Under review.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The Ox-Bow Incident
Most of us like a bit of novelty and conversation from our cinema, and traditionally we shell out for the 'new release' for that reason: if there's something new we want to be the first of our friends to see it so that we get the thrill of crapping on about it and being listened to.
Like the long lists of books that you're supposed to read before you can consider yourself 'well-read'— there are those equally long lists of 'Movie Classics' but the problem with giving over your leisure time to these stories that have stood the test of history, is that afterwards there's often nobody to talk to about it.
Poverty ( and the reluctance to download ) have kept most of the new releases off my viewing menu for some time now. However, the possession of the one of last Video Cassette Players in Limerick has meant I can constantly supply meself with oldies at 50¢' a pop; if you can get into oldies, I recommend you do so because there really is quite a lot of treats out there.
I'm not a 'buff', and I can't say "I enjoy film" without putting an 's' on the end and before tonight, I had never seen nor heard of the Ox-Bow Incident, but it's a western, and it's a cracker...
How can I explain best?
Okay,-I'll put it in the context of a new-ish fillum that I have seen:
"Is it as good as say... um Coen brothers version of 'True Grit'?"
— you might ask, and the answer would be:
"Well... the acting's not as good, the writing's not as good,- it's in black and white and you never really feel like you're outside of the studio, there are no relatable female characters,- the moralising element of the story could seem naive and twee and the only black man has the mannerisms of a craven caricature, but yeah... it's just as good."
Speaking for myself, I found it more engaging; it creates a cowboy world of characters who each seem far more authentic than their surroundings; it has the tension of a thriller and quite determinedly describes the moral implications of a lynching in a way that, for every point it loses in realism, gains two for depth of theme and philosophical contemplation of the nature of mankind and the concept of civilisation.
So in other words: I enjoyed it.
I just wish there was somebody to talk to about it.
Like the long lists of books that you're supposed to read before you can consider yourself 'well-read'— there are those equally long lists of 'Movie Classics' but the problem with giving over your leisure time to these stories that have stood the test of history, is that afterwards there's often nobody to talk to about it.
Poverty ( and the reluctance to download ) have kept most of the new releases off my viewing menu for some time now. However, the possession of the one of last Video Cassette Players in Limerick has meant I can constantly supply meself with oldies at 50¢' a pop; if you can get into oldies, I recommend you do so because there really is quite a lot of treats out there.
I'm not a 'buff', and I can't say "I enjoy film" without putting an 's' on the end and before tonight, I had never seen nor heard of the Ox-Bow Incident, but it's a western, and it's a cracker...
How can I explain best?
Okay,-I'll put it in the context of a new-ish fillum that I have seen:
"Is it as good as say... um Coen brothers version of 'True Grit'?"
— you might ask, and the answer would be:
"Well... the acting's not as good, the writing's not as good,- it's in black and white and you never really feel like you're outside of the studio, there are no relatable female characters,- the moralising element of the story could seem naive and twee and the only black man has the mannerisms of a craven caricature, but yeah... it's just as good."
Speaking for myself, I found it more engaging; it creates a cowboy world of characters who each seem far more authentic than their surroundings; it has the tension of a thriller and quite determinedly describes the moral implications of a lynching in a way that, for every point it loses in realism, gains two for depth of theme and philosophical contemplation of the nature of mankind and the concept of civilisation.
So in other words: I enjoyed it.
I just wish there was somebody to talk to about it.
Something Rotten 6
Enter Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern carrying Duty free bags.
Rosencrantz:
Here we are. Nice! Very nice! So what’s the gig again?
Guildenstern:
Hamlets lost his marbles and we get to hang around until he gets better.
Rosencrantz:
Well then the smart thing to do is make him crazier.
The longer he’s loopy, the longer our stay at casa del kingo.
Guildenstern:
Maybe. But don’t forget, that boy gets dispatched to the funny farm were gonna find ourselves surplus to requirements.
Rosencrantz:
Good point.
Sound of Trumpets enter the King and Queen.
King:
Welcome dear Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern.
We’re so glad you could make it, aren’t we dear?
The boyhood friends of Hamlet here at last.
You have not arrived one moment too soon.
You’ll find Hamlet transformed inside and out,
We don’t know what on earth the problem is,
Unless his fathers death… perhaps that’s it.
Since you and Hamlet all were friends at school,
We’d hoped you stay with us a little while,
And help to bring him out of these black moods,
perhaps you’ll find, the cause of it, perhaps?
Then maybe we can fix it. With your help.
Queen:
He’s talked of you so often, both of you.
He said you made him laugh, make him laugh now.
If you can be of help to us in this,
you wont go unrewarded, We promise.
Guildernstern:
Well thank you your magisterials.
Rosencrantz:
We promise your monarchic highnesses we’ll leave no stone interned.
King:
Then gentlemen you have our gratitude.
Queen:
Sincerest thanks to both of you for this.
Now please good sirs, go to him right away.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exit.
Polonius enters.
Polonius:
Norwegian Ambassador to see you my lord.
King:
Excellent. You always have good news Polonius.
Polonius:
Thank you my lord. I do the best I can.
And prhaps I could have better news again,
I think I might know what’s ailing the prince.
King:
Well then this is good news, do tell us more.
Polonius:
The ambassador approaches. Please my lord,
I’ll talk of this as soon as he is gone.
King:
Then bring him here at once, and lets begin.
Polonius exits
King:
He says he has it figured out my dear,
The problem that young Hamlet has, I mean.
Queen:
I don’t suppose it’s any mystery.
His Mothers Wedding was too close to his Fathers funeral. It’s hard on him.
King:
We’ll soon find out.
Polonius and Voltemand enter.
Good ambassador of Norway come, speak.
Voltamande:
Greetings to you from the Norwegian King.
Whose raised an army under Fortinbras,
Which would, by your good leave, proceed at once,
Unhinder’d down through Denmark and then west,
To Poland for to fight a campaign there.
King:
Well I can forsee no objection.
I’ll deal with this more fully when we’ve time.
As things stand now, let’s say I’m not opposed.
Thank you and thank the king, send our regards,
We wish him every success in his plan.
Voltamande:
Your Highness.
Voltamande exits
Polonius:
Well that went well, if I may be so bold.
Of course it’s not for me to comment on,
Great matters between kings, what duty is,
Why day is day, night, night. and time is time.
To speculate would waste day night and time.
And since clear thinking’s almost always brief,
And waffle is a sign of no ideas,
So I shall hit the nail upon the head,
And Come straight to the point, indeed, oh yes.
I wont prevaricate about the bush;
I’ll keep this brief your highness, Hamlet’s mad.
Well I say ‘mad’ but really, what is ‘mad’?
What’s Sanity? What’s madness? which is which?
You’d lose your marbles trying to decide.
Anyway:
Queen:
Oh Please get to the point Polonius.
Polonius:
That is the point, your highness. Mean to say
It’s a pity, but it’s true, pity but true
And that it’s true’s a pity; but my point.
The boy is mad. So all we need to ask,
Is why is he mad, Yes? Cause and effect.
Or cause and defect. He’s defective; yes?
And something has affected him, the cause.
So it remains, Or I remain to say:
This.
I’ve a daughter, (at the moment I do)
Who, in duty to her father, gave me this,
He takes out a letter
Listen now and tell me what you think:
‘To the idol of the heavens and the idol of my soul,
Beautified Ophelia’
‘beautified’ hmpf. Anyway, it gets worse:
‘to the heart that beats in that perfect form’ etc.
Queen:
Hamlet wrote this to her?
Polonius:
There’s more, I’ll read it all, I wont take long:
‘Doubt that the stars are on fire
Doubt that the sun’s burning too,
Call truth itself a damn liar,
But never doubt I love you.
Dear Ophelia, as you can see, poetry is hardly my strength. I cant put into words my feelings. But I do know I love you something rotten. I love you more than anyone else ever has or will,
Yours forever for as long as I breathe. Hamlet.’
My daughter, after some persuading, dutifully showed me this.
And told me all about this liason
And also when and where they’ve met, of course.
Queen:
And how has she responded to this love?
Polonius:
What type of daughter do you think I’d raise?
Queen:
A decent one I’m sure,
Polonius:
Exactly so.
Now tell me what you would have done yourself.
If you discovered this was going on?
I thought it most unsuitable, I did.
Hamlet’s much too high born, much too much.
I told her to put Hamlet from her thoughts,
Refuse all gifts, all letters, meet no more.
And this she did, and that (I hoped) was that.
But Hamlet, then rejected got depressed,
Depressed, he doesn’t eat and doesn’t sleep.
And now he’s gone so weak he can’t think straight.
So everything has gone from bad to worse.
This is A cycle that repeats itself.
And has him in the state that he’s in now.
That so upsets us all.
King:
You really think that that’s what’s going on?
Polonius:
Has there ever been a time,-I’d like to know
That I have told you what is going on
And I made a mistake?
King:
Not that I know.
Polonius:
If I am wrong in this, chop off my head.
I always find the truth out in the end.
No matter how well hidden, that’s my job.
As kings advisor, as I see it, Lord.
King:
How will we test this theory?
Polonius:
He likes to walk these halls hours at a time,
Queen:
That’s right, he does.
Polonius:
Next time that he does it, they will meet.
I’ll bring my daughter here and they will meet.
You wait with me behind this tapestry,
Observe what happens, if he’s not in love,
And mad from love, then sack me on the spot.
And I’ll go off and live a farmers life.
King:
We’ll try it.
Queen:
Here he comes now. Poor boy.
Polonius:
Let me alone with him, I’ll question him,
And figure out his motives and his mind.
Exit Queen and King
And how are you today Lord?
Hamlet:
I am well.
Polonius:
Do you know who I am?
Hamlet::
Yes! You make your living by fishing. You are a fisherman then.
Polonius:
No that’s not me.
Hamlet::
Pity. It’s an honest days work.
Polonius:
Honest?
Hamlet:
An honest man in this world is as rare as hens teeth.
Polonius:
Sadly true my Lord.
Hamlet:
You have a daughter?
Polonius:
Yes.
Hamlet:
Well be sure and stop her from sunbathing in front of the soldiers, or else you’ll be the one who gets burnt.
Polonius:
So still obsessed with my daughter, then!
But he doesn’t know me from a fishmonger.
He’s in a bad way. I’ve been close to this heartbreak myself, in my youth.
What are you reading my lord?
Hamlet:
Words,words,words.
Polonius:
And what’s the subject matter?
Hamlet:
Y’know I don’t think it matters at all.
Polonius:
I mean what is in the book, what’s it about?
Hamlet:
There’s slander in it. Says here:
Old men have grey beards and wrinkles,
With eyes that dribble with pus like sap out of a tree, that they are plentymany thick except for their legs which are thin, weak and bony.
I don’t believe anyone should ever write things like this, just because it’s absolutely true.
Time happens to all of us and you’ll be my age one day if you ever get sneaky enough to age backwards.
Polonius:
Yes. Will you come below and out of this air sir?
Hamlet:
Below and out of the air. You wish to bury Me?
Polonius:
Well he’s obviously mad, but how mad and why mad I’m still not sure; I’ll have to arrange his meeting with my daughter.
My Lord, I’ll take my leave.
Hamlet:
You’re leave? Take it. Take your leave.
I don’t want it. There’s nothing I’d rather part with than your Leave. Except my own life. Yes, except that.
Tedious old fool!
Rosenkrantz:
Good day, sweet prince.
Guildernstern:
Sweet prince, good day.
Hamlet:
Well Rosenkrantz and Guildernstein how goes it boys?
Its good to see you. so, how are y’both?
Guildernstern:
Were fair to middlin, middlin fair to fair,
Rosenkrantz:
We pray to god every night for the opportunity to show him that winning the lottery wont change us but so far he hasn’t taken us up on the offer.
Hamlet:
(laughing)So same as ever then. What brings you to this prison, boys?
Rosenkrantz:
What? Three square banquets a day, and farting through silk?
If this is prison, lock me up for life!
Hamlet:
I spose it all depends on your attitude,
Rosenkrantz:
Attitude, and altitude, I don’t know whether you’ve noticed but when your station in life is this elevated, financial pressure drops.
Guildernstern:
Yeah Hamlet it’s all a matter of altitude, you’ve just been living the high life too long. What have you got to complain about.
Hamlet:
Oh nothing much. I’ve just had some bad dreams I think. Lately.
Rosenkrantz:
Well now you can relax ‘coz we are here,
Guildernstern:
That’s Here and at your service, day and night.
Hamlet:
I have enough of servants ,serve yourselves.
But what brings you two scamps to Elsinore?
Rosenkrantz:
We thought that this was Copenhagen no?
Guilderstern:
Musta taken a wrong turn at Albequerque.
Hamlet:
No seriously lads, just tell me, why’d you come?
Guildernstern:
Oh you know…
Rosenkrantz:
how boring town can get, this time of year.
Hamlet:
Straight up. were you two sent for. By the king?
Rosenkrantz:
Us? Us? Were we sent for?
Guildernstern:
By the king?
Hamlet:
You were, your faces show it plain as day.
Rosenkrantz:
Oh you and your plain face!, Prince whatcha mean?
Hamlet:
I mean if we are friends then be honest.
Look, either you were sent for or you weren’t
If you came of your own accord that’s fine,
But if you guys were summoned tell me now.
Rosenkrantz:
Well not ‘summoned’; invited shall we say?
Hamlet:
Of course you were! And Will I tell you why?
Look I’ll do all the talkin’: you keep schtum.
That way you’ll keep your promise to the king.
Rosenkrantz:
Don’t let us stop you.
Hamlet:
Okay the king ‘invited’ you to court
Because it seems I’m ‘loosin’ it. Poor lad.
He’s gloomy and he doesn’t move about.
There’s something wrong with his whole outlook and…
And this wonderful world rich living world where we reside, Is just a lonely pointless empty rock in my sore eyes. The air around me, the sky above me, studded with golden stars, this majestic and fantastical life-giving atmosphere to me is only so much bad and burning gas. And humanity itself, the only moral animal, noble, conscientious in its consciousness, self aware, self-propelled and self fulfilling. Is, from my point of view, a blemish on nature and a revolting corrupting poisoning cancer on the planet. I can see no good in man. I see no good in woman either if that’s what you’re laughing at.
Rosenkrantz:
I’m sorry Your highness. I didn’t mean to smile.
Hamlet:
What’s funny?
Guildernstern:
Well I was just thinking about those guys
That we met in the plane, the puppeteers,
They reckoned that you’d like to see the show.
Some sappy happy tale they do for kids.
But feeling as you seem to feel I’d say
That you are in no mood for puppet shows.
Hamlet:
What? Come again? What puppeteers? What’s this?
Guildernstern:
Oh you remember them, what were their names?
Rosenkrantz:
They did it all with shadows.
Guildernstern:
They still do.
Hamlet:
The shadow puppet guys? From wittgentstein.
The shadows and the voices? They were good.
‘Light Entertainment’ yes! That was the name!
Guildernstern:
‘Light Entertainment’ tour in Denmark now,
Hamlet:
Well if they make it here, I will be glad.
I think I’d rather look at puppets than at people.
I hope they come to court, I will be glad.
But not as glad as I am seein’ you two.
Everyone says I’m mad, well iddint true.
Depends on how the wind blows, now at you.
But I can tell a scabby hole from a pock-mark.
Polonius enters
Polonius:
Evening gents.
Hamlet:
C’mere, c’mere; watch this big baby still in his nappies.
Rosenkrantz:
Nappies and old people go together. It’s all ahead of us.
Hamlet:
I bet he will announce the puppet-show:
‘I said to him “if that’s your attitude, y’know what you can do” and there was no more said about it. And I was glad in the end. Oh hi there baloney-pis!
Polonius:
My Lord , I have some news.
Hamlet:
All the news that’s fit. to Prince.
Polonius:
Some entertainment, lord.
Hamlet:
Eccky Eccky Ptoing. WhuP!
Polonius:
My lord?
Hamlet:
(singing)That’s entertainment!
Polonius:
Entertainment Yes. Of the highest standard. Working in the medium of light. So accomplished and adaptable. They can do tragedy, history, comedy, tragic history, comic history, historic tragedy or a comedic tragedy based on historical events. They operate in the strictest classical tradition of the new and avant-garde. A most excellent company my lord.
Hamlet:
(singing) Whut I hate about fightin’ back
This ol’ buzzard gonna break ma back.
Oh lord cant you line em? Shakkallaka,
Oh lord cant you find em? Shakkallaka,
Oh lord were’d you hide em? Shakkallaka,
See how we’s gonna find that crack!
Polonius:
Crack my Lord?
Hamlet:
Well I cant say ‘chink’ can I?
Not with china the price it is!
(singing)
Hidin from the young girl,
Pullin’ down the shade.
Hatin’ all the promises Mom done made,
Oh lord cant you line em? Shakkallaka,
Oh lord cant you find em? Shakkallaka,
Oh lord were’d you hide em? Shakkallaka,
Shine up the shadow and we find that crack!
Polonius:
‘Hiding the young girl’ he means me and Ophelia.
Puppeteer* enters
(*This Part might be played by The Chairman).
Hamlet:
And now for something completely different.
Well hidey Ho! Here comes the Shadow Man!
You used to stand and tell the tale in rhyme.
While someone moved the puppets: am I right?
You used to do some cracking stuff.indeed.
What was the one? Do you still do it Now?
Puppeteer:
My lord?
Hamlet:
The thing…the thing you did what was it called?
The big long poem thing. What’s the name again?
Puppeteer:
I’m sorry.
Hamlet:
No your not. What was it called?
The thing was set in ancient Troy I think.
Ah yes! I know it now, it went like this:
(Reciting)
And Pyrhuss then, with blackened face and knife,
Black like his cold intentions in the night
While waiting in that wooden horse to kill,
Now found himself a darker colour still.
Now found himself bestained with rich red blood.
The blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, sons.
Baked on to him by that false burning sun,
That was the city torched. A damning light,
Illuminating murder in the night,
With serpents eyes he seeks grandfather Priam…
What’s the rest of it?
Polonius:
Well fair play my Lord! Some memory!
Puppeteer:
…With serpents eyes he seeks grandfather Priam…
And then he finds him…
feebly, old man Priam, makes a stand,
His antique sword, too heavy for the man,
Falls from his hand. A flash. And Pyruss blade.
Strikes wide ,In his exhaustion, Priam falls.
As he collapses, then collapse the walls.
Of the old fortress, spewing flames in sheets.
The mighty walls come crashing; to complete,
The battlements with force beat to the ground.
With violent, brutal, deadly deafening sound,
That seems to still the air and Pyruss sword.
Stops rigid in the air above the head,
Of the old man. a Frozen moment. Dead.
Quite dead of movement, as a statue, still.
A painting of ‘the moment of the kill’.
And trapped in time just there with sword he stood.
And did nothing.
But. As, we have observed, amid a storm,
The sky grow silent, clouds begin to calm,
The Strong winds hush, the world, in silence lies,
Dumb as the grave, Till thunder tears the skies,
And rips the landscape. So it happened then.
That Pyrhuss vengance flamed in him once more.
The Cyclops hammer, in the days before.
That beat the armor made for Gods to wear,
More gently hammered on the anvil there,
Than Pyrhuss’ sword now fell upon Priam.
If fate suffers injustices like these.
Then fate’s an evil monster, down with fate!
Polonius:
A Bit over the top for my taste.
Hamlet:
Don’t mind him, if it’s not a song or a dirty joke, he falls asleep. Do the bit about Hecuba… The queens reaction to her husbands murder.
Puppeteer:
Hecuba? Oh yes (reciting)
But where is now the baffled, stumbling queen?
Barefeet among the flames, eyes blind with tears.
No crown , a ragged scarf above her ears.
And for a robe, a blanket sheilds her frame.
Snatched quickly from the black and choking flames.
What use is fate or providence or luck?
When it abuses innocents this way?
If Gods can see, or hear the sound she made,
As she saw Pyrhuss mid blood smoke and dirt,
There butchering the body for his sport.
The wailing that came from her broken heart.
Would make the burning stars cry milky tears,
And all of heaven shudder.
Polonius:
And now he has upset himself! No more!
Hamlet:
You must recite this fully some time soon.
Polonius, look after these men well,
These artists create history do they not?
Someone might write the story of our lives.
I’d hope they’d treat us fairly wouldn’t you.
Polonius:
I always treat artists with the respect they deserve.
Hamlet:
Well that’s not good enough. If we were all treated as we deserve there’s probably not one of us would escape being whipped in the street. Treat them better than they deserve, and that way you can call yourself a generous man.
Polonius:
My lord. Come sirs.
Hamlet:
He’ll sort you out good people, by the way,
You used do ‘The murder of Gonzago’.
Puppeteer:
We still do.
Hamlet:
Great. We’ll have that on tomorrow night. I wonder would you mind if a changed a line or two here and there before you put it on?
Puppeteer:
As you wish your majesty.
Hamlet:
Okay then go with Polonius and don’t laugh at him too much.
Polonius and Puppeteers exit.
Hamlet:
Rosenkrantz, Guildenstern, thank you for your time.
Rosenkrantz:
What? Okay! Yes your majestic!
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern exit
Hamlet:
So I’m Alone at last. Oh God above!
What am I doing here? But wasting time?
A useless pointless gutless prattling fool.
That Puppeteer put more into his poem,
That I put in my life! A bloody poem!
some rhyming words, and still he almost cried.
His heart and soul possessed, his body shaking,
With passion for a poem that’s about nothing!
Feckin’ Hecuba!
What’s he to Hecuba? Or her to him?
That Hecuba upsets him? Christ above!
What would he do with my conundrum then?
There’s cause for tears; enough to drown the stage,
He’d split the air by howling such a scream
His rage would drive the Guilty mad with fear.
He’d terrorise his listeners to down to their marrow,
He’d break their ears he’d make their eyeballs bleed.
But me.
But me ,But what Am I doin’? nothin’ much.
I mope, and grumble, unable to speak.
Where is no Scream to roar out from my soul.
Not even for a murdered father, no.
not for a stolen kingdom, stolen love.
Cowardly, ineffectual, excuse for a son!
Coward! Idiot! Weak, spineless fool!
nothin’ but a chickenhearted, yellow, whining brat!
I’m this, and worse, I am. I know I am.
(Starts laughing)
Well Here’s a gobshite, lettin’ on he’s mad,
And driving himself mad on his own time,
What if I’m wrong? I could be wrong. A ghost.
What is a ghost? And can you trust a ghost?
What if I just imagined? Or, if not.
Who says that Ghosts are honest? Who says that?
For all I know I could be mad for real.
A ghost is not enough, it’s just a ghost.
But no. I’m sure I feel it in my heart.
I know it!
It’s in his eyes its there, as plain as day.
Just one more thing and then I will be sure.
Just one more thing to prove to me I’m right.
A trap of lights and shadow for the king.
The show that we go see tomorrow night.
Will re-enact my Fathers death exact.
Exactly as the ghost said that it was.
If there is any guilt inside his heart.
I’ll know by his reaction to the scene.
For every nasty crime has got two sides,
Pride in completion, fear of being discovered.
A fear that I’ll awaken with a start.
And using as my voice: a puppet show.
I’ll speak and say directly: ‘Someone knows’.
Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern.
Rosencrantz:
Here we are. Nice! Very nice! So what’s the gig again?
Guildenstern:
Hamlets lost his marbles and we get to hang around until he gets better.
Rosencrantz:
Well then the smart thing to do is make him crazier.
The longer he’s loopy, the longer our stay at casa del kingo.
Guildenstern:
Maybe. But don’t forget, that boy gets dispatched to the funny farm were gonna find ourselves surplus to requirements.
Rosencrantz:
Good point.
Sound of Trumpets enter the King and Queen.
King:
Welcome dear Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern.
We’re so glad you could make it, aren’t we dear?
The boyhood friends of Hamlet here at last.
You have not arrived one moment too soon.
You’ll find Hamlet transformed inside and out,
We don’t know what on earth the problem is,
Unless his fathers death… perhaps that’s it.
Since you and Hamlet all were friends at school,
We’d hoped you stay with us a little while,
And help to bring him out of these black moods,
perhaps you’ll find, the cause of it, perhaps?
Then maybe we can fix it. With your help.
Queen:
He’s talked of you so often, both of you.
He said you made him laugh, make him laugh now.
If you can be of help to us in this,
you wont go unrewarded, We promise.
Guildernstern:
Well thank you your magisterials.
Rosencrantz:
We promise your monarchic highnesses we’ll leave no stone interned.
King:
Then gentlemen you have our gratitude.
Queen:
Sincerest thanks to both of you for this.
Now please good sirs, go to him right away.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exit.
Polonius enters.
Polonius:
Norwegian Ambassador to see you my lord.
King:
Excellent. You always have good news Polonius.
Polonius:
Thank you my lord. I do the best I can.
And prhaps I could have better news again,
I think I might know what’s ailing the prince.
King:
Well then this is good news, do tell us more.
Polonius:
The ambassador approaches. Please my lord,
I’ll talk of this as soon as he is gone.
King:
Then bring him here at once, and lets begin.
Polonius exits
King:
He says he has it figured out my dear,
The problem that young Hamlet has, I mean.
Queen:
I don’t suppose it’s any mystery.
His Mothers Wedding was too close to his Fathers funeral. It’s hard on him.
King:
We’ll soon find out.
Polonius and Voltemand enter.
Good ambassador of Norway come, speak.
Voltamande:
Greetings to you from the Norwegian King.
Whose raised an army under Fortinbras,
Which would, by your good leave, proceed at once,
Unhinder’d down through Denmark and then west,
To Poland for to fight a campaign there.
King:
Well I can forsee no objection.
I’ll deal with this more fully when we’ve time.
As things stand now, let’s say I’m not opposed.
Thank you and thank the king, send our regards,
We wish him every success in his plan.
Voltamande:
Your Highness.
Voltamande exits
Polonius:
Well that went well, if I may be so bold.
Of course it’s not for me to comment on,
Great matters between kings, what duty is,
Why day is day, night, night. and time is time.
To speculate would waste day night and time.
And since clear thinking’s almost always brief,
And waffle is a sign of no ideas,
So I shall hit the nail upon the head,
And Come straight to the point, indeed, oh yes.
I wont prevaricate about the bush;
I’ll keep this brief your highness, Hamlet’s mad.
Well I say ‘mad’ but really, what is ‘mad’?
What’s Sanity? What’s madness? which is which?
You’d lose your marbles trying to decide.
Anyway:
Queen:
Oh Please get to the point Polonius.
Polonius:
That is the point, your highness. Mean to say
It’s a pity, but it’s true, pity but true
And that it’s true’s a pity; but my point.
The boy is mad. So all we need to ask,
Is why is he mad, Yes? Cause and effect.
Or cause and defect. He’s defective; yes?
And something has affected him, the cause.
So it remains, Or I remain to say:
This.
I’ve a daughter, (at the moment I do)
Who, in duty to her father, gave me this,
He takes out a letter
Listen now and tell me what you think:
‘To the idol of the heavens and the idol of my soul,
Beautified Ophelia’
‘beautified’ hmpf. Anyway, it gets worse:
‘to the heart that beats in that perfect form’ etc.
Queen:
Hamlet wrote this to her?
Polonius:
There’s more, I’ll read it all, I wont take long:
‘Doubt that the stars are on fire
Doubt that the sun’s burning too,
Call truth itself a damn liar,
But never doubt I love you.
Dear Ophelia, as you can see, poetry is hardly my strength. I cant put into words my feelings. But I do know I love you something rotten. I love you more than anyone else ever has or will,
Yours forever for as long as I breathe. Hamlet.’
My daughter, after some persuading, dutifully showed me this.
And told me all about this liason
And also when and where they’ve met, of course.
Queen:
And how has she responded to this love?
Polonius:
What type of daughter do you think I’d raise?
Queen:
A decent one I’m sure,
Polonius:
Exactly so.
Now tell me what you would have done yourself.
If you discovered this was going on?
I thought it most unsuitable, I did.
Hamlet’s much too high born, much too much.
I told her to put Hamlet from her thoughts,
Refuse all gifts, all letters, meet no more.
And this she did, and that (I hoped) was that.
But Hamlet, then rejected got depressed,
Depressed, he doesn’t eat and doesn’t sleep.
And now he’s gone so weak he can’t think straight.
So everything has gone from bad to worse.
This is A cycle that repeats itself.
And has him in the state that he’s in now.
That so upsets us all.
King:
You really think that that’s what’s going on?
Polonius:
Has there ever been a time,-I’d like to know
That I have told you what is going on
And I made a mistake?
King:
Not that I know.
Polonius:
If I am wrong in this, chop off my head.
I always find the truth out in the end.
No matter how well hidden, that’s my job.
As kings advisor, as I see it, Lord.
King:
How will we test this theory?
Polonius:
He likes to walk these halls hours at a time,
Queen:
That’s right, he does.
Polonius:
Next time that he does it, they will meet.
I’ll bring my daughter here and they will meet.
You wait with me behind this tapestry,
Observe what happens, if he’s not in love,
And mad from love, then sack me on the spot.
And I’ll go off and live a farmers life.
King:
We’ll try it.
Queen:
Here he comes now. Poor boy.
Polonius:
Let me alone with him, I’ll question him,
And figure out his motives and his mind.
Exit Queen and King
And how are you today Lord?
Hamlet:
I am well.
Polonius:
Do you know who I am?
Hamlet::
Yes! You make your living by fishing. You are a fisherman then.
Polonius:
No that’s not me.
Hamlet::
Pity. It’s an honest days work.
Polonius:
Honest?
Hamlet:
An honest man in this world is as rare as hens teeth.
Polonius:
Sadly true my Lord.
Hamlet:
You have a daughter?
Polonius:
Yes.
Hamlet:
Well be sure and stop her from sunbathing in front of the soldiers, or else you’ll be the one who gets burnt.
Polonius:
So still obsessed with my daughter, then!
But he doesn’t know me from a fishmonger.
He’s in a bad way. I’ve been close to this heartbreak myself, in my youth.
What are you reading my lord?
Hamlet:
Words,words,words.
Polonius:
And what’s the subject matter?
Hamlet:
Y’know I don’t think it matters at all.
Polonius:
I mean what is in the book, what’s it about?
Hamlet:
There’s slander in it. Says here:
Old men have grey beards and wrinkles,
With eyes that dribble with pus like sap out of a tree, that they are plentymany thick except for their legs which are thin, weak and bony.
I don’t believe anyone should ever write things like this, just because it’s absolutely true.
Time happens to all of us and you’ll be my age one day if you ever get sneaky enough to age backwards.
Polonius:
Yes. Will you come below and out of this air sir?
Hamlet:
Below and out of the air. You wish to bury Me?
Polonius:
Well he’s obviously mad, but how mad and why mad I’m still not sure; I’ll have to arrange his meeting with my daughter.
My Lord, I’ll take my leave.
Hamlet:
You’re leave? Take it. Take your leave.
I don’t want it. There’s nothing I’d rather part with than your Leave. Except my own life. Yes, except that.
Tedious old fool!
Rosenkrantz:
Good day, sweet prince.
Guildernstern:
Sweet prince, good day.
Hamlet:
Well Rosenkrantz and Guildernstein how goes it boys?
Its good to see you. so, how are y’both?
Guildernstern:
Were fair to middlin, middlin fair to fair,
Rosenkrantz:
We pray to god every night for the opportunity to show him that winning the lottery wont change us but so far he hasn’t taken us up on the offer.
Hamlet:
(laughing)So same as ever then. What brings you to this prison, boys?
Rosenkrantz:
What? Three square banquets a day, and farting through silk?
If this is prison, lock me up for life!
Hamlet:
I spose it all depends on your attitude,
Rosenkrantz:
Attitude, and altitude, I don’t know whether you’ve noticed but when your station in life is this elevated, financial pressure drops.
Guildernstern:
Yeah Hamlet it’s all a matter of altitude, you’ve just been living the high life too long. What have you got to complain about.
Hamlet:
Oh nothing much. I’ve just had some bad dreams I think. Lately.
Rosenkrantz:
Well now you can relax ‘coz we are here,
Guildernstern:
That’s Here and at your service, day and night.
Hamlet:
I have enough of servants ,serve yourselves.
But what brings you two scamps to Elsinore?
Rosenkrantz:
We thought that this was Copenhagen no?
Guilderstern:
Musta taken a wrong turn at Albequerque.
Hamlet:
No seriously lads, just tell me, why’d you come?
Guildernstern:
Oh you know…
Rosenkrantz:
how boring town can get, this time of year.
Hamlet:
Straight up. were you two sent for. By the king?
Rosenkrantz:
Us? Us? Were we sent for?
Guildernstern:
By the king?
Hamlet:
You were, your faces show it plain as day.
Rosenkrantz:
Oh you and your plain face!, Prince whatcha mean?
Hamlet:
I mean if we are friends then be honest.
Look, either you were sent for or you weren’t
If you came of your own accord that’s fine,
But if you guys were summoned tell me now.
Rosenkrantz:
Well not ‘summoned’; invited shall we say?
Hamlet:
Of course you were! And Will I tell you why?
Look I’ll do all the talkin’: you keep schtum.
That way you’ll keep your promise to the king.
Rosenkrantz:
Don’t let us stop you.
Hamlet:
Okay the king ‘invited’ you to court
Because it seems I’m ‘loosin’ it. Poor lad.
He’s gloomy and he doesn’t move about.
There’s something wrong with his whole outlook and…
And this wonderful world rich living world where we reside, Is just a lonely pointless empty rock in my sore eyes. The air around me, the sky above me, studded with golden stars, this majestic and fantastical life-giving atmosphere to me is only so much bad and burning gas. And humanity itself, the only moral animal, noble, conscientious in its consciousness, self aware, self-propelled and self fulfilling. Is, from my point of view, a blemish on nature and a revolting corrupting poisoning cancer on the planet. I can see no good in man. I see no good in woman either if that’s what you’re laughing at.
Rosenkrantz:
I’m sorry Your highness. I didn’t mean to smile.
Hamlet:
What’s funny?
Guildernstern:
Well I was just thinking about those guys
That we met in the plane, the puppeteers,
They reckoned that you’d like to see the show.
Some sappy happy tale they do for kids.
But feeling as you seem to feel I’d say
That you are in no mood for puppet shows.
Hamlet:
What? Come again? What puppeteers? What’s this?
Guildernstern:
Oh you remember them, what were their names?
Rosenkrantz:
They did it all with shadows.
Guildernstern:
They still do.
Hamlet:
The shadow puppet guys? From wittgentstein.
The shadows and the voices? They were good.
‘Light Entertainment’ yes! That was the name!
Guildernstern:
‘Light Entertainment’ tour in Denmark now,
Hamlet:
Well if they make it here, I will be glad.
I think I’d rather look at puppets than at people.
I hope they come to court, I will be glad.
But not as glad as I am seein’ you two.
Everyone says I’m mad, well iddint true.
Depends on how the wind blows, now at you.
But I can tell a scabby hole from a pock-mark.
Polonius enters
Polonius:
Evening gents.
Hamlet:
C’mere, c’mere; watch this big baby still in his nappies.
Rosenkrantz:
Nappies and old people go together. It’s all ahead of us.
Hamlet:
I bet he will announce the puppet-show:
‘I said to him “if that’s your attitude, y’know what you can do” and there was no more said about it. And I was glad in the end. Oh hi there baloney-pis!
Polonius:
My Lord , I have some news.
Hamlet:
All the news that’s fit. to Prince.
Polonius:
Some entertainment, lord.
Hamlet:
Eccky Eccky Ptoing. WhuP!
Polonius:
My lord?
Hamlet:
(singing)That’s entertainment!
Polonius:
Entertainment Yes. Of the highest standard. Working in the medium of light. So accomplished and adaptable. They can do tragedy, history, comedy, tragic history, comic history, historic tragedy or a comedic tragedy based on historical events. They operate in the strictest classical tradition of the new and avant-garde. A most excellent company my lord.
Hamlet:
(singing) Whut I hate about fightin’ back
This ol’ buzzard gonna break ma back.
Oh lord cant you line em? Shakkallaka,
Oh lord cant you find em? Shakkallaka,
Oh lord were’d you hide em? Shakkallaka,
See how we’s gonna find that crack!
Polonius:
Crack my Lord?
Hamlet:
Well I cant say ‘chink’ can I?
Not with china the price it is!
(singing)
Hidin from the young girl,
Pullin’ down the shade.
Hatin’ all the promises Mom done made,
Oh lord cant you line em? Shakkallaka,
Oh lord cant you find em? Shakkallaka,
Oh lord were’d you hide em? Shakkallaka,
Shine up the shadow and we find that crack!
Polonius:
‘Hiding the young girl’ he means me and Ophelia.
Puppeteer* enters
(*This Part might be played by The Chairman).
Hamlet:
And now for something completely different.
Well hidey Ho! Here comes the Shadow Man!
You used to stand and tell the tale in rhyme.
While someone moved the puppets: am I right?
You used to do some cracking stuff.indeed.
What was the one? Do you still do it Now?
Puppeteer:
My lord?
Hamlet:
The thing…the thing you did what was it called?
The big long poem thing. What’s the name again?
Puppeteer:
I’m sorry.
Hamlet:
No your not. What was it called?
The thing was set in ancient Troy I think.
Ah yes! I know it now, it went like this:
(Reciting)
And Pyrhuss then, with blackened face and knife,
Black like his cold intentions in the night
While waiting in that wooden horse to kill,
Now found himself a darker colour still.
Now found himself bestained with rich red blood.
The blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, sons.
Baked on to him by that false burning sun,
That was the city torched. A damning light,
Illuminating murder in the night,
With serpents eyes he seeks grandfather Priam…
What’s the rest of it?
Polonius:
Well fair play my Lord! Some memory!
Puppeteer:
…With serpents eyes he seeks grandfather Priam…
And then he finds him…
feebly, old man Priam, makes a stand,
His antique sword, too heavy for the man,
Falls from his hand. A flash. And Pyruss blade.
Strikes wide ,In his exhaustion, Priam falls.
As he collapses, then collapse the walls.
Of the old fortress, spewing flames in sheets.
The mighty walls come crashing; to complete,
The battlements with force beat to the ground.
With violent, brutal, deadly deafening sound,
That seems to still the air and Pyruss sword.
Stops rigid in the air above the head,
Of the old man. a Frozen moment. Dead.
Quite dead of movement, as a statue, still.
A painting of ‘the moment of the kill’.
And trapped in time just there with sword he stood.
And did nothing.
But. As, we have observed, amid a storm,
The sky grow silent, clouds begin to calm,
The Strong winds hush, the world, in silence lies,
Dumb as the grave, Till thunder tears the skies,
And rips the landscape. So it happened then.
That Pyrhuss vengance flamed in him once more.
The Cyclops hammer, in the days before.
That beat the armor made for Gods to wear,
More gently hammered on the anvil there,
Than Pyrhuss’ sword now fell upon Priam.
If fate suffers injustices like these.
Then fate’s an evil monster, down with fate!
Polonius:
A Bit over the top for my taste.
Hamlet:
Don’t mind him, if it’s not a song or a dirty joke, he falls asleep. Do the bit about Hecuba… The queens reaction to her husbands murder.
Puppeteer:
Hecuba? Oh yes (reciting)
But where is now the baffled, stumbling queen?
Barefeet among the flames, eyes blind with tears.
No crown , a ragged scarf above her ears.
And for a robe, a blanket sheilds her frame.
Snatched quickly from the black and choking flames.
What use is fate or providence or luck?
When it abuses innocents this way?
If Gods can see, or hear the sound she made,
As she saw Pyrhuss mid blood smoke and dirt,
There butchering the body for his sport.
The wailing that came from her broken heart.
Would make the burning stars cry milky tears,
And all of heaven shudder.
Polonius:
And now he has upset himself! No more!
Hamlet:
You must recite this fully some time soon.
Polonius, look after these men well,
These artists create history do they not?
Someone might write the story of our lives.
I’d hope they’d treat us fairly wouldn’t you.
Polonius:
I always treat artists with the respect they deserve.
Hamlet:
Well that’s not good enough. If we were all treated as we deserve there’s probably not one of us would escape being whipped in the street. Treat them better than they deserve, and that way you can call yourself a generous man.
Polonius:
My lord. Come sirs.
Hamlet:
He’ll sort you out good people, by the way,
You used do ‘The murder of Gonzago’.
Puppeteer:
We still do.
Hamlet:
Great. We’ll have that on tomorrow night. I wonder would you mind if a changed a line or two here and there before you put it on?
Puppeteer:
As you wish your majesty.
Hamlet:
Okay then go with Polonius and don’t laugh at him too much.
Polonius and Puppeteers exit.
Hamlet:
Rosenkrantz, Guildenstern, thank you for your time.
Rosenkrantz:
What? Okay! Yes your majestic!
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern exit
Hamlet:
So I’m Alone at last. Oh God above!
What am I doing here? But wasting time?
A useless pointless gutless prattling fool.
That Puppeteer put more into his poem,
That I put in my life! A bloody poem!
some rhyming words, and still he almost cried.
His heart and soul possessed, his body shaking,
With passion for a poem that’s about nothing!
Feckin’ Hecuba!
What’s he to Hecuba? Or her to him?
That Hecuba upsets him? Christ above!
What would he do with my conundrum then?
There’s cause for tears; enough to drown the stage,
He’d split the air by howling such a scream
His rage would drive the Guilty mad with fear.
He’d terrorise his listeners to down to their marrow,
He’d break their ears he’d make their eyeballs bleed.
But me.
But me ,But what Am I doin’? nothin’ much.
I mope, and grumble, unable to speak.
Where is no Scream to roar out from my soul.
Not even for a murdered father, no.
not for a stolen kingdom, stolen love.
Cowardly, ineffectual, excuse for a son!
Coward! Idiot! Weak, spineless fool!
nothin’ but a chickenhearted, yellow, whining brat!
I’m this, and worse, I am. I know I am.
(Starts laughing)
Well Here’s a gobshite, lettin’ on he’s mad,
And driving himself mad on his own time,
What if I’m wrong? I could be wrong. A ghost.
What is a ghost? And can you trust a ghost?
What if I just imagined? Or, if not.
Who says that Ghosts are honest? Who says that?
For all I know I could be mad for real.
A ghost is not enough, it’s just a ghost.
But no. I’m sure I feel it in my heart.
I know it!
It’s in his eyes its there, as plain as day.
Just one more thing and then I will be sure.
Just one more thing to prove to me I’m right.
A trap of lights and shadow for the king.
The show that we go see tomorrow night.
Will re-enact my Fathers death exact.
Exactly as the ghost said that it was.
If there is any guilt inside his heart.
I’ll know by his reaction to the scene.
For every nasty crime has got two sides,
Pride in completion, fear of being discovered.
A fear that I’ll awaken with a start.
And using as my voice: a puppet show.
I’ll speak and say directly: ‘Someone knows’.
Enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The sound of amateur etymology 2
this is part 2, part one is here
Right, 'Sulawng' was probably kicking around for a bit before it entered the world of the print under the two-word english spelling that we know today. It popped up in the 1860 version of a poetry book by Walt Whitman called 'leaves of grass'.
When Whitman's friend and fan William Sloane Kennedy, wrote about it much later in 1923 this was what he had to say:
So clearly, although Norwegian looks like a strong candidate there was no agreement on the origin of the phrase even that far back. It's interesting that Mr Kennedy seemed to believe that it originated simultaneously on the coasts of America and in industrial towns such as liverpool, as well as Scotland and Canada in other words places with large irish immigrant irish populations (Whitman's poem was penned only about 20 years after the potato famine) or places with an influence of scots gaelic (which is basically the exact same language as Irish anyway).
Right, "sulawng" continues to have an obscure origin as none of the theories postulated stand up to any scrutiny for any length of time, I'm gonna fast-forward to 2005 and the publication of this article which sums things up as follows:
He then quotes William Sloane Kennedy (in full above) and sets about figuring it out once and for all.
And that's where it stands, all perfectly logical on paper, and when the poor eejit has no knowledge of either the pronunciation or the use of 'Slawn', you can see how he opts for the Norwegian hypothesis as the most likely.
With a correct understanding of 'slawn' in the irish sense, I believe it makes a far more compelling candidate because unlike Adjø så lenge! Farvel så lenge! and Mor’n så lenge! 'slawn' needs no clipping: it is used as an extant and complete phrase for farewell.
Yes, it doesn't look half as good as 'så lenge' does on paper,( also two words, only the vowels are different) but here's the thing: Sailors, prostitutes and the immigrant underclass of the nineteenth century didn't communicate with paper quite as often as they did with sounds.
"Slawn" (as pronounced by an american which is the way Whitman would've heard it ) does sound almost exactly like an american saying "Suhlong"; neither of them sound remotely like "Zuhlengya".
listen to it on google translate and make up your own mind
Or try singing this:
Zuhlengya.
Farewell.
Auf wiedersehen.
Good bye.
Nowhere near as good a match is it?
Slán.
Right, 'Sulawng' was probably kicking around for a bit before it entered the world of the print under the two-word english spelling that we know today. It popped up in the 1860 version of a poetry book by Walt Whitman called 'leaves of grass'.
When Whitman's friend and fan William Sloane Kennedy, wrote about it much later in 1923 this was what he had to say:
| ... | The salutation of parting—‘So long!’—was, I believe, until recent years, unintelligible to the majority of persons in America, especially in the interior, and to members of the middle and professional classes. I had never heard of it until I read it in Leaves of Grass, but since then have quite often heard it used by the laboring class and other classes in New England cities. Walt wrote to me, defining ‘so long’ thus: |
| "A salutation of departure, greatly used among sailors, sports, & prostitutes—the sense of it is ‘Till we meet again,’— conveying an inference that somehow they will doubtless so meet, sooner or later.” | |
| ... | ... It is evidently about equivalent to our ‘See you later.’ The phrase is reported as used by farm laborers near Banff, Scotland. In Canada it is frequently heard; ‘and its use is not entirely confined to the vulgar.’ It is in common use among the working classes of Liverpool and among sailors at Newcastle-upon-Tyne, and in Dorsetshire. ... The London Globe suggests that the expression is derived from the Norwegian ‘Saa laenge,’ a common form of ‘farewell,’ au revoir. If so, the phrase was picked up from the Norwegians in America, where ‘So long’ first was heard. The expression is now (1923) often used by the literary and artistic classes. |
So clearly, although Norwegian looks like a strong candidate there was no agreement on the origin of the phrase even that far back. It's interesting that Mr Kennedy seemed to believe that it originated simultaneously on the coasts of America and in industrial towns such as liverpool, as well as Scotland and Canada in other words places with large irish immigrant irish populations (Whitman's poem was penned only about 20 years after the potato famine) or places with an influence of scots gaelic (which is basically the exact same language as Irish anyway).
Right, "sulawng" continues to have an obscure origin as none of the theories postulated stand up to any scrutiny for any length of time, I'm gonna fast-forward to 2005 and the publication of this article which sums things up as follows:
ADIEU, BYE-BYE, CHEERIO: THE ABC OF LEAVE-TAKING TERMS IN ENGLISH LANGUAGE HISTORY by JOACHIM GRZEGA So long – The OED (s.v. long) vaguely writes in brackets: “Cf. G. so lange.” Mencken’s information (1919/1963: 192 & 258) is a little contradictory: at first he categorizes So long as a Germanism, later in the book he classifies it as “of English origin” (or does he want to say that the term is of German descent, but that it came to America via England?). According to Terasawa (s.v. long) we would have to postulate an imagined starting-form *(it will seem) so long (until we meet again). Under the entry so long itself this hypothesis is preceded by a question mark, and the hypotheses of a German origin (So lange ‘so long’) and an Arabic origin (salấm ‘peace’) are also given. Also in Weekley (s.v. so long) we find the hypothesis: “? Corrupt. of salaam.” The German origin is also offered as one possible explanation for the expression with “origin unknown” by Chapman (s.v. so long); in addition, Chapman writes: “perhaps fr[om] Hebrew shalom and related Arabic salaam, both greetings meaning ‘peace’; perhaps fr Irish slan ‘health,’ used as a toast and a salutation” . |
You can see why it's still bottom of the list cant you? First of all "slawn" it's spelt like an English word, as "slanne" and second of all he's taken it for the literal meaning, 'health'* instead of the way it's actually used as 'goodbye' - but wait, there's more: | although a more accurate translation is 'safe','health is 'Sláinte' which is used as a toast or salutation |
He then quotes William Sloane Kennedy (in full above) and sets about figuring it out once and for all.
| I first consulted Fraser and Gibbon’s dictionary on sailor slang (1925); but the phrase wasn’t listed there. But if it is true that the term originates in sailor slang (and from there was first spread among other social groups in contact with them, e.g. soldiers and prostitutes), then we can give the following comments on the various suggestions. (1) Although the German hypothesis is formally possible, it must be underscored that there is no hint that a German leave-taking expression So lange ever existed (cf.,61e.g., DW). (2) A Hebrew (or Yiddish) origin seems unlikely for a sailor term. (3) The Arabic hypothesis seems possible for a sailor term. However, it has to be underlined that Salaam is used both as a greeting and a leave-taking term, while So long is only used as a leave-taking term. (4) The Norwegian hypothesis seems also possible for a sailor term. And indeed, in Norwegian leave-taking phrases such Adjø så lenge! Farvel så lenge! Mor’n så lenge!, literally ‘Bye so long! Farewell so long! Morning so long!’, the iconeme being something like “farewell for the (long) time being until we meet again”. The first part was clipped and the second represents a loan translation. So in conclusion, the Norwegian origin, though not included in the modern etymological dictionaries, can be regarded as the most probable etymology |
And that's where it stands, all perfectly logical on paper, and when the poor eejit has no knowledge of either the pronunciation or the use of 'Slawn', you can see how he opts for the Norwegian hypothesis as the most likely.
With a correct understanding of 'slawn' in the irish sense, I believe it makes a far more compelling candidate because unlike Adjø så lenge! Farvel så lenge! and Mor’n så lenge! 'slawn' needs no clipping: it is used as an extant and complete phrase for farewell.
Yes, it doesn't look half as good as 'så lenge' does on paper,( also two words, only the vowels are different) but here's the thing: Sailors, prostitutes and the immigrant underclass of the nineteenth century didn't communicate with paper quite as often as they did with sounds.
"Slawn" (as pronounced by an american which is the way Whitman would've heard it ) does sound almost exactly like an american saying "Suhlong"; neither of them sound remotely like "Zuhlengya".
listen to it on google translate and make up your own mind
Or try singing this:
Zuhlengya.
Farewell.
Auf wiedersehen.
Good bye.
Nowhere near as good a match is it?
Slán.
Something Rotten 5
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exit.
enter Polonius with Reynaldo.
Polonius:
Give him the cash, and packadge that I sent.
Raynaldo:
Right so.
Polonius:
And the smart thing to do’d be to ask around before
you see him.
Raynaldo:
I thought I might do that.
Polonius:
So right you are then, Okay now. First thing:
Find out which Danes are living in Paree,
And how they wound up there, and who they are.
And how they make a livin’, where they live.
And How, and who with, and how much they spend.
And In the course of your enquirees,
See what you can find out about my boy.
Someone’ll know him, I’ve no doubt of that.
And if you ask in this roundabout way,
You might hear something that you wouldn’t hear
If you just asked straight out, See what I mean?
Raynaldo:
I do sir, I see what you mean.
Polonius:
Like: ’Laertes …Oh I heard of him I think’
‘If he’s the one I’m thinkin’ of that is…
‘The wildest dude in Denmark, what a guy’
and after that, make up what lies you please.
Now nothing to dishonor him of course,
But just the sort of thing that young lads do,
Raynaldo:
Like gambling then. Is that the type of thing?
Polonius:
Gambling, drinking, fencing, swearing. Girls.
Raynaldo:
But I’d be talkin’ bad of him then Sir.
Polonius:
Well water it down, if you feel you must.
Just talk of these as small things, just the things,
That all young men get up to now and then.
Raynaldo:
But beggin’ your pardon Sir.
Polonius:
Why is it that I want you to do this?
Raynaldo:
Well yes that’s what I’m askin Sir.
Polonius:
Well basically I think that doing this,
And talking in this general way is best,
You’re inviting the person who you meet
To tell whatever stories they have heard.
This is the way that all clever men work
With little lies to catch a bigger truth.
So if you do exactly as I’ve said,
We’ll find out what he’s up to, wont we now?
Raynaldo:
Yes Sir.
Polonius:
Be sure and have a look at him yourself.
Raynaldo:
I’ll do that Sir.
Polonius:
And tell him practice his music.
Raynaldo:
Right you are.
Ophelia enters
Polonius:
Goodbye then.
Raynaldo leaves
Polonius:
Oh! Ophelia what’s this?
Ophelia:
Oh Dad! Oh Dad! Oh my heart! I’ve been so scared!
Polonius:
Scared of what in the name of God, child?
Ophelia:
It’s Hamlet! You should see him dad! He’s flipped!
He came to me in rags and Dad- his face!
Just angry, staring, not like him at all!
Polonius:
Is this because you dumped him do you think?
Ophelia:
Maybe, I don’t know, Dad he was so weird!
Polonius:
Did he say anthin’ to you, what he say?
Ophelia:
He grabbed me by the wrist and held me hard.
And then … then he just stared at me… his eyes.
And then. he kind of. let a kind of. scream,
Like somebody was killing him, oh Dad.
And then. he kind of. had some type of fit.
And when the fit was over. He Walked off.
But dad, the way he looked at me. His eyes.
Polonius:
Okay, were gonna hafta tell the King.
Young people and emotions, dear oh dear.
He loves you something rotten so he does.
This isn’t good, this isn’t good at all,
In a state like that the lad might even…
You haven’t been arguing with each other have you?
This wasn’t a row?
Ophelia:
I haven’t said a single word to him,
Not since you told me not to dad, I swear.
I just cut off all contact.
Polonius:
Like I said.
And now the boy’s gone loopy. Dear oh dear.
I must have read him wrong, it seems to be,
That he was quite serious about you.
After all then. How typical this is.
Overprotective Fathers, foolish boys.
C’mon we’d better go and tell the king.
He wont be pleased, but still, it’s the best thing.
C’mon.
Exit Polonius and Ophelia.
Enter Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern carrying Duty free
bags.
enter Polonius with Reynaldo.
Polonius:
Give him the cash, and packadge that I sent.
Raynaldo:
Right so.
Polonius:
And the smart thing to do’d be to ask around before
you see him.
Raynaldo:
I thought I might do that.
Polonius:
So right you are then, Okay now. First thing:
Find out which Danes are living in Paree,
And how they wound up there, and who they are.
And how they make a livin’, where they live.
And How, and who with, and how much they spend.
And In the course of your enquirees,
See what you can find out about my boy.
Someone’ll know him, I’ve no doubt of that.
And if you ask in this roundabout way,
You might hear something that you wouldn’t hear
If you just asked straight out, See what I mean?
Raynaldo:
I do sir, I see what you mean.
Polonius:
Like: ’Laertes …Oh I heard of him I think’
‘If he’s the one I’m thinkin’ of that is…
‘The wildest dude in Denmark, what a guy’
and after that, make up what lies you please.
Now nothing to dishonor him of course,
But just the sort of thing that young lads do,
Raynaldo:
Like gambling then. Is that the type of thing?
Polonius:
Gambling, drinking, fencing, swearing. Girls.
Raynaldo:
But I’d be talkin’ bad of him then Sir.
Polonius:
Well water it down, if you feel you must.
Just talk of these as small things, just the things,
That all young men get up to now and then.
Raynaldo:
But beggin’ your pardon Sir.
Polonius:
Why is it that I want you to do this?
Raynaldo:
Well yes that’s what I’m askin Sir.
Polonius:
Well basically I think that doing this,
And talking in this general way is best,
You’re inviting the person who you meet
To tell whatever stories they have heard.
This is the way that all clever men work
With little lies to catch a bigger truth.
So if you do exactly as I’ve said,
We’ll find out what he’s up to, wont we now?
Raynaldo:
Yes Sir.
Polonius:
Be sure and have a look at him yourself.
Raynaldo:
I’ll do that Sir.
Polonius:
And tell him practice his music.
Raynaldo:
Right you are.
Ophelia enters
Polonius:
Goodbye then.
Raynaldo leaves
Polonius:
Oh! Ophelia what’s this?
Ophelia:
Oh Dad! Oh Dad! Oh my heart! I’ve been so scared!
Polonius:
Scared of what in the name of God, child?
Ophelia:
It’s Hamlet! You should see him dad! He’s flipped!
He came to me in rags and Dad- his face!
Just angry, staring, not like him at all!
Polonius:
Is this because you dumped him do you think?
Ophelia:
Maybe, I don’t know, Dad he was so weird!
Polonius:
Did he say anthin’ to you, what he say?
Ophelia:
He grabbed me by the wrist and held me hard.
And then … then he just stared at me… his eyes.
And then. he kind of. let a kind of. scream,
Like somebody was killing him, oh Dad.
And then. he kind of. had some type of fit.
And when the fit was over. He Walked off.
But dad, the way he looked at me. His eyes.
Polonius:
Okay, were gonna hafta tell the King.
Young people and emotions, dear oh dear.
He loves you something rotten so he does.
This isn’t good, this isn’t good at all,
In a state like that the lad might even…
You haven’t been arguing with each other have you?
This wasn’t a row?
Ophelia:
I haven’t said a single word to him,
Not since you told me not to dad, I swear.
I just cut off all contact.
Polonius:
Like I said.
And now the boy’s gone loopy. Dear oh dear.
I must have read him wrong, it seems to be,
That he was quite serious about you.
After all then. How typical this is.
Overprotective Fathers, foolish boys.
C’mon we’d better go and tell the king.
He wont be pleased, but still, it’s the best thing.
C’mon.
Exit Polonius and Ophelia.
Enter Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern carrying Duty free
bags.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The sound of amateur etymology
Slán.
farewell.
auf wiedheresen.
goodbye...
Like the vast majority of this islands inhabitants I just about never ever speak in Irish because, insomuch as language is a tool for communication,— Irish is at once gorgeous and impractical— like a beautifully sculpted golden spanner that can only be used to loosen bolts of bronze in imperial 1/8th-inch measurements, while English is a comparatively ugly but far more utilitarian instrument— like an oily oul' vice-grips or one of those multi-tool Leatherman™ things.
Language is a tool and we speak the one that is most useful.
In terms of the vocabularies of most of the Irish people, English is the handier idiom for getting a thought from head A to head B.
In terms of international communication it's also pretty nifty.
It's noteworthy that we do sometimes fall back on our school Irish in particular situations when we don't want to be understood, when we are surrounded by eavesdroppers that we don't necessarily trust, when on holiday for example, working in a B&B on the Aran islands or when doing a stretch in the maze at her majesty's pleasure.
I've a very vivid memory of two National school teachers brazenly discussing their previous nights debauchery in front of all the 'smallies' as Gaeilge .
How did I know what they were talking about if I don't speak the lingo? Well you know what a dirty laugh is even when you're seven, and whatever they were up to they must have deemed inappropriate for our ears, sure why else would they be talking in Irish?
I mean we were seven but we weren't amadáns altogether.
Erudite observers wil have noticed that despite my championing the language of Shakespeare I just used an Irish word there and you might think that that means that I'm only spoutin' rámeis out of me now, but a word or two isn't the language.
Words are great and the more the merrier but personally speaking I need this language to give them context.
Now, one word that I do use a lot is slán* (for folk who don't know that's pronounced 'SLAWN' in a yankee doodle accent and 'SLAUN' by a british person and we have our own way that's a little bit different from either; this is important).
Why do I like slán so much?— because it's different from 'goodbye'. It feels less permanent and not as formal.
Why that should be I'm not really sure, I mean yes, they do have different 'etymologies', or origins: the term 'slán' derives from 'slán leat' meaning 'be safe' or 'slán abhaile' meaning 'safe home' or more accurately 'safe back to your town'(bhaile) and 'Goodbye' either comes from 'God-be-with-you' or 'God buy* you' but either way it doesn't matter because the two ways of saying it have really just become sounds at this stage. A verbal signal that things have concluded, the announcement that says: "Now we separate", "It's done" | * 'buy' had an original meaning of 'save' |
'Slán' is handy because it's neither mean( you are the weakest link...'Slán' sounds like Ann Robinson doesn't mind if you come back next week and have another go ) nor is it frivolous like the George-Formby evoking sassanach farewells like 'toodle-oo' and 'pip-pip'.
Something of the twinkly-eyed irish soul has to reside in 'Slán' and it remains a useful option where 'Ciao' is too pretentious and 'Cheerio', 'Tatty-bye' and 'laters' are just too wrong and too lame and too twee and too english.
'Slán', nice, informal and you can still say it to someone after a funeral.
I have a pet theory about slán and it's embarrassing in a sense because it's an etymological (word-origin) theory and one that is dismissed in etymological circles— a better man would shrug his shoulders and say: 'Well they are etymologists after all, they do this all day long year-in year-out so I s'pose they must know what they're talking about'
Not me. I'm not having any of it.
They're wrong and I'm right and I believe that history will come out in my favour.
Okay where will I start? Sing this song to yourself in your head:
SLAWN.
farewell.
auf wiedheresen.
goodbye...
Yes. That is what I propose, and I honestly think that this has to be true.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the interweb I now present to you my most dearly held half-baked notion: namely that the origin of the expression 'so long' has only one truly credible source, and that source is the irish language.
Now I'm gonna get rightly into this and before we start I would ask you to do two things:
Number one #, forget, if you can, that you ever saw 'so long' written down as two english words. If the expression migrated, as I believe it did, from one language to another purely vocally, then the individual words 'so' and 'long' have no more significance, to the origin of the phrase, than the words 'bucket' and 'mercy' have to the corruption of the french for 'thank-you-very-much' ( 'merci beaucoup') as 'mercy buckets'.
Number two # Remember, that the irish farewell sounds like "slawn", that's not what we think of we when we say 'Slán' but please divorce the look of the word from your brain and think about the sound instead.
To aid you in this difficult task I shall be spelling both versions of goodbye phonetically, as "slawn" and "suhlawng".
You see? Now that we're discussing whether "sulawng" (meaning goodbye) has its origin as "slawn" ( meaning the exact same thing ) it doesn't seem like such a leap does it?
It seems far more straightforward now doesn't it?
Would that life were that simple my droogs, but I have a small mountain of serious debate and research to dismiss completely out of hand before I get anywhere near to explaining myself.
NEXT BIT
Something Rotten 4
Ophelia and Polonius exit.
Hamlet, Horatio and
Marcellus enter.
Hamlet:
Well that was weird.
Marcellus:
It was.
Horatio:
It was, pure weird.
Hamlet:
You think there’s anthin’ to it?
Horatio:
I dunno.
Hamlet:
Okay I have to think. Good God why me?
I swear to god, I’m goin’ round the bend.
I’m loosin’ it, Okay lets deal with facts:
What happened there was weird.
Horatio:
Yeah. very weird.
Marcellus:
It was, pure weird.
Hamlet:
It was. I know, but nothing’s certain. Right?
I mean that; just because; it doesn’t follow.
Marcellus:
What are you gonna do about it then?
Hamlet:
My head is wrecked. I don’t know what to do.
Okay lets say it’s true. All that in there.
Lets say my uncle murdered my old man.
He’d have to be a cold and dang’rous type.
And if he knew that I was on to him.
Then what’s to stop him doin’ away with me?
Marcellus:
And what’s to stop him doin’ away with us?
Hamlet:
Then I should get him first then shouldn’t I?
Well no. I can’t just kill the man, like that.
I’d still have to be sure before I… wait!
Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna freak!
I’m gonna lose it. Act the loola, yeah.
I’ll go a little wonky in the brain.
Just for show mind you, but then maybe
I’ll see if I can catch him off his guard.
If he did it, I’ll find out soon enough.
So that’s the plan right? ‘Hamlet’s off his head’.
You cant let on you know. You hear me now?
Horatio:
We wont let on we know.
Hamlet:
Your solemn vow?
Horatio:
You have it.
Hamlet:
Oh god why me?; How come that I’m the one.
That has to do whatever must be done.
We’ll all go together, c’mon.
Hamlet, Horatio and Marcellus exit.
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and a telephone
Kiosk on wheels.
Rosencrantz:
(Wheeling the telephone kiosk)
Okay here?
Guildenstern:
That’s fine.
Rosencrantz:
You mind my askin’ what was wrong with were it was?
Guildenstern:
No privacy. We gotta do this right. These people are
royalty remember. Now lend me a guilder.
Rosencrantz:
I aint got a guilder.
Guildenstern:
You aint got a guilder, okay lend me a florin.
Rosencrantz:
I aint got a florin.
Guildenstern:
You aint got a guilder, you aint got a florin, what
have you got?
Rosencrantz:
What have I got?
Guildenstern:
Yeah what you got?
Rosencrantz:
I got a friend who likes to borrow money that’s what
I got.
Guildenstern:
What happened to your Performance fee?
Rosencrantz:
I lent it to a girl.
Guildenstern:
You lent it to a girl?
Rosencrantz:
Yeah I lent it to a girl. She wanted to get some
plastic surgery.
Guildenstern:
You lent it… Well why don’t you just ask for it back?
Rosencrantz:
Well I would but I don’t know what she looks like
anymore.
Guildenstern:
You… Hello Operator? I’d like to place a collect call
please, To Denmark. That’s yes, and I’d like yes The
Palace extension… wait a minute
He consults a scrap of paper
Palace extension two B. Or… not two B!- sorry two
eight, I think yeah that should be the Kings room.
What? Oh sorry yes ‘Guildenstern’, no it’s Irish.
Tell him I got his telegram. I’ll wait.
(pause)
Rosencrantz:
Say, wait a minute, what happened to YOUR Performance
fee?
Guildenstern:
My performance fee?
Rosencrantz:
Yeah, your Performance fee.
Guildenstern:
Look I’ll have you know I am a sensitive performer
and artist and this talk of money disgusts me. If you
want to talk about something as base and revolting as
business you’ll have to take it up with my revolting
disgusting business manager… Hello? Oh hello your
kingship we got your telegram… right away? Well we’d
love to only see we have a tiny cash flow…, you
would? Well that’s great..(to Rosenkrantz)we got the
tickets (to phone) what’s that? Oh ham, nuts, we
have no allergies, I’m sure any old banquet will be
fine ,whatever your having yourself your monarchical
… Oh Hamlet? Hamlet’s nu… ahah… I see… I ahah… well
sure your majestical… Yes… ahah… I mean we’ll see
what we can do… That sure is a pity. Right away your
Royalness. We’ll be there. (hangs up)
Rosencrantz:
Whassup?
Guildenstern:
Kids gone screwy.
Rosencrantz:
The kid?
Guildenstern:
That’s Prince Hamlet to you jeepers, show some
respect, cant you?... Thay say he’s gone stark
raving. One shoe on and one shoe off and quoting
pretty bad poetry at everybody.
Sounds like he needs a psychiatrist.
Rosencrantz:
You know I went to a psychiatrist once.
Guildenstern:
Oh yeah?
Rosencrantz:
Yeah I thought I was a bit cracked.
Guildenstern:
Oh yeah?
Rosencrantz:
Yeah and after seeing him for a while I wasn’t
cracked anymore.
Guildenstern:
You weren’t?
Rosencrantz:
No. I was broke.
Guildenstern:
That’s pretty clever, d’you know I think you must
have a brain like Einsteins.
Rosencrantz:
I do?
Guildenstern:
Yeah. Dead Forty years. Okay lets get the wax on the
tracks… We got a son and heir that aint all there and
an unlimited expense account that I intend to exceed.
Indicating the telephone kiosk
Take that with you,(beat) he might wanna call back.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern exit.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Something Rotten 3
The background rolls up to reveal an ad for Air
France or something.
Chairman:
Hand nah! The roundly players present, scenes from
Shakespeares tragedy; ‘Hamnet, the prints of Danmark’
He drops his gavel, lighting change. {Much of the
following exchange is in iambic pentameter. The
eccentric phonetic spelling is to remind the actors
of the amount of syllables required}.
Pre-recorded voice-over*:*( perhaps ‘The Chairman’ with a megaphone)
Passengers for flightP178 your flight is now boarding
at gate number 7. Passengers for flight P178 please
make your way to the departure area. Your flight is
now boarding at gate no.7
Laertes :
That’s all me bags checked in. sister, I’m off.
You’ll let me know the news yeah? Keep in touch.
Ophelia :
Don’t worry bro’ I promise, all the news.
Laertes :
And as for Hamlet, listen to me, sis;
he’s all about you now, but that won’t last.
You’ll have to learn what blokes are like: we’re
crap.
Look all I mean is, don’t keep up your hopes.
Ophelia :
You think he’s not that into me?
Laertes :
I do.
I’m not sayin that he’s line, don’t get me wrong.
He probably means it now, the stuff he says.
But things…things change and Hamlet is a prince.
And nothing is straightforward when you’re Royle.
(Ophelia makes a face)
Let’s say he loves you; say he’s bein straight,
He’s never gonna marry who he loves.
When he gets hitched, it’s gonna hafta be
Some foreign one whose probbly Royle like him.
It’s politics Sis, that’s the way it is.
So mind yourself, juh hear me? Just be wide.
You hafta look at things the way they are.
Ophelia :
You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.
You’re right.
But listen to me now, if it’s the case
That I have to be ‘wide’; you be ‘wide’ too.
And Practice what you preach when you’re in France.
Look after yourself wont you?
Laertes :
Always do.
Oh Look, here’s Da. Juh come to see me off?
Polonius :
Look at him standin’ there! Go on you fool!
C’mere before y’go; a word or two.
Now:
I wish you all the best in Gay Paree,
A coupla things to think about alright?
Some handy stuff to know when you’re abroad:
keep Your thoughts to yourself, at least at first.
And take your time before you make a move.
Of any type: and listen to me now.
Be friendly to them all, but don’t make friends,
With anyone you meet Son, take your time.
Keep out of any rows now if you can.
Mind;
If someone goes for you, you stand your ground.
Dress well, clothes are important, it’s the truth.
But well not ‘flash’ see? Quality’s the thing.
In France they know the difference ‘tween the two.
Ah?
You’re not a bank, so don’t be makin’ loans.
And have nobody makin’ loans to you.
‘Coz that’s how people end up fallin’ out.
And last thing that I’ll tell you is; be straight.
Be honest with yourself is what I’m sayin’
And if you can do that, you’ll be alright.
So off y’go now son, and best of luck!
Pre-recorded voice-over:
Passengers for Paris final call. All passengers for
Paris, to gate number 7.
Laertes :
That’s me. I’d better go. Right, see you dad.
Polonius;
Go on my son, before they close the gate!
Laertes :
I will, goodbye then sis, you wont forget?
-what I just told you.
Ophelia :
No I wont forget.
Pre-recorded voice-over:
Passanger Laertes Polonius for Paris, travelling
flight P178 Copenhagen to Paris please proceed
immediately to gate number 7.
Polonius :
Hmmnn..
So tell me daughter what’s all that about?
Ophelia :
Just something about Hamlet Dad,- that’s all.
Polonius :
Oh Hamlet is it? Hamlet? Rightio.
I heard something about that. So, well now.
It’s true then is it? Something’s goin’ on?
There’s been a lot of talk, so tell me now.
Ophelia :
Well:
There’s nothing much to tell you. That’s the truth.
I like him only. He’s been very tender.
Polonius :
Tender? Tender? When it comes to boys,
The only tender I am concerned with.
Is legal tender. That’s reliable.
‘love me tender’ isn’t half as good.
Ophelia :
I think he‘s been sincere with me, I think.
Polonius :
‘You think’ we all can ‘think’ but you don’t know.
Ophelia :
He’s made all sorts of promises to me.
Polonius :
Oh promises and pledges, right I see.
Forget about it. No. I mean this now.
Put Hamlet’s ‘promises’ out of your mind.
He’s young and rich and may do as he likes.
You have to be more careful. Listen up.
You’re done with him. Break off all contact. now.
Don’t meet or write or see him anymore.
Ophelia :
I get it dad. No Hamlet. Not for me.
Polonius :
I’m sorry love, no good can come of it.
Ophelia :
You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.
You’re right.
Polonius :
Okay then right, you know what you’ve to do.
Forget you ever met him.
Ophelia :
Hamlet who?
Ophelia and Polonius exit.
France or something.
Chairman:
Hand nah! The roundly players present, scenes from
Shakespeares tragedy; ‘Hamnet, the prints of Danmark’
He drops his gavel, lighting change. {Much of the
following exchange is in iambic pentameter. The
eccentric phonetic spelling is to remind the actors
of the amount of syllables required}.
Pre-recorded voice-over*:*( perhaps ‘The Chairman’ with a megaphone)
Passengers for flightP178 your flight is now boarding
at gate number 7. Passengers for flight P178 please
make your way to the departure area. Your flight is
now boarding at gate no.7
Laertes :
That’s all me bags checked in. sister, I’m off.
You’ll let me know the news yeah? Keep in touch.
Ophelia :
Don’t worry bro’ I promise, all the news.
Laertes :
And as for Hamlet, listen to me, sis;
he’s all about you now, but that won’t last.
You’ll have to learn what blokes are like: we’re
crap.
Look all I mean is, don’t keep up your hopes.
Ophelia :
You think he’s not that into me?
Laertes :
I do.
I’m not sayin that he’s line, don’t get me wrong.
He probably means it now, the stuff he says.
But things…things change and Hamlet is a prince.
And nothing is straightforward when you’re Royle.
(Ophelia makes a face)
Let’s say he loves you; say he’s bein straight,
He’s never gonna marry who he loves.
When he gets hitched, it’s gonna hafta be
Some foreign one whose probbly Royle like him.
It’s politics Sis, that’s the way it is.
So mind yourself, juh hear me? Just be wide.
You hafta look at things the way they are.
Ophelia :
You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.
You’re right.
But listen to me now, if it’s the case
That I have to be ‘wide’; you be ‘wide’ too.
And Practice what you preach when you’re in France.
Look after yourself wont you?
Laertes :
Always do.
Oh Look, here’s Da. Juh come to see me off?
Polonius :
Look at him standin’ there! Go on you fool!
C’mere before y’go; a word or two.
Now:
I wish you all the best in Gay Paree,
A coupla things to think about alright?
Some handy stuff to know when you’re abroad:
keep Your thoughts to yourself, at least at first.
And take your time before you make a move.
Of any type: and listen to me now.
Be friendly to them all, but don’t make friends,
With anyone you meet Son, take your time.
Keep out of any rows now if you can.
Mind;
If someone goes for you, you stand your ground.
Dress well, clothes are important, it’s the truth.
But well not ‘flash’ see? Quality’s the thing.
In France they know the difference ‘tween the two.
Ah?
You’re not a bank, so don’t be makin’ loans.
And have nobody makin’ loans to you.
‘Coz that’s how people end up fallin’ out.
And last thing that I’ll tell you is; be straight.
Be honest with yourself is what I’m sayin’
And if you can do that, you’ll be alright.
So off y’go now son, and best of luck!
Pre-recorded voice-over:
Passengers for Paris final call. All passengers for
Paris, to gate number 7.
Laertes :
That’s me. I’d better go. Right, see you dad.
Polonius;
Go on my son, before they close the gate!
Laertes :
I will, goodbye then sis, you wont forget?
-what I just told you.
Ophelia :
No I wont forget.
Pre-recorded voice-over:
Passanger Laertes Polonius for Paris, travelling
flight P178 Copenhagen to Paris please proceed
immediately to gate number 7.
Polonius :
Hmmnn..
So tell me daughter what’s all that about?
Ophelia :
Just something about Hamlet Dad,- that’s all.
Polonius :
Oh Hamlet is it? Hamlet? Rightio.
I heard something about that. So, well now.
It’s true then is it? Something’s goin’ on?
There’s been a lot of talk, so tell me now.
Ophelia :
Well:
There’s nothing much to tell you. That’s the truth.
I like him only. He’s been very tender.
Polonius :
Tender? Tender? When it comes to boys,
The only tender I am concerned with.
Is legal tender. That’s reliable.
‘love me tender’ isn’t half as good.
Ophelia :
I think he‘s been sincere with me, I think.
Polonius :
‘You think’ we all can ‘think’ but you don’t know.
Ophelia :
He’s made all sorts of promises to me.
Polonius :
Oh promises and pledges, right I see.
Forget about it. No. I mean this now.
Put Hamlet’s ‘promises’ out of your mind.
He’s young and rich and may do as he likes.
You have to be more careful. Listen up.
You’re done with him. Break off all contact. now.
Don’t meet or write or see him anymore.
Ophelia :
I get it dad. No Hamlet. Not for me.
Polonius :
I’m sorry love, no good can come of it.
Ophelia :
You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.
You’re right.
Polonius :
Okay then right, you know what you’ve to do.
Forget you ever met him.
Ophelia :
Hamlet who?
Ophelia and Polonius exit.
Something Rotten 2
Chairman:
....now my supreme delight to give you the
marvellous, the musical, the very very merry…
Roseycratch and Guilderson.
A backdrop falls of a park scene, Rosencrantz and
guildernstern emerge in striped black and white suits
with straw boaters and canes under their arms.
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
So up, high in the mountains, or off in the brine,
I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of myiyiyine!
We might have troubles,
They pop like bubbles,
We might have heartache
But of our friendship we still partake, for
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
Guildenstern:
I say I say I say Is it true that prince Hamlet
was named after one of the great Viking kings of antiquity.
Rosenkrantz:
Maybe. But I heard from his mother that it was
because when he was born, he looked like a little ham.
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
Travel north up to sweden, or west of the rhine,
I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of mine
Guildenstern:
You know, I think it’s wrong to speak of the young
prince that way, the bottom has just fallen out of his world.
Rosenkrantz:
You take umbrage my friend?
Guildenstern:
I do.
Rosenkrantz:
You take offence?
Guildenstern:
I do.
Rosenkrantz:
You take exception?
Guildenstern:
Exception, yes.
Rosenkrantz:
Here’s a piece of advice, when the bottom falls
out of your world; don’t take umbrage don’t take
exception and don’t take offence, if the bottom has
truly fallen out of your world take a laxative, that
way, the bottom wont fall out of your world anymore;
Guildenstern:
It wont?
Rosenkrantz:
No. the world will fall out of your bottom!
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
He sings out of key, and he cant dance in time,
I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of mine.
Rosenkrantz:
You know they say there’s something truly rotten in
the state of Denmark.
Guildenstern:
Worse than these jokes?
Rosenkrantz:
Hey if your not gonna laugh at the jokes you can at
least smile out of respect to their age.
And y’know speakin of respect
if Polonius is so worried about that daughter of his
he shouldn’t have named her Ophelia.
Guildenstern:
What should he have called her then?
Rosenkrantz:
He should’ve called Ophelia ‘Oh don’t feelya’,
Oh don’t touchya or
Oh-why-dontcha-leave-her-the-hell-alonia.
Then Hamlet might get the message.
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
Your dancing offends me, Your singings a crime,
But I still can be your buddy, and your still a pal o' mine.
Rosenkrantz:
And speaking of messages, I got one from the king
of Denmark the other day it said ‘Pack your things
immediately’ stop ‘make your way to Denmark for all
expenses paid trip to live with us and help with Hamlet.
Guildenstern:
Hey that sounds great, why don’t we do that?
Rosenkrantz:
Well I no sooner start packing when I read the next
word. stop. So then I stop.
Guildenstern:
You couldn’t tell which way a lift was heading if
you got two guesses. We’ve been invited to dine with
Royalty!
Rosenkrantz:
We have?
Guildenstern:
Yup!
Rosenkrantz:
Then what are we doing here performing to this bunch
of deadbeats? I mean ladies and gentlemen. No offence
but that one looks like half an idiot and that’s the
good half.
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
Were leaving for Denmark, were wasting no time!
We’re so happy we do not care if this song doesn’t
Rim!
Lets get a plaaaaannne!
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern stick their arms out
like planes and swoop around the stage and then off
making aeroplane noises
Chairman:
Rosycrants and Geldonson ladies an gennelmun oo Hi
ave jast been hinformed har beginning tonight their
world tour performing befowah the crowned heads of
heurope wot reside in the City hof Copenaygen. So
lets wish ‘em luck shall we?
The background rolls up to reveal an ad for Air
France or something.
....now my supreme delight to give you the
marvellous, the musical, the very very merry…
Roseycratch and Guilderson.
A backdrop falls of a park scene, Rosencrantz and
guildernstern emerge in striped black and white suits
with straw boaters and canes under their arms.
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
So up, high in the mountains, or off in the brine,
I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of myiyiyine!
We might have troubles,
They pop like bubbles,
We might have heartache
But of our friendship we still partake, for
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
Guildenstern:
I say I say I say Is it true that prince Hamlet
was named after one of the great Viking kings of antiquity.
Rosenkrantz:
Maybe. But I heard from his mother that it was
because when he was born, he looked like a little ham.
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
Travel north up to sweden, or west of the rhine,
I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of mine
Guildenstern:
You know, I think it’s wrong to speak of the young
prince that way, the bottom has just fallen out of his world.
Rosenkrantz:
You take umbrage my friend?
Guildenstern:
I do.
Rosenkrantz:
You take offence?
Guildenstern:
I do.
Rosenkrantz:
You take exception?
Guildenstern:
Exception, yes.
Rosenkrantz:
Here’s a piece of advice, when the bottom falls
out of your world; don’t take umbrage don’t take
exception and don’t take offence, if the bottom has
truly fallen out of your world take a laxative, that
way, the bottom wont fall out of your world anymore;
Guildenstern:
It wont?
Rosenkrantz:
No. the world will fall out of your bottom!
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
He sings out of key, and he cant dance in time,
I’m still a friend of his, and he’s still a friend of mine.
Rosenkrantz:
You know they say there’s something truly rotten in
the state of Denmark.
Guildenstern:
Worse than these jokes?
Rosenkrantz:
Hey if your not gonna laugh at the jokes you can at
least smile out of respect to their age.
And y’know speakin of respect
if Polonius is so worried about that daughter of his
he shouldn’t have named her Ophelia.
Guildenstern:
What should he have called her then?
Rosenkrantz:
He should’ve called Ophelia ‘Oh don’t feelya’,
Oh don’t touchya or
Oh-why-dontcha-leave-her-the-hell-alonia.
Then Hamlet might get the message.
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
Your dancing offends me, Your singings a crime,
But I still can be your buddy, and your still a pal o' mine.
Rosenkrantz:
And speaking of messages, I got one from the king
of Denmark the other day it said ‘Pack your things
immediately’ stop ‘make your way to Denmark for all
expenses paid trip to live with us and help with Hamlet.
Guildenstern:
Hey that sounds great, why don’t we do that?
Rosenkrantz:
Well I no sooner start packing when I read the next
word. stop. So then I stop.
Guildenstern:
You couldn’t tell which way a lift was heading if
you got two guesses. We’ve been invited to dine with
Royalty!
Rosenkrantz:
We have?
Guildenstern:
Yup!
Rosenkrantz:
Then what are we doing here performing to this bunch
of deadbeats? I mean ladies and gentlemen. No offence
but that one looks like half an idiot and that’s the
good half.
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern:
We are the boys who know to have a good time!
I’m a friend of his, and he’s a friend of mine!
Were leaving for Denmark, were wasting no time!
We’re so happy we do not care if this song doesn’t
Rim!
Lets get a plaaaaannne!
Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern stick their arms out
like planes and swoop around the stage and then off
making aeroplane noises
Chairman:
Rosycrants and Geldonson ladies an gennelmun oo Hi
ave jast been hinformed har beginning tonight their
world tour performing befowah the crowned heads of
heurope wot reside in the City hof Copenaygen. So
lets wish ‘em luck shall we?
The background rolls up to reveal an ad for Air
France or something.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
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