smiling, having fun.
But now it just gets worse and worse each year,

THE YOUNG MAN:
But isn’t that it? the way things used to be was wrong.
I mean isn’t that what everybody says?
That people weren’t smiling, that people weren’t having
fun.
Not really.
That people were just angry and stupid.
Correct me if I’m wrong- I wasn’t there.
I read a lot about the bee-four-times.
Books say ‘C.V.-lies ay-shun’ was just Ads,
Ads to interrupt free flow of thought,
advertising things you didn’t need.
things that probbly then you’d throw away,
How can you miss this time?
I know that then there was much more to eat,
That things would grow, and there was icey caps,
The world was beautiful: old people say.
And You miss that, I under-stand, of course.
But the ‘C.V.-lies ay-shun’ didn’t work.
You and grandmother both rejected it,
You did the right thing, you must know it now.
A life of: ‘ Work and buy, pollute and die’,
It’s not society, it’s a cancer.
A Cancer that ate ev’rything you had.

THE OLD MAN:
Well thank you for the Hist’ry lesson boy.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Well then, is that the truth or do I lie?
You were alive then, so tell me the truth.
Is that it? or does Hist’ry have it wrong?

THE OLD MAN:
No your History books aren’t wrong and you don’t have it
wrong exactly, Not exactly, it’s just that, well you
don’t have it completely right either. It wasn’t a
Responsible…people weren’t… I don’t know…
so many rules now and your mother…
sure people might as well be living in Nazi Germany!

THE YOUNG MAN:
Where?

THE OLD MAN:
Never mind, something from my History lessons.
But you are right at least about something.
To live like parasites on fellow men,
is no type of ‘Civilisation’ at all.
(THE WOMAN re-enters with a notepad)
THE WOMAN :
Well what a day this has been,
Right well, I think with today’s takings combined with the rest of
the Garbageries held this week we are in a comfortable condition,
A very comfortable condition indeed. When the fines are paid we’ll
have another nine loaves, and today we’ll eat pie, then when we
sell the nets<
THE YOUNG MAN:
Nine loaves? What about the other twelve?

THE WOMAN:
What twelve?

THE YOUNG MAN:
The twelve you fined the total Waster!

THE WOMAN:
Don’t be ridiculous, we’ll never see them. I only gave
them that fine to make sure of it. We don’t want him coming back.
I’m making sure they keep the total ban.
They’ll run away: cos that’s what totals do.
Twelve loaves? Where would a total get twelve loaves?
–Everyone knows they’re starving! Now, let’s see…
tomorrow should be a good day too, but the harvests will end soon
and we should expect a little less after that.
Okay,
if we go mornings as well as afternoons and evenings, we’ll be
able to hold nine garbageries over the next three days, which
of course means blacking out the windows and more incense, and
that means we have work to do so<
THE OLD MAN:
I’m not doing it!

THE WOMAN:
Oh Father, don’t be being difficult now please,
the more Garbageries we stage for them:
the more they want to give. They have such guilt.
It’s just three mornings really; do you mind?
- I mean you just sit there!
nobody likes been stared at for hours at a time
Even with the masks on

THE OLD MAN:
> That’s all we do.

THE WOMAN:
Father?

THE OLD MAN:
We all just sit here, absorbing the guilt.
They do the work and then they come to us.
They strive and then they starve to keep us fed.
We are the parasites in this world now.
We have enough, is that not what you said?
Okay then lets cut these people some slack.
No Garbageries, let them eat their food.
No Garbageries for a month at least.

THE WOMAN:
You stubborn, childish, selfish, mean Old Man!
We are reese-pon-sybil, we are alone.
Are you aware that there is not one girl
fully Reese-pon-sybil for thirty miles?

THE OLD MAN:
And?

THE WOMAN:
Do you expect your Grandson to be a bachelor forever?
If he is ever to find a good wife,
We’ll need to search this country high and low
And you know father what that really means,
It means visits, long distances, expense.
Oh how can you be so such a selfish man?
It’s not enough that I live here alone,
Without a husband, looking after you,
But you would keep your Grandson here as well.
Of course we need much more than wasters do,
Our cost of living’s much greater than theirs.

THE OLD MAN:
Don’t gimme all that guff bout been alone,
I am alone too -ever think of that?
It’s not my fault that you were widowed young,
I told you that sick husband of yours wouldn’t last two winters,
But you had to marry ‘responsibly’ at all costs.
If you truly crave companionship, a young woman comes to live with
us tomorrow,
Who I’m sure will be grateful for any kindness you show …
THE WOMAN :
So you consider a Wasters’ Trollope a suitable companion for this
family? Is that fair to us, is it fair to her even?
Well this is the end! This is the absolute end! I try and I try
and then you stand there and …What gives you the right

THE OLD MAN:
You give me the right my dear. I’m Reese-pon-Sybil, or have you
forgotten?
I’m the oldest here and I am the most Responsible here. “With
great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty comes great power” and so says
Speidmunn who was by all accounts both friendly and neighbourhood.
I outrank you in both Crustiness and Hippiedom,
and I am your Father and you will do exactly as I say!
(she tries to stare him down)

THE WOMAN:
I only think of this family, that’s all I think of, my family.
Why, I don’t know, there’s no appreciation, never, there never has
been.
When I think of how I’m all alone,
When I think of all the work I’ve done for you, for you both
and of course disrespect is my only reward.
Well I should have known better. Well go ahead,
cancel the Garbageries, why don’t we starve altogether just like
when I was<
THE OLD MAN:
This is not a debate!
I have decided not to starve these people if I can help it.
This boy does not need marriage right away,
You said that we have food to last a month,
He’ll manage four more weeks without a wife.
Meantime, I’m leaving him in charge of stores.
I don’t like the way you’ve been doing things,
Your getting avaricious daughter dear,
(She stamps her feet in impotent rage and storms out)

THE YOUNG MAN:
A month is a long time,and I’ve never managed the stores
before, what if we end up being properly hungry?

THE OLD MAN:
We wont be more hungry than anyone else around here.
I’ll say it again, Nine times out of ten,
Doing the right thing often makes you poor.
I wish that I could make you understand,
that right or wrong, is not how we are born,
But what we do ourselves that really counts.
Your Mother doesn’t get that but it’s true.
Everything is black and white to her,
But life is more complicated than that.
Like when you talk about the bee-four-time,
You’re right, but you are also so so wrong,
There’s a reason I put you in charge of stores...
(he looks around warily)
some-one brought come-pewter in last week.
For disposal, do you remember it?
A laptop?

THE YOUNG MAN:
no good laptop pewter made of plastic.
But Feck’n’Plastic’s made from awkward’s height

THE OLD MAN:
Was it destroyed?

THE YOUNG MAN:
No it wasn’t

THE OLD MAN:
And why not?

THE YOUNG MAN:
It was plastic and made from awkward’s height,
But it still has a power- What did mum say?
A power in the tree and in the tree,
The tree had something to do with the bats
I can’t remember now-it made no sense.

THE OLD MAN:
She said there is power in the Bat Tree.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Power in the Bat Tree, that’s what she said.
And That’s why we did not know what to do
Laptop is pewter and ‘pewters: bad m’kay?’
But then again , we say ‘waste is a sin’.
energy was in the bat tree, I think.

THE OLD MAN:
And even though pewters are forbidden,
it wasn’t destroyed? It’s still in the store?
Isn’t it?

THE YOUNG MAN:
Yes.

THE OLD MAN:
Right, (looks around) What is DVD?

THE YOUNG MAN:
A deeveedee is plastic awkward’s height.
you cant recycle deeveedees at all.

THE OLD MAN:
What else?

THE YOUNG MAN:
Stories, some people say inside-stories,
Badness Hollywood Bollywood stories,
Distractions, distractions, watched by wasters,
Helped people forget about the real world.
About the issues. Like… ‘the Telly’.
Part of the problem, not the solution.

THE OLD MAN:
What if I told you that your grandmother had quite a
Dvd collection?

THE YOUNG MAN:
But my grandmother was Reese-pon-Sybil.

THE OLD MAN:
Yes, she was, she was indeed, my boy, she…
If anyone had true Responsibility
She…
She had DVDs, and used leck-trissity to watch them.
National Geographic, David Attenborough
Stories about the world.
Stories that told the true magic of life.
It wasn’t just wasters who watched’em boy
Listen, The point i'm trine to make is this;
" A DVD is plastic awkward shite.
you cant recycle DVDs at all.
'Cause plastic’s a blah blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah,"
All that is true, but let me tell you now,
A DVD could also be a book,
And tell you things, you otherwise wont know.
a DVD needs leck-trick, that is true.
And Watching DVD breaks sacred law,
But aren't you curious about the truth?
(He reveals the DVD)

THE YOUNG MAN:
(admonishing) Grandfather!

THE OLD MAN:
read it.

THE YOUNG MAN:
But Grandfather...

THE OLD MAN:
Just read it.

THE YOUNG MAN:
(reading) Spider....Man

THE OLD MAN:(raises eyebrows)

THE YOUNG MAN:
Spider....Man.....
Spider....Man It's just snotsense, A spider isn't a
man.
It's deeveedee, it's empty, it's Hollywood.
It's plastic.
" A Deeveedee is plastic awkward ‘s height.
you cant recycle deeveedees at all."
Spider....Man.....
Spider....Man

THE OLD MAN:(smiles)

THE YOUNG MAN:
Speidmunn? Is this a story of Speidmunn the ancient?
“Neighbourhood as well as friendly?”
“With great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty comes Great Power!”
This has something to do with him doesn't it!

THE OLD MAN:
Something, Yes.

THE YOUNG MAN:
And he wears a mask....As WE do in the Garbagerie,
Is Spiderman ancient Speidmunn, the teacher?
Was he the very first Reese-pon-Sybil?
What is the inside-story in this disc?

THE OLD MAN:
‘All our entertainment must be live’
are you tempted to break the sacred law?

THE YOUNG MAN:
No.

THE OLD MAN:
As soon as you open the laptop’s lid,
The big round button turns the laptop on.
The DVD disc slides into the side.
You move the little white arrow that flies,
And hold it over ‘DVD player’
And Then, you press the button called ’return’.

THE YOUNG MAN:
I’ll do nothing of the sort!
deeveedee is plastic awkward ‘s height and
‘All our entertainment must be live’
I don’t know what it is you’re thinking grandfather,
This deeveedee must be destroyed at once.

THE OLD MAN:
(sighs)As you feel you must.

THE YOUNG MAN:
What is it with you and this deeveedee?
Is this because you miss the bee-four-time?
all the old people miss the bee-four-time.
I must admit I can’t imagine why,
If this is something you feel you must do,
I promise not to tell about your crime,
You were an eco war-your after all,
The most Reese-pon-Sybil for miles and miles.
if you must break the law it’s your affair,
But please don’t drag me into it as well.

THE OLD MAN:
‘All our entertainment must be live’
is a good law that keeps musicians fed,
and people happier than they would be,
back in the days of karaoke clubs.
It’s also true that old people like me,
Need no reminders of the world we miss,
To come-pear with the squalor we have now.
For those like me, the law is only kind.
Maybe your right, and deeveedee is bad.
(picks up the skull)
I don’t know, but if you do seek the truth,
As your Grandmother, bless her, always did,
no matter how unpleasant it might be…
(puts it back)Well look, it’s up to you, I’m going to bed.
You ask so many questions, I just thought.
You’d find at least some of your answers here,
I should have guessed, you’d be like all the rest,
Of course, your far happier not to know.

THE YOUNG MAN:
Goodnight Grandfather.
The Total Waster and his daughter Totalia are ’outside’ the
Garbagerie. Inside or somehow out of their view, sits the Young
Man ‘Organic’ watching the screen of a laptop computer. In an
ideal world this would be the only electronic lighting effect in
the whole play. The Laptop should remain silent during the
dialogue between Totalia and her Father, but the sound may rise
after the end of their argument. It should be the End credits of
‘Spiderman the movie’, or at least the same piece of music.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Fucking Hippies, bunch of bloody thieves!
That deeveedee, the paper, everything!
Now I can say that I’ve enjoy’d first hand,
The Gratitude of the Reese-pon-Sybil,
I did ‘the right thing’ – gave them all I had,
and then they fined me for bringing them gifts!

TOTALIA:
Hippiedom’s a source of great honour,Father.
Deeveedees and tinned food are forbidden.
Evr’ything we had was against the law!

THE TOTAL WASTER:
For years and years I’ve kept that tin of food,
Even when we had the total starvation.
On the black market, tinned food is like gold.
But you insisted I give it away,
And now we have been fined, all thanks to you!

TOTALIA:
I’m sure when we explain they’ll understand.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
That’s proof that you know nothing of this world.
You’ll Tell them ‘Sorry, we cant pay the fine’,
And they’ll demand an even higher price.

TOTALIA:
We’ll always be in debt to those who were,
Reese-pon-Sybil enough to save the world,

THE TOTAL WASTER:
If we have nothing, and they have plenty
Why should we feed’em and then starve ourselves?

TOTALIA:
We owe the Reese-pon-Sybil more than food!
We owe to them; we owe them for, the world.
The world , from pole to pole and sea to sea,

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Reese-pon-Sybils are saints, that’s what you think,
But you don’t realise that they don’t care.
That all they’ll do is shout and call you names,
I told you at the start, they hate us here.

TOTALIA:
I’ll just explain that we can’t pay the fine,
We need more time that’s all, they’ll understand.
Or maybe I could work for them until,
The fine of twelve loaves is considered paid.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
If you say ‘we can’t pay’ they’ll ask for more,
And nothing you can do will be too much,
And still they’ll hate you, whatever you do.

TOTALIA:
How will people ever respect us then,
if we cannot behave rees-pon-sibly.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I’ve tried to tell you time and time again.
There’s only one way to open your eyes:
You want to learn this lesson, go ahead.
Experience Reese-pon-Sybil-itty,
Learn it first hand, the most instructive way,
You go ahead and bow to them, go do!
Just try, and see what they demand of you.
Find out yourself what Reese-pon-sybil means.
And how they treat their fellow human-beans!
(he exits)
The music rises on the Lap top computer. Totalia approaches
Organic, tentatively with lamp.

TOTALIA:
What on earth is this strange sound?-Hi, Hello!
(He closes it quickly, hopefully becoming plunged in darkness)

THE YOUNG MAN:
Garbagerie is closed! Do-not-disturb!

next bit of rubbish

A Load of Rubbish pt 1

A bit of an old chestnut this, dated pretty quickly.
Oh well...

CHARACTERS

THE WOMAN
A Stern Battle-axe of a woman in her
forties, with a mean spirit and an
avaricious nature.

THE OLD MAN
A old man, with an air of Roguery.

THE YOUNG MAN
An earnest young teenager.

TOTALIA
An earnest young teenager in female form.

THE SAD WASTER
A male, forties, terrified of everything.
(possible Totalia double-up)

THE BIG WASTER
A self-made man with a mean spirit and an
avaricious nature.

THE TYPICAL WASTER
Any age gender, race or type can fill this
role(possible The Big Waster double-up)

THE TOTAL WASTER
A male, forties with a negative outlook.

THE BIG WASTERS DAUGHTER.
Teenage girl who makes dreadful sobbing
sounds.
(possible Total Waster double-up)

COSTUME
Waster clothing should indicate that all clothes are hand-made or
much repaired. For the ceremony, the three central characters who
embody the garbagerie, should wear capes, collars and masks.
To add pomp and theatricality, they should be operatic in scale,
and would ideally be the result of very creative use of modern
disposable items and recognisable household objects,paper cups,
disposable razors, mobile phone covers e.t.c.

Also worth bearing in mind, for these three characters and their
ceremonial,(and casual) costume, are their personalities and
position within the garbagerie.

THE OLD MAN is the absolute
patriarch and Costume designers
should think of Zeus, or the
big bearded old testament God,
for his ceremonials. Underneath
his cape and mask, he should
wear a faded version of
whatever teenagers are wearing
these days.


His second in command is THE
WOMAN.

THE WOMAN is very much
the M.C. of the Garbagerie and
should require more freedom of
movement. Her speaking should
be very clear and her outfit
dramatic. Underneath her
Ceremonials, she should retain
some of the over-decoration
and stiffness, and perhaps not
remove her collar, Ideally she
should remind audiences of
queen elisabeth.

THE YOUNG MAN (who is the most
plain and honest in character
and also lowest down in the
heirarchy,) should wear a
simpler version of ceremonials,
and underneath, something black
and plain-ish. He should remind
a theatre audience of Hamlet.

SETTING
The play takes place in the family home, which is also used for
the ‘GARBAGERIE’ ceremony;

LIGHTING
Energy poverty is a huge aspect
of the world of the play. And
so the use of energy in the
staging is important. Ideally,
the only electrical source of
light should be the laptop
computer in the second act.
The play should begin in utter
darkness.

THE GARBAGERIE
The Garbagerie is a quasilegal
/religious ceremony (An
eco-driven Spanish Inquisition
of sorts). In blackness, The
three main characters adorn a
kind of stepped-plinth,( like a
formula 1 ,first/second/third
thing but smaller)- with the
old man (possibly-seated ) at
the highest position, the woman
next, and the Young man
furthest down . Ideally,
lighting should come from
candle lanterns and other nonelectric
sources, through the
rose window.

(In Blackness)
TOTALIA:
I think it’s starting.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
No, not yet.

TOTALIA:
Why is everybody gone quiet?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
They think it’s started.
I don’t think it has though…
No this is just the pre-amble.
Fucking Hippies!, what’s their problem with DVD’s?
What ever happened to a night in,- in front of the video?
Oh no, these people don’t want that at all.
All their entertainment must be live!
‘All our entertainment must be live’
Everything has to be about the issues.

TOTALIA:
It’s not for us to tell them what to do.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
‘The things I do for you’ that’s all I’m sane,
that’s all I’m sane. They’re mad. The lot of them.
Light the lamp.(He lights the lamp and looks around)
A sorry-lookin’ bunch I have to say.
I bet Most of these wasters here do not
want to be here any more than I do.
All of the really smart ones stayed at home.
How did you talk me into doin’ this?
I’ne Probbly gonna be here half the night.

TOTALIA:
You promised that you’d come and you’d behave.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Oh I’ll behave, you have to, don’t you… yeah?
At this sort of thing, ev’ryone behaves.
Too many people looking down their noses at you to begin with.
I might just be a total fool, I know.
But I know what to do, and I’ll behave.
And you promised you’d leave before it starts,

TOTALIA:
But<

THE TOTAL WASTER:
>risky, -pulling off a stunt like this.
An probably gonna blow up in me face.
It’s risky- much too risky for you love.
I’ve Two words for you listen: ’Total Ban,’
We’re already been stared at as it is…

TOTALIA:
You won’t forget the lines of protocol?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Go on will you? I wont forget my lines.
I don’t have much to say here anyway.

TOTALIA:
Okay, I’ll see you later then okay?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
You will, you know you will, just like we ‘ranged.

TOTALIA:
You’re sure you’ll be okay? Are you okay?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I’m not okay, I’m nervous and shit-scared,
I’ll be okay as soon as you go on.
So go on home now , I have ev’rything.
In a few more minutes everybody in this room is going to realise
that I’m a Total waster.
when that happens- I don’t want you around.
(a gong sounds)
Oh crap, it’s starting, go! Skedaddle! Scram!

TOTALIA:
Love you, and dad, -your doing the right thing.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I love you too my girl. Go on madame,

TOTALIA:
Bye then >

THE TOTAL WASTER:
< Yeah bye. I mean it, start walking.

( TOTALIA leaves)
I hope for my own sake, the girl is right.
I hope these people see me as a friend,
Great Wonder! please protect me, here tonight.
Please make it so it works out In the end.

(a gong sounds)

THE WOMAN:
Garbagerie is now in session here.

(a gong sounds)

THE TYPICAL WASTER,SAD WASTER,
THE BIG WASTER and TOTAL WASTER enter.
THE TYPICAL WASTER Bows to THE OLD MAN
THE WOMAN and then THE YOUNG MAN.

THE WOMAN
Come here I want you…waster that you are.
He bows before THE WOMAN a second time.

THE WOMAN:
You are a waster, tell me, what are you?

THE TYPICAL WASTER:
I am a waster.

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the garbagerie, Why?

THE TYPICAL WASTER:
I have brought Items for disposal.

THE WOMAN:
Pray tell us what it is that you have brought?

THE TYPICAL WASTER:
I have brought seventeen bottles.

THE WOMAN:
These bottles: are they GLASS or PLASTIC please?

THE TYPICAL WASTER:
Fifteen are glass and two are plastic.

THE WOMAN:
I see. (declaiming)
Glass was once sand and can be glass again,
And bless-ed glass is always welcome here.
But Feck’n’plastic’s made from awkward’s height.
Recycling plastic’s a pain in the hull.
Plastic is cursed. We don’t want plastic here.
The Glass is good, The plastic: not as good,
We Axe-ept your recycling ,You can go.
(a gong sounds)
He leaves. The second waster appears, a man. he bows as did the
waster before.

THE WOMAN:
You are a waster, tell me, what are you?

SAD WASTER:
I am a waster.

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the garbagerie: Why?

SAD WASTER:
I have brought Items for disposal. .

THE WOMAN:
Pray tell us what it is that you have brought.

SAD WASTER:
I have brought some children’s toys that I thought
might…

THE WOMAN:
(irritated but trying to hide it)
You think we can recycle Childrens toys?

SAD WASTER:
(unwrapping them like precious valuables)
A dolls head with both it’s eyes,
and a small plastic car.

THE WOMAN:
A car? of plastic? that is what you bring?

SAD WASTER:
Yes
(Pause he realises he has made a terrible mistake)
I mean no, I mean it’s just a toy.

THE WOMAN:
A Plastic toy, or do my ears deceive?

SAD WASTER:
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
The doll’s head that is plastic, is it not?

SAD WASTER:
(completely defeated)
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
But Feck’n’plastic’s made from awkward’s height,
Recycling plastic’s a pain in the hull.
Plastic is curs’d. We don’t want plastic here.
So why bring plastic to Garbagerie?

SAD WASTER:
My…My…

THE WOMAN:
Yes?

SAD WASTER:
My child died, last, last, last summer.
My wife she’s…
My wife…
Forgive us!
My wife has been hiding these things and I…
and I…
I told her it was wrong.
Other children can play…
Can play with these things and waste…
waste is a sin.

THE WOMAN:
Waste is a sin, that is a sacred truth.

SAD WASTER:
So I have brought them here.

THE WOMAN:
Your arrogance is outstanding waster!
(declaiming)
You bring your plastic here to us today,
And Feck’n’plastic’s made from awkward’s height,
Recycling plastic’s a pain in the hull.
Plastic is curs’d: we don’t want plastic here.
(to waster)
Disposal is refused: You’re fined… Three loaves
You’ll Bring them to us here within five days.
Your time with us has ended, You can go.

SAD WASTER:
I have…Forgive me!
I have one other item…
I swear I didn’t know she had it but.
You see my wife she’s
Well… old fashioned I mean
She wasn’t before
The child was sick.
it was a sick child
We had already lost one and.
Well she bought something for the baby.
because it was sick.
I forbid her to use it of course.
I have brought it for disposal.

THE WOMAN:
You said you had two items, that was it.
And now it seems You’ve broken protocol.

SAD WASTER:
I am so ashamed of it..it…it..
It’s ’meddysin*’.
(*pronounced med-EEE-sin to rhyme with ‘get Keith in’ perhaps
think of the pronunciation of Medici , m’deeSIN)

THE WOMAN:
(Genuine shock) Meddysin*?

SAD WASTER:
Yes…meddysin.

THE WOMAN:
Meddy-sin* is the worst of all the sins.(Declaiming)
Meddy-sin*’s drugs and drugs are badumkay!
Meddy-sin* is the worst of all the sins!
The enemy of purity and strength,
Meddy sin* did destroy the nat’ral balance,
Meddy sin* kept the weak and sick alive,
Meddy sin* put too many in the world.
( to waster) You swear that it was never ever used?

SAD WASTER:
I swear on the grave of my child we did not even
open it!

THE WOMAN:
Show me, and we will soon see if you lie.
(He hands her a packet)

THE WOMAN:
Vay-grawh…vygrawh… that isn’t even words.
It seems at least as if you tell the truth.
This box is full, the seal remains intact.
You haven’t used it I am glad to see.
(declaiming)
Meddysin* was a plague in oldentime.
Reese-pon-Sybil-itty demands that we
Dispose of meddy-sin responsibly
You acted wisely coming to us here.
Your wife should never buy such things again.
However honestly you come today,
Your wife has sinned the sin of meddy sin,
And so example will be made of her.
(The Old Man Whispers to her ear, her face grows angrier)

THE WOMAN:
Your wife is very fortunate indeed.
It seems she shant be punished after all.
Do not expect such luck another time.
Of course,-Your fine of three fresh loaves
still stands,
The meddysin will be destroyed today.
You’ll go. and don’t forget to pay your fine.
( He leaves, she whispers something to the Old Man,
a gong sounds, The third waster enters- he is the’ Arthur
Daley/del-boy’ of this world ,the type of shameless entrepeneur
that is known in Cork as a ’cute hoor’ his costume should be a
resplendent version of what all the other wasters are wearing, he
bows as did the others, although So obsequiously as to be almost
arrogant.)

THE WOMAN:
Come here I want you,- Waster that you are.
You are a waster, tell me, what are you?

THE BIG WASTER:
I am a waster.

THE WOMAN:
You’ve come here to the garbagerie, why?

THE BIG WASTER:
I have brought items for disposal.

THE WOMAN:
Pray tell us What it is that you have brought?

THE BIG WASTER:
(proudly)I brought two barrels of butter.
I brought
eighteen loaves of good bread. I brought
fourteen pigeon pies;
All made today and still warm. . I have brung five
flasks of wine in
earthy-ware jugs.

THE WOMAN:
Low-cally made? This butter, bread and wine?

THE BIG WASTER:
Low-cally made.

THE WOMAN:
And these winebeakers? are they ‘low-call’ made?

THE BIG WASTER:
yes.

THE WOMAN:
Good food, and fresh, and all low-cally made.

THE BIG WASTER:
good harvest again, I’ve more than enough,
and waste is a sin.

THE WOMAN:
Waste is a sin. that is a sacred law.
(pause)

THE BIG WASTER:
I have also for disposal a fine winter coat,-never
worn. what is made out of Dog fur.
I look upon it as a vestment. (pause)
low-cally made and re-usable.

THE WOMAN:
Re-usable and low-cally made too,
All for disposal here with us today.
(pause)

THE BIG WASTER:
I have also for disposal two fishing nets… low-cally
made and reusable.

THE WOMAN:
Butter and bread and pie and wine and now
a new fur coat and fishing nets times two.
All for disposal here with us today.

THE BIG WASTER:
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
I see.

THE BIG WASTER:
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
For disposal.
(pause)
And could it be conceivable that you,
came here not only for disposal, but:
perhaps with a request, could that be true?
Tell me, is it cynical to wonder,
If there is something we can do for you?

THE BIG WASTER:
Oh Ten queue! Ten queue!

THE WOMAN:
Your gratitude is groundless I’m afraid.
We act with full Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.
We’ve granted nothing, we have shown restraint.
Do you know the clever words of Speidmunn?

THE BIG WASTER:
Speidmunn? I am not an educated man… a farmer
Don’t have time.

THE WOMAN:
Speidmunn was one of the ancients who said:
(declaiming)
that With A Great Reese-pon-Sybil-itty
comes A Great Power’.That is what he said.
(to Waster)
That is why the Reese-pon-Sybil rule.

THE BIG WASTER:
I getcha….err…madam.

THE WOMAN:
Perhaps you disagree with old Speidmunn-
Of whom all those who studied him have said
was both friendly and also neighbourhood?

THE BIG WASTER:
I don’t know anthing. He was if you say he was.

THE WOMAN:
Tell me now, what were your people, waster?

THE BIG WASTER:
My family records are humble, they are not high up
like what yours are.

THE WOMAN:
That much is plain to see, I am not blind.
I hardly think that if it were the case,
that you came from Reese-pon-Sybil-itty,
you’d be here two-day with your pigeon pie,
off-loading guilt with nets and wine and bread!
Of course your records show a waster line!
But which type of low family is yours,
The scandalised, the greedy or the dull?
How wasteful were they in the Bee-four-time?

THE BIG WASTER:
Well mean to say, nothing special,
Only like normal like.<

THE WOMAN:
We Axe-ept your disposal here in full,
But not knowing your past we cannot grant<

THE BIG WASTER:
I come from Dell workers!

THE WOMAN:
(pause, she is amused)
Dell workers?

THE BIG WASTER:
Yes.

THE WOMAN:
The Dell workers? so that’s it! From the Dell?,
there’s precious little shame to feel in that,-
My own Late husband’s parents worked there too
to raise the price of their organic farm,
There’s nothing wrong with working in the Dell,
except that they made Pewters all day long.
But what about recycling, what of that?
How did your people manage their own waste?
(He raises his head).
What about glass, al-minny-omme and tins?

THE BIG WASTER:
(rising pride)
Glass and minny-omme since 1995 madam.

THE WOMAN:
Really? (pause)
By hand or did they use recycling bags?

THE BIG WASTER:
Oh Most of it was just recycling bags…
But that in fairness- warnt really their fault.
I mean they didn’t know the companies were just
dumping the bags…
nobody did.

THE WOMAN:
Then how is it The Reese-pon-Sybil knew?
(pause)
What about foodtins?

THE BIG WASTER:
Since 2001, it took that long before you could do it:
Mean to say. before that, there warnt nowhere to take
them.

THE WOMAN:
They bought them KNOWING they’d be used just once.

THE BIG WASTER:
I spose so.

THE WOMAN:
Not Reese-pon-Sybil. No. By any means.

THE BIG WASTER:
My family have never claimed Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.
(pause)
You come today to the garbagerie.
A waster comes to the Reese-pon-Sybil,
You want something that we can do for you,
Make your request and put it briefly please.

THE BIG WASTER:
I wish permy-shone for repo-duck-shone,
Mean to say,I would like a grandchild.

THE WOMAN:
An Extra child is forbidden by law.

THE BIG WASTER:
Yes madam, You see<

THE WOMAN:
How many grandchildren have you right now?

THE BIG WASTER:
Well now, to tell the truth, I don’t have none.

THE WOMAN:
None?

THE BIG WASTER:
None.

THE WOMAN:
How many children, There should be just one.

THE BIG WASTER:
Just One, a daughter, her mother’s gone…she’s all I
do have in this world.

THE WOMAN:
But then why do you need our permie-shone?
The Law entitles wasters to one child.
That child, may then have one child for themselves.
If, as you claim. Your daughter’s all you have.
Then she can have one child, should she desire.

THE BIG WASTER:
That’s the thing I want to talk about.

THE WOMAN:
Then come now Waster, what is your request?
Come out with it. waste nothing ;even time.

THE BIG WASTER:
I would wish.
I would ask for.
Mean to say.
‘I most omm-belly wreak-west...#

THE WOMAN:
Just tell us what it is you want from us?

THE BIG WASTER:
I want a grandchild what has.
Who was part of.
I do want a grandchild with a degree.
With a degree of Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.

THE WOMAN:
Just what are you suggesting here today?

THE BIG WASTER:
Well what if she moved in with yee a while?
She’s not a bad looking girl an two young people,
And then I could say after: ‘My grandchild’s got
Reese-pon-sible blood’ I’d be pure proud…
Who’se not gonna be delighted to say
he do have a half-reese-pon-sible grandson…

THE WOMAN:
(horrified) DO YOU DARE<

THE BIG WASTER:
Or grand-daughter.
I’ne not sayin nothing about Marraige,
Were too low for that, I know that.
I’ne just sane only that I have a daughter.
A healthy girl.
She has always been; and now she’s a healthy woman.
I am sure that if.
If they were only to spend the enough time together
I am sure…D’you get what I’ne sayin?
Your whole fam’ly is Reese-pon-Sybil and have always
been…
You don’t know what it means to a man like me...
If I were to have the pride of Reese-pon-Sybil-itty.
It would be the type of thing….Mean to say…

THE WOMAN:
Oh I can quite Imagine, yes indeed!.
I’ve never heard the like in my born days!
Are you an idiot, insane or mad?
Reese-pon-Sybil-itty is not for you.
My son is not a bullock kept to breed.
This garbagerie isn’t a stud farm.
No! This Insane request must be denied<

THE OLD MAN:
One moment! Lets go over this again.
You say your daughter’s good-looking and young?
(The BIG WASTER nods empathically)
And you want her to come and live with us,
And lie down with a Responsible male,
And hopefully get pregnant, yes? –that’s right?
So you can say you’re grandson or daughter,
Is half-responsible?- am I correct?

THE BIG WASTER:
Mean to say- t’wood cost you knottin’

THE OLD MAN:
Well if you’re sure that this is what you want…
Then very well, We shall grant your request.

THE WOMAN:
Father! I cannot believe you can mean it.

THE OLD MAN:
I mean it, she can stay here for a month.
Tomorrow bring the girl, and one months food.

THE WOMAN:
I, I, I, I, I,

THE BIG WASTER:
Oh Ten queue, ten queue.

THE WOMAN:
(long pause, the woman bristles with impotent rage. Finally)
Your favour has been granted,_You may leave…
(GONG)
Come here I want you, Waster that you are.
You are a waster, tell me, What are you?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I am a total waster.

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the garbagerie. Why?
Excuse me did you say total waster?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Yes

THE WOMAN:
My word. can it be true, a total, here?
This seems a day for people with no shame.
This truly is impertinence indeed!
Are you aware that you’re unwelcome here?
Your kind have been denied garbagerie.
A total never will be welcome here.
A total is not welcome anywhere.
Total stupidity. That’s what this is.
I’ve heard of much inbreeding in your tribe.
you have no right to come to us today.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Look… I know all that just… My daughter, My daughter
convinced me that the…
maybe the time has come for total wasters to obey the
rules, Just like everybody else…

THE WOMAN:
It’s really much too late now, don’t you think?
The world your people made can’t be unmade.
There is not now, and never will there be,
any such thing as Total forgiveness.
I don’t believe in Total forgiveness.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
Yes, Listen, I apologise… I didn’t mean… look I wont
come back I can see this was… Look I’ll go.
I told her it was a mistake, I told she’d be better
off to keep that tin of tin of dog-food for her weddin

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the Garbagerie, Why?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I don’t… I’m sorry… What?

THE WOMAN:
You have come to the Garbagerie, Why?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I…I… I have brought items for disposal.

THE WOMAN:
Pray Tell us what it is that you have brought.

THE TOTAL WASTER
I have brought two reams of recycled paper and a
deeveedee and, and I have brought a tin of dog food.

THE WOMAN:
You bring deeveedee to garbagerie.
(declaiming)
‘All our entertainment must be live’
A deeveedee is plastic awkward ‘s height.
you cant recycle deeveedees at all.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I do apologise we haven’t and we didn’t know

THE WOMAN:
You come to us with Dog Food in a tin.
(declaiming)
A shameless waster brings food in a tin,
Food in a tin, the total wasters creed!
Conveen-yince food- they won’t cook for themselves!
A deeveedee, the enemy of thought.
‘All our entertainment must be live’
(talking)Your presence here defiles this sacred place,
A total waster gets no favours here,
We will not entertain any requests.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
I have no request, I came here only to please my
daughter, She believes<

THE WOMAN:
Your ancestors are scum who killed the world.
Total Wasters! Lowest of the low!
were they in advertising? or perhaps,
Executives, or oil barons, who cares?

THE TOTAL WASTER:
My family were<

THE WOMAN:
obscene! as no doubt your connections are,
How dare you come to us today and think,
That we would ever tolerate you here.
I am disgusted more than I can say.
(declaiming)
A total Waster walks among us here!
Mark his bad blood, and mark his scheming eyes!
Tinned food and deeveedees, are what he brings,
He comes to us with sinful, pointless, height.
(talking)
For daring to attempt disposal here
You’re fined the sum of twelve loaves of fresh bread
Disposal is refused and you can go,
Return to this Garbagerie no more.
Just bring your fine and leave it at the gates.
You must never come back to us Total,
And utter sacred words of protocol.
A Total ban’s in operation here.
(THE TOTAL WASTER begins to pick up the items)

THE WOMAN:
Stop that at once and leave them where they are,
Disposal is refused, but still I feel,
A total waster can’t manage his waste.
For We were part of the solution and ,
You were part of the problems we face.
We were Reese-pon-Sybil, and we still are,
Go get the loaves and leave your waste behind.

THE TOTAL WASTER:
But Twelve loaves! Where can I possibly…

THE WOMAN:
Do you dare to ignore the protocol?
Observe the famous Total disregard!
Get out at once and bring back twelve good loaves!
(She looks at THE OLD MAN, he shakes his head)

THE WOMAN:(declaiming)
Garbagerie is ended for today
Be on your way and Please do not disturb!
(A Gong.)
( Any remaining Wasters leave, There is a pause while the young
man checks that the coast is clear, The music that has been
playing ceases. All three hurriedly remove their masks and capes,
[ perhaps storing them in the throne]
The THE OLD MAN pockets the Viagra and picks up the tin and
stares at it while everyone is speaking at once:)

THE YOUNG MAN: Does anybody want to tell me just what the hell is going on around here? What’s all this about that guys daughter?

THE WOMAN: I cant believe it. never in my days, To come in here bare-faced and, It’s a disgrace. It’s sacrilege

THE OLD MAN: Calm down, just everybody Calm down, calm down, everybody, Look! Look! Food in a tin!

next bit of rubbish

Hi diddle de dee!

Well we went back to Clonmel and played our tragic tale once again to a higher but by no means incalculable number of patrons.

They gave us many compliments, many compliments indeed, and so I need hardly point out that they were a particularly discerning audience of unparalleled good taste.

Next week we'll be in Cork, but for the moment, I am as idle as the superannuated man. The end of ' Five kinds of Silence ' is in sight and I'm already grasping desperately around for some project to distract my brain and fill up my empty existence as soon as 'Five' is kindly silenced permanently.

I had hoped that the act of simply being in the room with an audience might give me an idea or two but so far, nada; nor have my e-mails R.E. Bloomsday in Oslo born fruit and so.... what to do, what to do?

I did have an idea before to organise a performance of 'The Beckett Lebowski' where nine characters ( trapped inside bowling pins in a similar fashion to the three people trapped in urns in Samuel Beckett's ' play' ) would act out all the dialogue of the Coen Brothers film: I love the way that phrases (beginning with George Bush Snr's "this aggression will not stand") reverberate from conversation to conversation in a constant language-echo-effect that I thought would suit the Beckett treatment,— but now that a chap has brought out a Shakespearean re-working of the fillum, well, The Beckett Lebowski looks like a load of copycat crapola.

The fact that Two Gentlemen of Lebowski is really quite well-written and works way-way better than my malformed idea does nothing to help matters.

Nothing at all.

Here's a sample where Sir Walter of Poland entreats Jack Smoke to "Mark it Zero":


Nay! I do protest, and draw my sword;
It shall teach thee to disobey my word.
Mark none but none into that bowler’s frame,
Else thou shalt enter to a world of pain.
A world of pain, think upon’t; unhappy world!
A lake of fire, rich with damnèd souls,
Gulfs of anguish ‘twixt vales of agonies.
Mark me; we stand at twisted, jealous gates
Of cast-iron, above which, in vulgar tongue, reads

“Here is a world of pain, thou enterest thus.”

My steel before thee, ‘tis the last of keys
I' faith, could lock these doors, and keep thee
From this world of pain, or with one flick
Ope its mashing maw, and summon winds
To cast thee down within; an excellent key!
Farewell to earthly delights, farewell to friends,
To fellowships and follies and amends.
The choice to spare thy passage through these trials
Is thine alone; take heed, I entreat thee,
And turn thy back upon this world of pain!


THE KNAVE
Walter, put up thy sword; tarry a moment.

WALTER
Hath this whole world been mired in madness?
Remain ye men of faculty complete,
Of full arithmetic and prudence fair,
Attending to our noble bond and contract?
Or does here stand the last remaining man
To give a fig for rules and order yet,
No noble savage, but a stave unbroken
Who loves the law and bids it no misdeed.
I’ll not be bent to lawlessness. Mark it nought, if we be men of honour.

THE KNAVE
Walter, too long we have tarried on public fields; the constable is notified. I pray you,
sheath thy piece.

WALTER
Mark it nought, else I’ll none.



JACK SMOKE
Good Sir Walter, speak with reason!

WALTER
Dost thou think I tarry idly? Mark it nought!

JACK SMOKE
Yea, I shall yield, and leave it to your pleasure.
Mark as thou wilt, in full and legal measure.

[Exit JACK SMOKE. WALTER sits]

THE KNAVE
In sooth, Walter, thou hast wounded me horribly.
Jack Smoke is cut of cloth alike my humour;
Peaceable men we, for peaceable times,
And Jack Smoke is a man of soft conscience.

WALTER
That he is conscious, I mark thee; I attend well.
In tender youth I dabbled in a course
To seek and hear moral philosophy.
Encount’ring pacifism on that road,
Though ne’er in Orient jungle, beshrew me; yet
I thought upon’t e’en on fields of war.

THE KNAVE
Thou markest that Jack Smoke hath woes of mind.

WALTER
Faith, beyond pacifism?

THE KNAVE
He is a man of fragility, sir, and like to shatter.

WALTER
“Like”; yet I mark not his fragile dust,
Nor saw him break, nor melt, nor cleave in two.
The heated moment passeth, river-tide
Below a bridge in Exeter. Speak, Knave,
Are we not victorious in our sport?
We progress as do rakes; or be I wrong?

THE KNAVE
No, thou speakest true—

WALTER
Be I wrong?

THE KNAVE
No, sir, thy speech is straight and true. But yet thou speakest not, for thou hast not spoken
but brayed, in the manner of an ass.

WALTER
Fair; then I am an ass; let it be writ down that I am an ass. Then, mark well; the Knave
and his partner, an ass, shall play again at ninepins in half a fortnight, their skills match’d
against Joshua Quince and Liam O’Brien. They worry me not; they shall be o’er-pushed
with certitude.

THE KNAVE
An we play again in seven days and seven nights, I pray you, be of good humour.

WALTER
“Be of good humour!” ‘Tis thine answer to everything.
Mark: thy peaceable nature, while conceiv’d
In upright spirit, meant for noble deeds,
May cited be by devils for their purpose.
Mark the Arab king in foreign land,
The base Mesopotamian, who lieth with steed.
Thou present’st to me a wall to hide behind
‘Twas born of truce in fear and frighten’d mind.

THE KNAVE
I pray you, be of good humour.

WALTER
I am as calm as still waters, Knave.

THE KNAVE
As steel waters, I’ll warrant; put up thy
Icy blade! Crack not gory tales of war!

WALTER
My calmness exceeds thine.

THE KNAVE
Be of ease, I pray you! Be of good cheer,
And let us not repeat what happen’d here!

WALTER
My calmness exceeds thine. But hark; here comes a visitor.

[Enter BRANDT]




It really is quite good.
Two Gentlemen of Lebowski site.

The roar of the greasepaint — the smell of the crowd.

The grand tour of 'Five Kinds' continueth. It's nice to say that we've 'been touring' all week; sounds somewhat less glamorous to say we've performed the play twice in a classroom and once in a nightclub,—that doesn't sound half as good; nor does it do anything to enhance any notions of 'showbiz' to point out that the nightclub show was attended by a total of nine people*, but there you are.

*Thereby outnumbering the amount of people on the stage by two.

Mind you, Clonmel was a loverly stage and an especially lovely and attentive and appreciative audience. We go back there tonight to, what we shall hope, is a bigger bunch.

If it's smaller, we're in trouble.

Big trouble.


how it went.

Barnacles and Bondage

I've enjoyed a rare day off from the play today. It cometh not a moment too soon because the voice is beginning to go and I needed to spend a good 24 hours in complete silence— rest and hydration I tells ya!

Feeding and snoozing and farting and generally doing 're-charge' stuff that requireth no use of the vocal chords has been fun.

What was I at?

Somebody recently mooted the idea of a free trip to Norway for Bloomsday, ( for any willin' actor who'd do a bit o' Ulysses for them) and I reckoned that, ( seeing as I have a 'tache and roundy glasses)— I might just be their man.


Be way of research, I reckoned I'd have another read of a bit of it, and, what was the bit I read?— only the row in the pub; then I had a look-see on the interweb of Angeline Ball doing her Molly Bloom monological what-have-you.

All marvellous, and why not go all out and get yourself a feed of Dennys sausages? says I ! (which I did, and why wouldn't I?) and a drop o' black tae and eggs and rashers while you're at it?



Sated and bloated with literature and protein, there was nothin' else for it but to watch an oul fillum for meself.
Why not?— says you; and what's with all these self-directed questions anyway?—would you not get on with what you're gettin' on with and not be botherin' the good people of the interweb with your blatherin oul' shite that makes no sense to man or beast you ignorant illiterate mongolian monkey man?

Faith I will, then: Right, the 'oul' fillum',

and, when I say oul' fillum, I do mean OUL fillum:

' Of Human Bondage ' 1934

Instantly watchable by doing a clicky here.

The pace and acting style of old fillums are likely to turn folk off nowadays: when you hear Bette Davis' british accent you may squirm slightly, or even a lot. Still, I enjoyed this old chestnut immensely.



It started off quirky and clumpy and odd with Ashley Wilkes from Gone with The Wind playing a quirky, clumpy and odd young painter with a club foot trying to make his name in Paris, but it became interesting very quickly.

If you have the time, you might try it, and just as the flavour of basil goes with tomato, it is the perfect accompaniment to the soliloquay of Molly Bloom. Watching them together is the way I done did it and it's agot me athinkin'...




Molly Bloom and Nora Barnacle and Matilda from ' Of Human Bondage ' had plentymany in common, I reckon. True to the social mores of pre-war cinema: Matilda ( who doesn't want to marry a decent, sensitive man when he proposes ), is portrayed alternatively as a bad guy*, and a bunny-boiler but there's a lot more goin' on there.

Ladies be complicated.