Saturday, December 11, 2010

Time gentleman please

My days are numbered; I’m gone ould. Getting ould is less of a deal for a person who has testicles.

This is because, unlike ovaries, the testicles keep on working. Meaning that I am descended from God-knows-how-many millions of testicle bearers, at least one of whom may have retained some level of attractiveness; making it possible for them to impregnate my female andecedent despite their old age (Old age being, in the majority of human history something beyond 40). And thereby creating an ancestor who lead to myself, and thereby passing on some 'old guy, but nonetheless hot' genes that I'm planning on keeping me in the 'possible gene sharing pool' for the next three years or so.

That's the theory anyway.

In common with many testicle-bearers, I regard old age not as a degeneration; but as a slow and gradual but improving process like as what happened to Clint Eastwood.

And so aging, or as I like to think of it, the process of turning into Clint Eastwood, doesn’t really bother me; but every now and then even a fantasist such as myself has an experience which prompts then to think to themselves: ‘Oh shite, I’m gettin' old, and not in a good way’.

There have been many ‘Oh Shite I’m gettin’ ould and not in a good way’ moments- the latest of which, has been th’interweb.
I like th’ interweb. I can write in Hypertextmarkup language and if you can’t; I pity you. But the web is not simply code and 1’s and 0’s (well actually, it is: but not in a way that matters) the web is where we are. There was a time when everybody in Ireland watched ‘The Late Late Show’ at exactly the same time and it defined us as a nation.

Long gone pal, long gone.

I like to translate me thoughts into words. I find the very act of doing so sharpens me ideas and makes me question concepts in a way I wouldn’t get from just speaking them. The ‘veb’ has been good to me on this score. Whatever nonsense is going through me mind, I can just type it up and throw it out there, and care not a jot about sales or style or relevance or meaning or space in the periodical, or word-count or:"have I used the word 'me' instead of 'my' too often?". It will either be read, or it won’t.

Anyone who has been on the planet long enough knows that it’s no big deal to feel ‘Oh shit, I don’t get this’ or ‘I’m kind of invisible here’ or, worst of all; ‘I’d better leave because the very presence of somebody my age in the room is freaking everybody out’. I get this, I know this, and through it all I have considered th’ interweb my friend; but frankly- the day of blogs is over.

The day of existing only as a literary style and as set of opinions is gone. The day of just writing shite is out the window.

Yes, it has it’s own special qualities; but so did betamax.

The future is tellyweb, and with tellyweb, we don’t even have to bother reading. Instead of words alone we are now going to have people and faces and sound effects and clever but simple editing techniques. I can’t join in with this nonsense, because I’m old. Plain and simple. There’s no hiding your oldness from the camera, there’s no crawling back the validity of your point of view when the immediate emotional response to your message is: “ who the fuck is this old fucker?”.

As an illustration, I shall draw your attention to ‘The nostalgia chick’ in herself a spin-off from the, often hilarious and often annoying ‘nostalgia critic'.

The premise of this 'web-show' is that the critic/chick re-watches movies and cartoon specials of their childhood and basically attack them in a way they weren't articulate enough to do when they were children. Yes it's self opinionated and nerdy and probably not as cool as it thinks it is, but let me say this much:

This is the interweb, so with a click of a button you can see naked ladies with naked gentlemen or other naked ladies or dogs or “granny fucks a tranny while ten midgets watch” but this, for me, is the sexiest thing I have ever seen come down the electric information tubes. It’s a very intelligent, attractive, articulate and very, very young woman, talking about a terribly dull film (Labyrinth).


I cannot compete.

I’m gonna have to give this interweb shite up.

Pretty soon.

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